I posted this on the post that husband2you started, but thought I'd start a new topic, upon Faith1's suggestion(thanks Faith). Basically, I think I know what kind of advice I'm going to get, but I don't think it's what I want. I'd like to get out of my marriage, but stay friends with H. --so fire away, here's my original post.
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Okay, I'll stop lurking.... Actually I could use some advice.

I was the BS years ago, more than once. I was pg with 2nd (and last) the last time. I even put up with it before marriage, but listened when he begged me to take him back. Well, it happened again. I have made myself numb and pretty much stayed for financial reasons. Otherwise, H and I get along fairly well, we don't have any money issues, no abuse, etc. I had pretty much decided to stay until kids got out of school and then go my own way. Kids are now in 10th & 11th grade.

Whole marriage has pretty much revolved around him... his family, friends, job, his hobbies, and there are lots. He works almost every weekend, so I have had to spend them by myself with the kids. We have very different interests, and seem to go our own way most of the time.

Well, about 2 yrs ago, I became interested in someone. Over time it has evolved into very short PA. H does not know this. I talked to H and told him that I am unhappy and have been for a long time. I believed he was also, and we would just end it. Well, he became devastated and has been begging, pleading, crying for me not to leave him. I don't know what to do. I have no feelings for him, well I do have feelings that I don't want to hurt him, but otherwise I don't love him and haven't for a long time. I didn't realize he would be hurt so badly.

I have cut PA things off with OM, but continue contact and plan to be with him in the future. I may be kidding myself, but I want to start a relationship with him the correct way. He is in a bad M, and is waiting for child to be a little older to leave. I have a real connection and closeness with this person that I have NEVER had with H.

Here's my dilemma - do I stay with H for security? We both make about same $$. He'll be retiring in 9 yrs. I won't. We have a house that'll be paid off in 3 yrs. I hate to sell it because we built it ourselves. Neither of us could probably afford to buy the other out.

Or... do I leave, make a life for myself, and then wait for OM to be available to start our life together. OM has new business that is taking a financial/emotional toll right now, but also has a decent job. I would also have to be willing to take the risk of ending up alone, or at least without the OM. I have thought about it, and if I knew for sure that OM would never be available, I might just stay with H, but not because I love him.

So, do I follow my head or my heart? In the meantime, I'm just waiting around right now. H is doing a plan A without realizing it, but I told him that I can't pull feelings of love out of a hat that aren't there. I don't want to go to MC. I don't want him to find out about OM either. I also don't know what to do in SF dept. Do I continue SF with H? I have been a little bit, but don't want to give him mixed signals. ***Update 7/12/02 - H is starting to back off on the plan A stuff. He was showing me lots of affection, telling me he loved me several times a day, and I think he's starting to realize that I cannot just as easily reciprocate.

So, what's my next step... if there is one?

Thanks All

Macyme,
I see a lot of things in your post. It isn't unusual for a BS to become a WS. When one spouse has an affair, the BS is vulnerable. It doesn't sound like the 2 of you did the sort of things that make recovery go better, like counseling, Policy of Joint Agreement, spending time together.

What you describe sounds like a depleted lovebank...and that's where the OM came in, he began to meet your needs...and it progressed to an affair, to a point where you feel you don't love your H, to where you want out.

I have cut PA things off with OM, but continue contact and plan to be with him in the future. I may be kidding myself, but I want to start a relationship with him the correct way.

It's too late to start a relationship in the correct way. You have already had an affair with him.

He is in a bad M, and is waiting for child to be a little older to leave.

This may or may not be true, it sounds like what a lot of WS married men say. WS lie to both the BS & OP. I'm pretty sure you know that, because in 2 years it is likely you have lied or omitted telling things to the OP. The truth is, he is married, he is with his wife. Does it really matter why?

Here's my dilemma - do I stay with H for security?

There are a lot of reasons to stay married, financial reasons can be one of them...the reason you stay doesn't usually matter, if you do the work of restoring your marriage.

I would also have to be willing to take the risk of ending up alone, or at least without the OM. I have thought about it, and if I knew for sure that OM would never be available, I might just stay with H, but not because I love him.

