My W and I finally told my daughter that I'm moving out. She's only 4 and didn't grasp what we were telling her. It probably won't hit her until I'm actually gone and she's splitting time between both of us. I guess we'll just have to deal with that as it goes along.

My W and I talked about finances. I told her I would pay half the mortgage, home equity loan, credit cards, insurance and daycare until we sell the house. She said "what about child support?". I said "What do you want from me? I'm willing to pay half the bills and I have to pay my mom's mortgage, utilities, etc". She said "I thought your mom would still pay that".

Just a bit of info, we recently put my mom in a nursing home. I handle her finances and will be moving into her townhouse. We have agreed to 50/50 shared physical custody, so I'll be incurring half the cost of providing for our daughter. My W has recently taken on a second job, so that narrows the income gap between us. I think I'm being more than fair and with shared custody, I don't think I should have to pay her child support. I'll leave that for the lawyers to iron out.

sad dad

sad dad,

Child support. You are right in letting the lawyers settle it. BUT, she is your daughter. I'm sure she could use a little financial support from her father personally. Maybe those sneakers, short and tank top outfit, or that precious little Barbie Doll that she really wants. Maybe that could be your "child support" for her.

Also, take your daughter to a child counselor to have her explain what is happening between mommy and daddy. My boss did this and he looks back at it as one of the best things he could have done for his daughter well over a year ago. He states that it made it a lot easier to understand that it is or was not her fault for what happened and that she is still loved.

wwl

wwl,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wrestlingwithlove:
<strong>sad dad,

Child support. You are right in letting the lawyers settle it. BUT, she is your daughter. I'm sure she could use a little financial support from her father personally. Maybe those sneakers, short and tank top outfit, or that precious little Barbie Doll that she really wants. Maybe that could be your "child support" for her.

wwl</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anything my daughter wants (within reason, no ponies or anything like that) I'll buy for her. My point is that since she will be living with me half the time and I'll be sharing half the costs of raising her (a home, food, clothes, toys, recreational activities, etc.) and with my W making close to the same money I do, I'm apprehensive about paying CS so that my WIFE will have a better standard of living. She makes about $55k, so she should be fine.

sad dad

<small>[ July 13, 2002, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

sad dad,

I thought more about what I had wrote while laying in bed. Mostly because of the possibility I may be in some day (hopefully not).

You are right. Especially at that income level. I was thinking more along the line of half that. Unless the mortgage is $2000 a month, she should not conciously ask for child support for your child. Your W must have other agenda with the extra cash, ie: new car or suv but doesn't want to make the full payment herself. Or maybe she wants the extra cash to live foolishly.

Again, let the lawyers settle it. THen neither party can argue, doesn't mean you'll like it, but no arguing.

wwl

sad dad,

IMHO.... you would not be obligated to pay her child support. If your daughter is going to be with you half the time (as in joint custody and joint placement) it would offset what her mother would need to be paying YOU while your daughter is with you. Your contributions to the marital indebtedness would be more than fair. Too many women just assume that a sizable amount of child support is THEIR entitlement (simply by being the mother). With a "joint" agreement and equal division of time caring for the child it would not make sense to have you pay child support. In all fairness, then she would need to pay YOU while the child was in your care. So, it all comes out in the wash. Child support should only come into play when one parent provides more than 50 % of the care of that child, as in, primary placement being with the Mom and then the Dad only being allotted (that dreadful word) visitation. Gawd, I hate that word! How does a child "visit" with a father? I resolve that the family court change that to "parenting time". As in all issues though, it is best to check with your attorney.

committedandlovingit

<small>[ July 13, 2002, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

I have a call in to my lawyer to discuss this. I'll let her work it out with my W's lawyer. It's something I'd rather not get involved in.

Committed, I think you're right, my W feels she's entitled to CS, but I fought hard to get 50/50 shared custody. Not to avoid paying CS, but because I've been equally involved in raising our daughter, maybe even more so than my W due to our work schedules and the time we spend with her.

sad dad

Sad Dad, first of all I'm so sorry you're to this point. It's a crummy point to be at.

When I moved out I paid all my own utilities and living expenses. Hubby never paid me any alimony or child support. He did pay for daycare and he also continued making my vehicle payment. Thing is, I paid for the car we lost in the tornado and I did need a good vehicle to transport son in. He agreed and was very willing to help me in that area. It seemed fair to both of us. As far as child support...I really didn't need any nor did I expect any. But everyone had me pretty scared and riled up about getting what was "fair" in writing NOW while things were still amicable. They had me scared to death that once the divorce was final, someone else would come in to the picture and son and I would be struggling and hubby wouldn't have to do a thing to help because we would have agreed to no child support. Friends warned me to get child support ANYWAY even if I just set it aside for college one day.

Anyway...I think you're right that you are being more than fair if you two are splitting the custody of your daughter and you are paying all the other things you mentioned. Things like house payments and such ARE child support. You are supporting the costs of where she lives etc..

h4f,

It's good to get your perspective on this since I respect your opinions so much. I dont want to come off as though I'm unwilling to pay child support. If I made $100k/yr and my W made $25k/yr, I would want to pay child support so my daughter would have the standard of living I want her to have. In our case, with my W taking on a second job, our net incomes are about $7k apart. Any money I gave my W would be to improve HER standard of living, not our daughters.

sad dad

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 07:06 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Suggestion: don't pay WW anything at all, but label the money you promised as "child support" instead.
Your duty goes towards helping your children and, as a charitable act, towards your WW such that she can SURVIVE. anything on top of that is indeed increasing her lifestyle at your expense. if she wants more $$$ - let OM support her or then she should work more.

Do I see that too harsh?

nick,

Just a quick response to your reply. First, I think OM is out of the picture, at least as far as being a part of her future. Secondly, my W started to see the financially realities and recently took on a second job to make ends meet.
I think I'm being fair and living up to my financial obligations. I spoke to my lawyer about this yesterday and she said that once we sell the house, with 50/50 shared custody, I will have no financial obligation to my W.

sad dad

oops, double post

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Sad dad, sorry I wasn't here on the weekend to give you my 2cents worth.

You are right, you are being more than fair. There are some guys who will say let the lawyers handle it and not pay a dime till then. You are being respectful and courteous and in the mean time keeping up decent grounds between the two of you, which will benefit your daughter in the end.

I have to add my vote for having your daughter speak with a counselor or some sort to help her process all of what is and will be happening.

As for the child support, even without 50/50 shared custody, with the incomes being so close there wouldn't be much you would be required to pay. With the share custody being 50/50, it's true, what your wife would owe you for your time with your daughter cancels out what you would owe her. Also, support can be adjusted if and when certain circumstances change. So, just because a divorce is final doesn't mean that support is. She does not need to secure it now.

In any event, pay what you feel is just and in your heart helps you. My suggestion there, is to make sure you write a check each time so that you have a record of what you have paid her - just in case you need it in the future. Trust me, not many people expect divorces to get ugly, but at times it may for whatever reason (outside influence, etc.).

I hope this helps. My best to you. Take care, and good luck.

tutter,

I'm comfortable with the financial arrangement I've proposed, and it's short term anyway.
Either we'll sell the house soon and have no more financial ties, or I'm hoping some time apart will give her a chance to re-evaluate her decision and lead to reconcilliation. It should be an interesting month or two. She has no reason now not to proceed full steam ahead with the D. If she does, I'm prepared for that. If she doesn't, maybe it's not really what she wants and there's still hope. Time will tell.

sad dad