Things are moving very fast. Separated for 2 months and planning for D. H is depressed and unhappy but cannot and will not work on the marriage. He forged a new friendship earlier in the year...started as EA then turned into PA after we separated. Doubtful reconciliation is in our future and not hoping that telling the OW's H will bring us back together. But, I think OW's H deserves to know and perhaps doing so will lift the fog my H is experiencing.

Any thoughts, experiences, etc.? Thanks.

He does deserve to know -- especially if they are not separated.

Lots of others here have experience in telling the spouse of the OM/OW.

Come on gang!

Yes, I would advise telling him. When someone is being destroyed behind thier back, it is the compassionate thing to do to warn them. It will also blow the affair wide open and may bring it to a quick end. It will also be a love buster so you might want to do it very quietly.

I am currently wrestling with this myself because OW's H does not know, and I think that gives her alot of freedom to compete for my H's affections. He asked me not to seek out this man, whom I do not know, but I still think about doing it. I am concerned where this would leave my H, as OW's H works at a prison.

stunned_12,

my situation was following.OW told her H on her own and I then got in contact with him.
I (BS) and OWH met and then talked with each other. We had abit of contact afterwards on the phone and then the contact stopped. So I suppose that OW and OWH have been working on their mariage as OW and my H have never had anymore contact. So I think it is a good idea to inform OW H if she isn't doing this.
It will make him aware of the situation and make their "dream world" become reality.

hugs
BB

Tell the man. It is one's basic human right to choose how one wishes to live one's life. Cheating, lying and deceit are flagrant violations of a person's basic right and dignity. If he chooses to live with the knowledge that his W is ****ing around, that's his choice. But then he's making it of his own free will, in full knowledge, not having his decisions made for him.

Thanks for the feedback. For those of you who have contacted the OW H, how did you go about it? Phone/email/face-to-face? What about the potential backlash from own H since we are not D yet? Do I tell H that I am going to contact OW H? I know there is no exact science to this process but just need input.

Hi,

OWH and OW were a couple that we hadn't known for very long. We had been out for dinner a few times. (while my H was having an affair with this OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )
Anyways, our situation is a bit different. OW had told her H (on D-D)and I again told my H that I needed to talk to OWH. I was completely open. I phoned OW and asked to speak to her H.

We then met eye to eye and talked about what was going on. From there on, I knew that he would be watching out for his wife like an eagle.
We stayed in contact (telephone) for a little while after that. Contact just stopped after awhile, so that I assume that they are doing fine in their marriage, as we assured each other that if we ever noticed anything we would get into contact again. It has never happened.

I'm happy that I did this. My H never said anything against it and he actually told me that if I ever had the urge to talk to either OW or OWH, I could do this. He has nothing to hide.
He just doesn't want to ever have any contact again with either of them.

hugs
BB

I called OWsH w/ my news the night I found out. It was very spontaneous and, though she thought I did it maliciously, there was no such intent. I was hoping against hope that he would tell me I was crazy.

OW and my H had gotten 'us' together... both families... in social situations plus I had worked with OW and my H had worked w/ OW and her H... so we all 'knew' each other and it was a very hurtful situation all around.

Don't expect too much if you do tell. Don't expect that you two will 'help' each other. OWs H played me a couple of times and I got caught in the middle of his and his wife's drama.

Also keep in mind that men may tend toward the physical... OW alleged that her H threatened my H's life... just something else to keep in mind.

Good luck,
Cali

Telling OMs W was probably the biggest help I had in saving my marriage. It forced him to choose which way he wanted to go and fortunately for me he wanted to stay with his wife, ostensibly because of his children. Granted this could have gone the other way as well.

How I contacted her? I called her on the phone when I was relatively sure she would be home and her husband at work, we talked for about an hour and then the next day I dropped off some evidence (recordings of phone calls and saved voice mail messages and several months worth of cell phone bills ) at her place of employment hoping to meet face to face but she went home early feeling ill. To date I've talked to her 4 times by phone but never in person (except once at a social funtion during the affair but before D day).