Yes, if you leave your H there is a huge possibility the OM will never be available. Are you aware of the statistic that 5 years later only 5% of couples whose relationships began in an affair are still together? If as you say, you'd stay with your H if the OM wasn't available...that is the state of being. He isn't available, and even if he is...you are unlikely to be the one he is with.

I don't want to go to MC. I don't want him to find out about OM either. I also don't know what to do in SF dept. Do I continue SF with H? I have been a little bit, but don't want to give him mixed signals.

Too bad about the counseling...I think it would benefit you greatly, even if you went to individual counseling and not marital. You've got a lot of issues from being both BS & WS. If you continue contact with the OM as you are, even in an EA, your H may find out himself. If you are having sex, the way he finds out may be with an STD...it's one of the ways I found out, even though my H still denied the A. You don't know who else the OM is with, and, if his marriage is truly bad, you don't know who his wife has been with.

So, what do you do?

If there is any chance for your marriage, you'll have to make some changes. I feel like a broken record, but counseling is really needed in your situation.

Of course, one of your options is divorcing your H.

But...you will still have all the emotional issues you have now from being cheated on and being the betrayer yourself. It's like that saying, wherever you go, there you are.

And, just so you know, 4+ years ago my H had an 18 month PA, during which I did Plan A. At about the 2 year mark we were separated again, and I served divorce papers while developing an inappropriate relationship with a male friend. My H & I were both deeply infatuated "in love" with these people. My H recovered first and wanted the marriage...and I decided I would regret not giving him another chance.

My H & I reconciled in 5/00...and now, we're good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . We're happy together, we're partners, we're in love.

You are right that you can't pull the emotions out of a hat, but you can rebuild a marriage that includes deep love and respect if you choose to do so. Easy? no. But nice? yes.

Best wishes to you.

Lor,

Thanks so much for your post... it's given me lots to think about - actually I've already thought about everything that you've said. I've always been a person to do the smart thing, and analyze, etc. so I've thought of every angle of this.

Hearing someone tell me what I already know kind of drives it home...

except a couple of things..

I do know that I'm not being lied to by OM. I have known of his situation for a long time before I even became friends with him. There is no SF in his house. There has been talk of a split there, they just aren't ready to do battle over a 3-year old right now.

When you say it is likely that I have lied or omitted stuff from the OP, that is not true. I have been very honest and open.

I am aware of the 5% statistic, that's one reason why I've ended the PA. I don't think it's too late to start over with him, just as it's not too late to start over with a marriage, if both parties are willing.

Thanks again for your post. If anyone else cares to comment, I'm listening..

Macyme,
I have a question for you.
Your statement I would also have to be willing to take the risk of ending up alone, or at least without the om.
Are you sure that you "H" would be willing to take you back after finding out about the "A"?
Would you continue in your new single life at that point searching for a new man, or would you try to reconcile with your "H"?
With all due respect, it's a huge gamble you have going here, of course all "A' are.
But it sounds to me like there is a whole lot of uncertain issues your dealing with here. a lot of ifs ands and buts, that may or may not work to your advantage.
IMHO I would try to seek an "IC" and explore where your at and where you would like to be, before making any moves that you may or may not later regret.
Thanks for your honesty.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

macyme,

As I was reading your post I was trying to think of how I was going to reply to you as there are many issues in your thread that need to be addressed, and I don't get the words out the way I want to sometimes!!!

But then I seen that Lor replied to you, I was so relieved as she said everything that you needed to see, in a way that was very insightful (she is so good at that) So you have been blessed with advice from one of the very finest here on the board, so listen to what it is she is saying. Counseling is something that you really, really need to look into for yourself, there are a lot of issues that you are dealing with.

The one comment that I will make is even though your kids are in grown up bodies, they are not grown up, and I truly believe that kids of any age need two parents to bring them up, your kids automatically are at some of the toughest times of their lives right now with out this garbage.
My kids are older, and the one that this has been the hardest on is the one that will be a senior this year. My kids feel so betrayed by their father. It's why couldn't he just wait til we were grown up and moved out!!! Just my 2 cents worth!!!!

Counseling helped me deal with a lot of the crap that has come my way this past year and a half!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />