tutter
thank you so much for the links to your previous posts! OMG i must have read them for about 1 hour. everything sounds so similiar, from the scared feelings, to the roller coaster ride, to wanting to have a baby. it's so good to know there is someone else out there who has had similar experiences. i cried reading your story.
i feel like i have to do everything possible to earn his trust and love once again and i know that its essential that i do that. my H is an absolutely wonderful Godly man. (God has a big part in keeping us together). But at times he still gets hateful with me as he did before the A and now it seems even harder to deal with because of my feelings of guilt and shame. I expect this for a long time and im sure i deserve whatever he has to cut me down with. but the difference now is we talk about it after hot feelings have cooled down and we apologize and communicate at a much better level now.
i get sick to my stomach constantly when i think of what i did and i get even more nervous and sick if i think my H is thinking about the A or anything to do with the situation. i live in fear of his feelings, him leaving me, the OM causing more problems for me, ....u name it im scared of it. i hate living this way. as u said in one of your posts when H gets quiet i get nervous and usually go vomit till he speaks to me again. crazy thing is .....just like with u.....he says he loves me with all his heart. one nite i asked him why he is staying with me...and incredibly enough he said ...because i love you. i felt so many emotions, good and bad. i felt i loved him so much,i felt safe, major guilt, wondered how could love me after what i did, how could i do what i did, disappointed in myself etc....u name it i felt it.

geez sometimes i feel like my mind is in such a whirl im not even making sense. so i hope that you can follow my plight. anyhoo.....i do have one other question to ask. for about 3 weeks after d day he was so attentive to me, couldnt keep his hands off of me, sex all the time (which blew me away that he even wanted to be near me), wanted to attend to my every EN etc and i was the same way to him times 2. but now that has tapered off, i didnt really expect it to last cuz he has never been that way with me. i am still working on trying to meet his EN's but i feel the "honeymoon" is over and that scares me. did u experience anything like that? dont get me wrong, he is still doing good things for me like leaving me love notes and stuff, but i guess im just scared of every little thing. i guess im afraid he is losing interest in me again like he was before the A. goofy huh? ive gotta quit being soooo scared. lately im afraid of my own shadow it seems. i guess im just wondering if this is all normal, whatever normal is. i just need to be patient and have more faith im sure. rome wasnt built in a day and i cant expect to rebuild my marriage to be as it should be without loads of time and attention.

ok im rambling now lol. so ill end this post and thanks for listening. tutter your posts really shed some light on some things thanks again. oh and btw....did you two do the worksheets from the web site together? if so how did that go. im considering sharing them with my H....but (broken record time) im scared to do do. sheesh.....what a mess i am.

thank you again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i feel ive found an awesome place filled with support, truth and encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />