In OTHER TOPICS my thanks to everyone. You have helped with some great insight on open marriages, cheating, EA's. The wife and I are opening and closing doors on all issues and doing that by gathering info and insight from all sources.
So...can swinging with others benefit, destroy, confuse, help, whatever, a marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Terry & Amanda

I'm confused...I thought this WAS the other issue? My opinion would be that you are asking for trouble...BIG trouble. But obviously something allures you about it or you wouldn't still be considering it. Why don't you explain to US why you would even consider it?

( It would probably help if we complete a profile. But, in short wife is 22 yrs my junior. I'm 49. Played Music all my life. Had plenty of wild and crazy days. More sex than I can poll on. Wife's curiosity, attraction to, and desire to investigate b/4 any actions, I think are natural. I don't believe all this can work in a marriage, but hearing from me is very subjective. This site is most objective and really has brought alot into clear view.
Terry

Bourbons...it does help explain a bit...but it also worries me all the more. I totally understand her desire to experience passion and fun in bed, but it's also possible for it to consume your life. You'll start out just doing it for a little fun, then she'll want to do it more than you will, then she'll be sneaking around to do it. I know, she'll say I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. It happens and it's an easy trap to fall in to. I guess I'd advise staying far far away from that. Why not just learn new things to do with each other??!! Another persons anatomy or style is just that...another persons. It's not any better, it's just different. The only thing that adds the pizzazz to that type of thing is the thrill of the adventure. Once you require that in order to enjoy sex you're in trouble.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So...can swinging with others benefit, destroy, confuse, help, whatever, a marriage</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Terry and Amanda--

We have swinging experience. I skew the curve a little on this subject in that I can't honestly say our experiences hurt our marriage. You do have to keep in mind, however, that I'm in a vast minority opinion-wise here at MB.

Can swinging benefit? I guess so, if both are OPEN to the idea of swinging.
Destroy? Yes.
Confuse? Absolutely.
Help? Probably not. Just like having a baby to "fix" existing marital problems doesn't work either. Just adds more stress and problems to deal with, and if a couple ISN'T equipped to deal with them...the outcome can be disastrous.
Whatever? lol, that's probably it. It's a "whatever" category. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

To me, swinging is a sexual activity option that is either NOT OKAY based on personal feelings and morals, or OKAY for a couple to explore, together, and within their own set of RULES. Couples have to decide for themselves if they're open TO thoughts of swinging, and then specifically, what kind of swinging is okay for BOTH of them, adjusting as they learn.

We are currently inactive. Might consider more exploration in the future upon mutual agreement, but we're also fine without it. Does that make sense?

We have a lot of platonic friends in the lifestyle, and attend swingers' socials. I'm always very interested to hear what works and what doesn't for them. For example, for one couple we know...the wife is bi and they only consider other females. The H just watches or leaves them alone entirely because the W isn't comfortable with him touching another female! He benefits after the woman leaves with his W, so no problem. Doesn't really sound fair, does it. But that's their agreement. They seem to have a very good marriage and are happy.

Another couple we know...well, I think they need to get out of the lifestyle altogether. It's obvious that they love each other but what I believe happens is they aren't truly AGREEING on what situations make them both happy - one is always going along with the other's wishes but harboring resentment and then "getting back" at the other next time. They'd probably benefit greatly from understanding POJAs with the key words being "enthusiastic agreement" for EACH decision.

Just like other issues, it is important that BOTH spouses are happy and neither is gaining at the expense of the other. Hmm, swinging would make that thought very subjective! Goes back to my response above...is it confusing? Yep, certainly can be!

I've read your other posts. Would you two please work on other areas of your marriage before you consider swinging in reality? Follow the concepts and learn good communication skills. THEN see how you feel about it. Talking about it? Well, I don't see any problem with that as long as you're not upsetting each other. My H and I talk about EVERYthing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lucks, thanks for the pro & con opinion. Wife and I are "only talking", working on communication, and in therapy. I'm glad you looked at my other posts and I see from your's you really understand what living with a musician in recovery lifestyle..ooops, gotta go.
Terry

Bourbons,
Marital vows include fidelity, even if husband & wife agree to swinging/infidelity, it is a breaking of the vow.

I'd be more likely to ask, if you want to swing, why be married? Monogamy--gone, exclusiveness--gone. Marriage then becomes a contract for what? The same living space, companionship, finances?

If you swing, what becomes of your marriage? What IS your marriage?

Quite honestly, if my H asked me something like this, we'd be in the counselor's office within the week.

Hi ... Im Jill and new here and first time posting here too ... not my real name but its a name I like. Ive been separated from my husband almost 3 years and we have recently agreed on a uncontested divorce. I have been involved in the swinging lifestyle for about a year ... not regularly but occasionally. I have a regular partner that I attend the dances with as Im not comfortable going as a single. In this lifestyle I have witnessed marriages destroyed but they were destroyed to begin with. I have witnessed lots of confusion too but again there was confusion to begin with. The benefit I have seen so far is one going the extra mile for the other to keep the marriage alive and continuing. My soon to be ex lied cheated and stole from me and none of it had to do with sex but worse ... money. Couples get involved in the swinging lifestyle for various reasons. For me it boosted my self confidence when I was at my lowest and it helped me to slowly trust people again which Im still working on. I have met some of the most wonderful couples that have taught me successful relationshiping that I ... before meeting them ... thought was never possible.

I am new to this BB. But I will have to state my opinion on this one.

Swinging is dangerous "alternative lifestyle" for married couples. My thoughts and hearing about cases is that it justs paves the path for destruction, deceit and relatonship problems.

I feel it really goes out of the context that I believe marriage was truly intended for. A commitment, a bond, a true sacred partnership between two people. I understand that if both partners are willing and wanting to engage in this behavour, then why be married? What is the point? To me it just devalues the principles of marriage completely. I will go out out a limb and possibly get flamed, but I believe this to be unmoral.

Let me state as well, I am not a bible thumper, nor a prude. Back in the old college days this was happening all the time. It didn't appeal to me then, nor does it appeal to me now. I guess I am "old school" as the kids say today.

Finally, It's really your life and your choices. You can only make this decision and deal with any consequences that may become of it.

-ND

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 04:21 AM: Message edited by: New Dutchman ]</small>

Marriage was truly intended for a commitment, a bond, a true sacred partnership between two people.

If marriage was really about all those things then why is there so much divorce? Simple ... greed selfishness and the wish of success. The reality is men marry for success and women marry to have babies. A woman is not a woman until she has a baby and a man is not successful until he has a wife ... two kids of opposite sex and a nice house in a nice neighbourhood aka the north american dream. Couples dream of the perfect marriage change through the years and one good example is mid life crisis. All of a sudden middle age is just around the corner. The swinging lifestyle is a way for some couples to deal with this change and get through this phase but most important they are doing it together ... usually one more so than the other and that one has so much respect for the other that that one is willing to sacrifice. Isnt that what marriage should really be all about? Sacrificing for the other?

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: JillJ ]</small>

New here. I have no experience with swinging and never have had a desire to. I can't imagine it helping in any shape form or fashion.

Marriage is a committment between 2 people. A union that is sacred. Why would you possibly consider such an act as swinging.

It is nothing more than sex with others. If your sex life is lacking something why not fix it between the two of you. Being creative and open to experimenting with each other should be the answer to any sexual desires.

I don't forsee loving someone and yet sharing them with someone else. Not in a manner such as this.

Swinging opens up the possibilities of trust issues, jealousy, it opens up a can or worms and in my opinion it's a road map to destruction.

It's not what God intended and therefore it is wrong. To Him for you to do this your slapping Him in the face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You would be breaking His heart.

Only my opinion <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />