I've been married for 24 years. My H and I have two wonderful children ages 23 and 18. Several years ago, I discovered that my H had an affair with an old girlfriend. He claimed it was a one-night stand and nothing more. I had my doubts of this story. Since then, I have felt we made great strides in improving our marriage for a while. As much as I would like to believe my H is faithful, I believe he has either resumed this relationship or developed another. My instincts tell me that something is going on that I am unaware of. My H’s background has been in the law enforcement/undercover field, so he knows how to disguise his activities very well. We both travel in our work. When he is away on a business trip, he calls me several times at specific times. Although this is well and good, I have the feeling he does this to intercept any calls I would make to him. He insists that I call his cell and not his hotel room. When I have called his room late at night, the line has been busy for hours or there has been no answer. He always has an explanation I find hard to believe. On several of his lengthy trips away, I feel he has lied about his location. I’ve called his hotel and he had not check in. Many evenings when I have gone to bed early, I have heard him talking well into the night on the phone. Yet when I come out of my room, the conversation stops as he can easily see me coming. He claims it was the TV. He uses an 800 number on his cell. His explanation is weak. I feel it is to cover-up any trace of the number he is calling. When he and I have traveled together, he would receive a cryptic phone call on his cell. He claimed it was a business call or from a male friend. He keeps his cell on vibrate and in his pocket. When I questioned this, he turned his cell off at times when we travel instructing our children to reach us via my cell. He would then check for messages. When we travel, he always has a reason to leave the hotel room, to go get ice or a drink or to check out, without my presence and he is gone longer than necessary. He receives most of his bills at his office and spends nearly every weekend there claiming to do work and pay the bills. Even though we have a home office in our home. He has recently been having an extraordinary amount of business meeting after business hours. When I am away, he asks specific times that I will return. I don’t wish to sound paranoid, but my instincts are getting the better of me. If he is having another affair, I need to know. How can I do this with a man as clever as he is? I’m at my wits end!

Let me preface my remarks by saying that I was an OW for many years and have never been a W.

I don't know bubkis about wife's intuition (although I believe it exists) but I know a LOT about woman's intuition.

If I had to guess i'd say he's cheating and it sounds like for all of his skills he kind of sloppy at it. If you've notived this many "loose edges" he's not nearly as clever as he thinks he is.

I would say that you had better trust your instincts and start doing some investigating on your own. Can you get ahold of his cell phone bill online and look at the detail? I would suggest getting a Radio Shack listening device and putting it on one of your phones and giving him the opportunity to make some private phone calls from home. That should tell you what is going on.

Do you think there is any contact on a home computer?

might be a bit much, but what about a private investigator? They can get tricky. Hope you are wrong, but intuition is usaully right.

Thanks for your responses. Katie, he's very clever. If I mention anything about any suspicions, he quickly changes his routine to adjust. Then, his incredulous remarks make me feel as if I am a delusional paranoid wife. Then he gets angry at my suspicions. It seems to be a not win.

Yes, he does use a lap top a lot but mostly when he travels. He also uses our home computer as well as his office computer. I understand there are spy programs I can install. Has anyone had any success with this? Which one is recommended?

Jonam,

If I mention anything about any suspicions, he quickly changes his routine to adjust. Then, his incredulous remarks make me feel as if I am a delusional paranoid wife. Then he gets angry at my suspicions. It seems to be a not win.

This is very common on these boards. As they say the best defense is a good offense. Why tell him anything right now. If you are sure you want to know, then do your homework quietly.

Except for the fact that my HW is not in law enforecment, they sound alike.

On a trip to New Orleans, WH would make an excuse & go off for longer that he should. I made notes of the times then looked at his cell phone bill & sure enough, he was talking to OW2 during those times.

There are spyware programs & someone will come along and post them. I have them saved in my favorites on another computer.

D.

Jonam,
Spy software just might be your answer since it is undetectable. The one that I really like is Starr Home version at www.iopus.com. It runs in invisible mode and you can install it on both computers. You will want to install the trial version in invisible mode and immediately pay the $40 for it. When you pay for it, they give you a code to deactivate the 'trial' version. And you don't want the trial version on there because a reminder will pop up when you restart the computer, which is a dead giveaway! I *THINK* you can buy an upgraded version that will even email you the logs to another computer.

Starr records all keystrokes and all chat conversations - both sides. It's real easy to operate.

Jonam and others,

I am a 15 year veteran private investigator. During my stint, I have seen the most cunning and manipulative men lead many lives and EMR's not just one. As a professional, I have to say your instincts may be correct.

My recommendation to you and any others who suspect their WS of an EMR, is to gather ALL the facts before saying or doing anything. No matter how cunning they may be, as they become more comfortable feeling you are oblivious, they let their guard down. After discovery and a cooling off period. I’ve had many cases where these types of men, especially veteran cheaters, will resume their EMR’s with one or more OW’s perhaps in different cities that he visits frequently.

In order to catch a thief (your heart, your life, your bank account as well as that of the OW(s), you must think like one. Your H sounds like he is a very smart and cunning man. As soon as you mention any suspicions, he takes note and changes his routine.

With today's technology, it is easier to catch a philanderer than in the past. You can easily become your own private investigator. Cell phones have logs of numbers called and received. Find out who his provider is and get a copy of his bill. Check to see if there are numbers frequently called as well as phone card numbers. Be mindful of the times these calls are made and received as well. Some cell phone companies will show the location where he is making and receiving the calls from. So if he is where he shouldn't be, this will show it. Check his cell phone to see what numbers he has last dialed or received. Some cell phones like the Nokia phone will allow you to erase phone numbers that are dialed or received, so if he is clever, he may erase it before he is back in your presence. You can always hit redial to see what his last
number dialed was. As for the calls made from your home late at night, be sure to wake up earlier than he the next morning and hit the redial number. 411 assistance now has reverse directory assistance and can tell you the name and address of certain phone numbers. They can't on unlisted or cell phone numbers, but they can tell you if it is a cell phone number. Again, there are programs that you can purchase as said above. If he calls you while he's away using his cell phone, tell him you will call him back on a land phone. Note his reaction. Just be selective with the times you do this and not make it a habit or become overbearing. You will raise his suspicions and like a clever chameleon, he will change his routine to throw you off suspicion.

There are now stores around the country and on the Internet that sell spy equipment. This doesn't entail investing a lot of money. You can purchase a small voice-activated tape recorder. These can record up to 9 hours, run on batteries and are small enough to be placed where they
are not detected. Be sure to invest in a good one that is highly sensitive to voice quality. This can be plugged into a phone jack in a hidden location that is connected to the same phone line your H would use to make his calls at night especially when you are away and he is at home alone. When any call is placed from that phone line, the recorder will start recording. It will record his conversation without him knowing it. You can also tape this recorder under the seat of his vehicle when he goes away on a long road trip without you. Be sure to test this beforehand. Be sure to get the extended batteries and not to tape over the microphone! Another place to put the recorder while you're away is under your bed. If he is calling the OW from his bedroom, you can record the conversation.

If he has a lap top that he uses, you can go online and purchase a spy program that will record all his key strokes, e-mails, instant messages, he sends and receives. It will also record passwords to other e-mail
accounts. You will need to go online and install the program directly onto his computer. He will not be aware that this program is installed, but you will need to erase your tracks by going through the steps to clear the history on his computer so he won’t know you’ve been at his computer. Be sure to purchase the program that you can access from a remote location. Some will be set up where you log onto a website with a password and then you will be able to read all his correspondence from another computer.

Next, be a detective. Go to his office (get copy of his keys including desk keys), when no one is there, and go through his desk. Many times, this is where WS keep their correspondence, etc. from their lovers. If he is doing bills at the office, try to get your hands on all his bills. Does he have any credit card bills sent to the office? Does he claim that it is all for business purposes? Look to see his hotel charges. Some men will remote check in to the hotel he tells W he’s staying at and then stay at different hotel in another city (getting info from that city sent to him prior to his trip - for evidence) and place a do not disturb notice on his calls received at that hotel! Does he have an account with a lingerie (Victoria Secret) or jewelry store? Some men will have more than one account, especially if there is a store by the same name in a city he frequents. They will buy duplicate items for both spouse and OW! It's a great cover in the event the bill gets seen. "Wow honey, I guess they double billed me"!

If he travels and makes a point to speak of a trip that is unappealing where you would not want to join him, you may think about a surprise visit! Ask to see his printed itinerary (from the airline!) before he leaves or get a copy of his boarding pass when he returns. Speak to his colleges - ask about his whereabouts during the trip

Once you have all the evidence that confirms all your suspicions, then you can make the decision to continue with your marriage or not. As a final resort, when there have been multiple OW’s, some W’s have disclosed this information (forwarded copies of e-mails, etc.)to all the OW’s involved. Letting them know of the other OW he’s been simultaneous seeing will destroy their illusion of this man along with any future relationship with him. You will be doing them a favor! Depending on the situation, you might even speak to a former OW (if it is really over) and pick her brain as to H’s routine. In many cases, they are more than willing to help.

Finally, when this seems all a bit too much to undertake, call a professional. There are many private investigators that can help you. Sorry this is so lengthy. I believe in being proactive. Best of luck to you!

<small>[ July 27, 2002, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: WatchDog ]</small>

Willgetthruthis,

I was surprised when you mentioned New Orleans. The same has happened there as well as other cities that we travel to. I just don't know how to handle it when he disappears for these periods of time. What do I say? Do I follow him? He always has his eye out for me.

Melodylane and WatchDog,

You both have been very helpful. I will implement these suggestions immediately. I think it may be wise for me to also get a seperate bank account to charge the spy program. Which leads me to another issue. Could he also have other bank accounts and how do I find this out?

Jonam,

You can charge the spyware to your CC. Not sure about the secret bank accounts, but I suspect that between spy software and listening devices you will find out what you need to know.

Here&#8217;s what&#8217;s happened:

I think that H suspects that I found something out about OW1 and/or OW2. He asked me to go with him on a last minute trip. He was being extraordinarily attentive and a little nervous. Without provocation, he confessed that he had maintained a minimal distant relationship with OW1 (no sex &#8211; yeh right!) in order keep her quiet. He also said that she had been pressuring him and he had to end things with her. The reason he&#8217;s confessed to this is so I will be forewarned in the event that this OW1 decides to be vindictive and call me. He was very apologetic and said he only did this to protect us and his position which would be ruined by a scandal. Quite frankly, I don&#8217;t buy his story for a minute and feel that his confession is only a means to avoiding my pursuing any further investigation. I think he uses OW1 as an alibi (since I knew about her) and is protecting discovery of OW2. Needless to say, I am beside myself in how to proceed.

Is your H a control freak? He sounds like he is. I&#8217;ve heard this story more times than I care to remember. It&#8217;s a classic &#8220;diversion&#8221; when the WS is cornered. Strike first and be on the offense rather than the defense. He&#8217;s very deceptive and I wouldn&#8217;t trust a word he says. What is most likely happening is this: 1. He senses that you may know something and he&#8217;s told OW1 or OW2 (as the case may be) that he needs to lay low for a while. She&#8217;s probably fed up with his toying with her feelings and he fears that she will disclose everything to W. 2. He&#8217;s trying to gain sympathy wanting you to feel he&#8217;s a good guy by confessing that he&#8217;s only been doing his &#8220;duty&#8221; to protect his domain. HOGWASH! My suggestion to you is to remain calm and accept his &#8220;story&#8221; for now. Continue your investigation, being very diligent but careful. Or call a private investigator to handle things. After confessing he will most likely lay low for a while if he suspects you are on to him. Remain calm, but proceed until you get all your answers. Once you have gathered all the facts and know who he's been seeing and you still need more answers, consider getting the rest of your answers from the OW/s. Bearing in mind what you may find out.

