I just found a $300 cash advance on the Visa bill when I asked what it was for my husband first denied taking the money out and when I phoned Visa he told me to hang up, admitted to taking out the money and said "I'd rather not say" what the money was for. I don't understand why he can't trust me enough to tell me what is going on. He said that if I wanted to push it he was going to walk out and we would never see him again. I feel like he is playing me for the fool. I don't have anyone to talk to. Should I hire a private detective and find out what is really going on or should I follow my original plan which was to try to talk him into attending a seminar with me in November. I HATE secrets, they are the same as a lie and I deserve better than that. I don't keep secrets from him or lie and feel like I should get the same in return. Please HELP <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi FM;

Sorry to hear about your situation. But take heart, MB is a good place for support, ideas, and learning.

While we cannot rush to judgment, it would appear your H has something serious to hide. The money could be anything (gambling, prostitute, shopping, drinking, ???) but the threat of "drop it or I'll walk" gives us an inkling that there MAY be an affair or something worse than just irresponsible use of money.

You should discreetly try to find out what is going on. His cell phone perhaps may give you clues, other credir card bills, phone bills, computer, etc. Be careful. If necessary, hire a PI if you find more clues.

Before going any further, you should try to determine what is going on. I've attached a document that lists many common "indicators" of an affair, maybe you'll recognize some of them, or you can watch for them. Although none of them is conclusive, maybe you can find out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong>50 Indicators of Infidelity.</strong>

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Frustrated you are correct. What he is doing, omission of truth, is in fact a form of lying. No, you do not deserve this. No one does. Not you, not him.

He says he'll walk if you push? My my, he's a controller isn't he? Yes, this is a definite form of controlling. It will be his way or no way. This is where you have to set your own boundaries. I apologize for not knowing your story but regardless, I would and could not function in such an atmosphere. Have you set boundaries? Have you told him what it is you want and expect? Truth and being told pertinant information is first and foremost.

I can't speak for you but if it were my situation, I would calmly say "Well, I am sorry you feel that way, I love you very much and would love to spend the rest of our lives together but if that's how it will be then I guess I have no choice but to say goodbye".

Food for thought. Don't let me persuade you one way or another. Just look at it through another's perspective.

I wish you luck

Hi and welcome to MB.

Good support place. So your H will walk if you push? Mine walked because I 'touched' his things. In fact he was soooo upset that I touched his things that he called the police and got himself arrested.

Tell your H that story and then tell him what a push really feels like. U R NOT pushing him by asking questions. He is hiding something and you should let him know that either your imagination will imagine worse than what he is doing or he needs to come clean. Well that might be a bit harsh for you right now so howz about this.....

Go up to the top and read the basic concepts section. Find the book surviving an Affair and get with a good MC. You are going to need a lot of help so that you can PUSH him. Really PUSH him off the bad road with his bad attitude and on the straight and narrow.

Don't let him scare you. He is babbling. Get yourself some support and help. There is a lot to learn some of it will hurt.

take care and post back after you read the info above.

L.

I do think he is cheating but when asked he says no. I want to believe him but with the mounting evidence, I am finding it harder by the second. I want to make things work and really want to attend the seminar in November with him but when I asked him about it last week he said he "didn't know". I just don't understand why this is happening. I feel like I am the only one who wants it to work though and am getting tired of being the only one to make an effort towards happiness, and finding our love for eachother again. I don't know what else I can do if it isn't worth it to him to try. I do appreciate all of the comments though, at least I realize that I am not crazy.

Dear Frustrated ...

Is this a "marriage seminar" in November you're talking about? Is attending this seminar something your H has expressed enthusiasm about? Have you both been planning to do this for a long time?

or.... is this something YOU have planned for you both to do and hope he will agree?

Pepper

Hi,
i just need to drop in a post to say i was in ur situation before d-day.
i suspected him having an affair and i'll confront and ask him each time i found any evidence eg hair that's not his or mine on our bed,or things that he dun use appearing in our house.

He manage to explain it all away and each time i wanted to believe him and let all my reasonings slip away after crying,begging and pleading.

He'll continue to deny unless you have hard evidence that he cant escape or deny from. It was when i took the OW's things away that he finally admit to the A. Even then, he show no remorse or guilt. So do not expect anything good to come out of if he did.
Fourtnately by then i've found MB and talk to him calmly about wat i found out without LBs.
I'm now in Plan A.

Here's a link about dealing with suspicions.

dearpeggy

Meanwhile, be strong and u are not alone.

I always LOVE Spacecase's research and insight. I hope your H is not involved in an affair...

Do you suspect he is gambling???

Please read this article and see if it can help you discuss the money in a reasonable way so your H doesn't feel so threatened and defensive.

How to Resolve Financial Conflicts and Keep Love in Your Marriage

Your H also needs to understand that he is love busting in a big way with his "independent behavior" and "angry outbursts!" Have you read about the love busters in the Concepts section? If not, check it out!

I have read all of the posts and looked into the information that you all have provided. One of the articles addresses weather or not you should hire a private detective. I have been thinking about doing this for quite a while but came to the same conclusion that the article mentioned. If I confronted with proof of an affair,I would be afraid of what he would do. There have been occasions where his temper has gotten out of hand. He has never laid a hand on me but I feel like the only reason that he hasn't is because I walked away. And in response to Pepperbands question about the seminar, yes this is something that I want to do but just recently discovered MB and mentioned it to him.
I have a plan.
Yesterday, I went to the Dr. and was diagnosed with bronchitis, so I feel like crap. When I got home from work my H met me on the porch and said "I'm going out for a little bit". This has been going on for a few months, every friday, getting later and later every time. When he saw the look on my face he asked what was wrong. I said that I felt horrible and just wanted to go to bed. His "answer" was that my 8 yr old could watch my 3 yr old and I could go to bed. I wanted to laugh. Anyone who is a parent knows that is impossible. So here I am, still up an posting.
My plan is this, I will wait until there is some quiet time, probably tomorrow evening, and am going to ask him to read the MB newsletter so that he can have a better understanding of what the seminar in November will be about. If he doesn't show any interest in attending, I am going to ask for a divorce. Not simply because he won't go, but because he is not interested in making things better. I will not live this way anymore. I really don't know if this is the correct way to go about things and am up for suggestions. I simply can't live this way anymore. Let me know what you all think.

Frustrated - this is a classic sign that your husband is up to no good. I wish I had hired a detective the first inclination of my WH deceit, lies, and betrayal. Always putting the blame on me. Do it now, hire a detective and find out what is going on. Your husband is lieing to you, and you need to know the truth. It is necessary to snoop and find out what is going on. The Harleys agree that snooping is valid, you have to protect yourself. Remember, he is not going to tell you anything, so start while you have an advantage, otherwise he will run you over like a bulldozer. That happened to me, SNL my WH ran me over big time, and now is continuing on destroying me with his ballistic attitude, and controlling behavior. Do it now, don't wait, time is running short.

Frustratedme,

I understand where your coming from...found a ticket for a $375..00 money order that was only a few weeks old. Ask wife and she says she cannot recall what it was for. Have seen some differences in behavior, she has bought sexier night wear and loosing weight in addition to she has had a tendency to lie in the past. Her sex drive has incresed and she has wanted to try different things. So while a lot of signs are there when I confront here she becomes beligerent and says I'm not the one to have to go to strip clubs (I did spend some time going to clubs when she traveled for work but told her about it and asked her and God for forgivness)and see young woman. She then swears that she has been faithful since the day we met and she has never even kissed another man or held hands. She offers to take lie detector test and anything else I might want. Yet the gut feeling is there that while she may not be having an affair now that one could have happened in the past. So I do understand what you are going through. Did you show husband this site.

I hate to see you think about the D word but do understand your need for change. Also know that yes a man needs to be pushed but if you push him into a corner it will just make him more stubborn and not want to communicate. This can be hard to handle while you may have already tried and your H is not receptive but try to sit down and share your feelings. I know that if my W tries to push I just want to get more defensive, but when she ask I do tend to open up more.

Now just keep in mind this advice might be totaly worthless, but I did want to provide a little bit from a man perspective and how we react.