I posted a msg last nite about being harrassed by the OM and got so many wonderful responses...thanks to all. I was encouraged to tell a bit about my story so here goes.

Ive been married for 8 years and I was the BS. We have 2 kids 8 & 5. I am 35 and my H is 33.

We have been through this once before in 1998 but my H was the BS back then and had asked for a D but we worked things out until I fell into the trap last year.

My A was with a neighbor. It started out as a friendship but turned to more after about 2 months. Sound familiar to anyone? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
It started in about Sept of 2001 and ended in Feb. 2002 (or at least the physical stuff ended then) and DDay was in May 2002. As far as my H finding out......the OM kept leaving msgs on my phone after being told by me not to do so anymore. One night my H got one of the msgs, which simply said "I dont regret anything" and instead of creating another whopper lie i confessed. It was the most horrible nite of my life, it even seemed to surpass the days that my parents passed away.

My H and I have decided we love each other and want to work things out and we are both in counseling at the present time.
We are doing OK, of course there are still hard times but we both have learned that we both have love banks that need to be filled and EN's that were not being met. Unfortunetly we had to learn it the hard way.

I have taken full blame for what I did and am so sorry it happened. I just hope that some day I can help someone else out through my learning experience just as the ppl on this forum already are doing.

As far as the OM harrassing me, I have asked him several times to not contact me and my H has talked to him twice about it (the last time my H told him to leave me alone the OM was in a head lock <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) that was an aweful scene and its all because of me. I have blocked his number from my phone and blocked him from my emails. Now yesterday I got snail mail from him. Thanks for the advice about post office security. I will try that too. He has also resorted to calling my friends and relatives. So I guess the next step is to call the police, which I have and they told me what to do. It also seems as no contact letter is in order (I just learned about those last nite, thanx to all who responded).

So in a nut shell thats my story, and im not proud of it. Some days i wonder if it will ever be over. But I understand that healing will take a long long time, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes. Thanks for listening and I believe I will be visiting here a whole bunch.

Hello Luvsgem. I for one am glad you came here. I was in your shoes a year ago. The WW, telling lie after lie and finally it all comes out, which day turns out to be the worst nighmare day of my life. Yelling, screaming, crying, "how could you", "I'm leaving", deciding to stay, finally getting a bit rationale and agreeing we love eachother and want to work on our M.

I applaud you both. You are off to a great start, no contact, communication, and counseling. Yes, it is a long hard road, and many times you will run into boulders in that road that just appear unmovable. They aren't! Eventually the two of you will find a way to move them or how to get around them TOGETHER. When you see those boulders, post, the people here are wonderful and they will help you through the rough times, as they have done for me many times (and still do when I have them). They will also share in the good times as you update us on those.

One thing that has helped me is knowing that it's ok not to like myself at times, and that my not liking me does NOT affect how my husband feels about me. We talked about this once. I was crying about how I hate me and what I've done. He asked what he could do or say to help. I told him I just need to know it's ok. That it's ok not to like me. He gave me a soft smile, hugged me and said, "it's ok." Then he added, "but I still like you." It made a world of difference.

Always be open and honest, even if you don't understand why he's asking a specific question. Feel his pain and acknowledge his feelings and thoughts. He will do the same for you in time. The road is long and hard, but WELL WORTH IT.

Stick around, this is a great place for support. My best to you. Take care.

tutter13
Thanks for the encouragment. As you can imagine this is all so hard since you have been there. Every other day is an up hill battle. This is all very fresh too. The hardest thing for me is I cant seem to understand why my H would still want me around. I guess I just cant grasp yet why he would want me still. But he does and thats what matters today and thats what I have to remember. So now that its been a year ......what did you find the hardest about recovery? Are you still dealing with reprecussions from the A? That's what im afraid of.....that it will never go away (and it never will, it will always be in our memories) im afraid that it will just keep being an uphill battle and it will not get easier. Two weeks will go by and things will be looking like they are going somewhere then something else happens. Usually at the hands of the OM. He is bound and determined to break us up I think. But that wont happen as long as we can help it.

Phew..... This hard for me telling ppl how I feel. Im not usually a very open person and it seems that I need to do some more reading on some of Dr Harley's policies.

Thanks for the hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The hardest thing I would have to say is forgiving myself. You see, after the whole blow up, and it was ugly, I began to really see the after math destruction of my actions. I wept, I almost took a whole bottle of pills, I hated me, I couldn't fathem how anyone would possible want me, and I felt the world and everyone I loved (who I had now hurt in the worst way) would be better off without me. My DH helped me through a lot of this, and he was able to forgive me rather early in the recovery because of my remorse and realizations of the damage I'd done.

D-day was ugly, and I had called my mom to come get our son so that we could duel things out. DH was packing when my mom got there. I told her the unbelievable and asked her to talk to him. He values my mom and listens to her. She got him to calm a bit and agree to stay and talk things out. We agreed that day to work on our marriage.

Don't get me wrong, we had many other nights of yelling and battling, but they got fewer as time went. I will caution you, if you have children, be sure to save deep discussions for when they are not around or are asleep. We messed up in the beginning and regret the many fights our son witnessed.

In any event, remember this, for every two steps forward you will take one back. However, this still spells out progress. Don't be discouraged by the steps back. Believe it or not, they help tremendously. The key is how it ends up, calmer discussion and realizations!? Most of our "fights" ended in a calm discussion and recap of what we were feeling through the fight. It really helped us to productively move forward.

Our fights are much fewer these days. I have also come to see that couple will fight, even couples not tarnished by infidelity. It's a fact of life. The important thing is what you gain from it and that you learn from it.

Another thing that was extremely hard was disecting my very self with regard to the affair. It's ugle, not fun, and very scary. However, don't let that make you run the other direction. It is good for you as well as your DH and your marriage. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your fears, what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, and what hurts the most. Then, ask him to tell you his. Don't rush him though, because as my husband said this past weekend, he may be afaid to feel important to you. My husband is just now beginning to allow himself to feel important to me.

It's not all down hill, and it does get better with time. You may not feel that now, and you will run into times that you feel that way and all of a sudden you run into this boulder in your road and feel the fool for thinking that things were getting better. Don't feel a fool, because things are getting better, each day you try to work together. Just because the road is blocked doesn't mean it's impossible to pass!

I will leave you with one more thought from my sig. line - "Be true, stay strong, but remember it's ok to feel weak sometimes!" My best to you and take care. I am here whenever you want to talk.

One other thing, it does feel good to talk about it, and I'm sure you'll get more and more comfortable with it - I did. It's scary to tell others how awful you'd been, but you'd be amazed at how good it feels. I posted several posts that made me cry to write and reveal the info., but you'd be amazed at how it felt to just unload, and then the responses really help you along with them. I'll look back and find some of them for you and give you the sites later. Take care, and keep working on it.

Ok Luvsgems, here are some reading materials for you - so to speak. I found that when I was ready to start working at things and wanted my M to survive, I couldn't read enough or get enough advice. Here are a few of the ups and downs I've gone through with the wonderful advice I received. I hope they help you and show you how good it is here. Take care.

My Story First Told
Sharing Info.
Two Steps forward, One Back
A Down Point
Parade with Rain
A Look at Progress