Wow... I think you have been 100% correct so far with following your gut instinct, what is it telling you now? To me it sounds as if he is involved in something. I would start putting my foot down on these activities. Also, you need to start surprising him somehow and showing up in places he doesn't expect you. Cheaters HATE that, they despise for you to be unpredictable in your activities, they can't keep up with you in order to cover up what they are doing.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Watchdog,
Thank you for your professional advice. I think I will follow your lead and keep on with my investigation. I need to be more careful. It's very hard to spy on someone who's profession is undercover work. He's well trained to watch his back and apparently hard to track.

Findingmywayback,
You are so kind to offer your advice. Did your MM do some of these things? Could you tell me some of the routine's he followed? I would just like to know some of the perspectives of the OW.

If there are any WH that could shed some light on some of their routines, it would be very helpful.

I know he was gone fom home a lot, he said his wife would complain about it. He had to meet clients all over the place for his job so he used that as a reason.

His cell phone activities are VERY suspicious. He is obviously concerned about the phone ringing in front of you. If he acts extremely possessive of the phone itself, or won't show you his bill, he is hiding something. I show my H both, with no hesitation. It is part of his rebuilding trust in me as far as I see it.

The calling you at certain times, I did that too. It was for the exact reason you stated too, I wanted to be the first to call, and find out what he was up to, so I could plan accordingly. Plus, you make your spouse think you are being attentive.

Also, men in the Law Enforcement field can tend to me ego maniacs, and they like the attention the job gets them. I'm not sure if that is the case with your H, just some food for thought.

If you think of any other questions, ask away. I will tell you what I "know" from my experiences.

What kind of phone do you hear him talking on, cell or land line?

Also... Is there any way you could get a voice activated tape recorder and hide it in the room he tends to talk in?

You have got to get your hands on his cell phone. There is bound to be a time he will let down his guard, be on your toes! What kind of phone is it? Do you think you can check out the dialed and received numbers?

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]</small>

One more suggestion. If H is suspicious, he may be monitoring YOUR computer. It may behoove you to clean your hard drive to remove any spy software he may have installed. Change your password often (he may have it) and communicate anything you don't want him to see from another computer. Hope this helps.

findingmywayback -
He uses his cell phone when I am with him at home. He uses an ear piece which I wouldn't be able to see and keeps his cell in his pocket. He wouldn't use the land phone in fear that I would pick up. Tried to check his cell when he's left it out - no number. I think he did this to throw me off so. He probably erased any numbers. To throw off suspicion, he will leave his cell at home or off. But I suspect he checks for messages from another phone OR he may even have an 800 voice mail service. H has been staying close to home lately, so it's been hard to go to his office or install software on his lap top. I tried one tape recorder but it didn't pick up his voice. He speaks practly in a whisper. I plan to get a better one. Thank you for your help. I know this will take a long time. Would you ever talk to the OM's W if she called you to ask for help?

WatchDog:

You made a very good point. Putting a spy program on my computer sounds exactly like him. Someone said to get a "key-logger" program which tells if there is a spy program on your computer. I think erasing everything is the way to go. Thank you.

This is so tormenting to go through this alone. It helps to have your advice. I'll keep you posted as things progress.

I have never thought about that... I guess I have a tendency to want to help, so I would probably help her somehow.

The fact he whispers is a major red flag. I know, coming from my perspective, cheaters are usually worried about having the same thing done to them. This is just what I would do... might not be your nature but... I would start having hush hush conversations, it can be with your sister or mom, or friend, and hang up quickly when he comes in the room.

You don't have to do this forever, but see if it causes any difference in his behavior. Maybe you could also start disappearing for large chunks of time with no real explination of where you have been. Go to the park, movie with a friend, what ever you can find to do. You need to be unpredictable too, show up at odd times, and make yourself hard to get ahold of.

If you want more ideas, I can post more. Sometimes the best way to beat someone is with their own game. Make him know what it feels like to be treated that way. You are completely innocent, you are just changing up your routine. Cheaters LOATHE that. They must be able to predict your every move.

Don't let him rule you, you have rights, and one of them is to be respected by him. If he's not going to give you that, you are better off with out him.

<small>[ August 03, 2002, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]</small>