I am in my late 20's and have been married to my supportive and great w for 3 years (no kids), togehter 6.
I was having an affair for 1 year with another wonderfull person until we said enough, too much love and pain (guilt too). Then I accepted a job in another state, and told my wife I was moving alone. My W stayed back and we have been seperated for 7 months. The OW and I kept in touch via phone and 2 visists but finally ended the affair and the OW said no more. My W and I have visted each other and keep in touch every other day via phone. When we see each other it is fine, we get along but I don't have those feelings and have fallen out of love. I don't think I can fall back in love with her, and I if she knew about the affair she would leave me. Therefore, I should accept my mistake, divorce and move on solo or with the OW.
The affair has been over for 3 mo., it has been very hard but we keep in miminal contact. I know; breaking the rules of MB. But now the OW is moving on with her life and not waiting around for me to make a decsion to leave my W. I am losing the one I love, the OW. But should I have my wife move in with me and work it out or say let's go our seperate ways. I know my W and I could be together but I don't want to be content with marriage and I think we are different now and married young 24.
My heart says the OW, but I feel most of you will say work it out with my wife. The OW and I know it will be an uphill battle but we are so compatable and everything clicks. Confused, any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Lastly, i have tried not to consider the OW in my decision but that is almost impossible. divorce seems so awfull too, scary.

Joe,

The only advice I can give to you is to tell the one person who has a right to know all this. Your wife. She should have a say in this decision, too. This is about HER LIFE and you have no right to withhold this information from her. She has a right to know that you have had an affair and are in love with someone else. She has a right to know that you no longer feel in love with her. This is about HER.

This is about HER LIFE and you have absolutely NO RIGHT to deny her pertinent information about HER LIFE just because you are afraid she might leave you. Your fear does not trump her right to know pertinent details about her life.

You need to tell her right away and let HER make an informed decision about her life. Her decision may very well be the answer that you are looking for.

Here is what Harley says about it:

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies

Joe, Welcome,

There's a wealth of information on this site. I hope you take the time to read all the concepts of the Harleys. You'll learn a lot, and even find the answers you don't know.

Secondly, if you think if your W knew about the A she would leave is an unfair statement. You honestly DO NOT know what she would do, since no one can predict what another would do. I thought I'd kick my H to the curb and NEVER look back, but I found I just couldn't! I understand now that he didn't arrive at this place alone. I was partially at fault for the way things had deteriorated in our M.

As for falling back in love with your W, yes, you can! If you are willing to follow all the Harley concepts to the "T", you can have a loving, fulfilling M. But that's something that both of you will have to work on together....and she cannot make that decision without being fully informed.

If the A has been over for 3 months, you are still going through something of a withdrawal, and I suspect your "rationalization" about whether or not you and W or you and OW can make it is due to your clouded emotions.

One interesting comment was that "I know my W and I could be together"

That seems to say that you KNOW you and W could make it work, but right now, you're not sure that's what you want. Totally understandable, when one's mind is clouded by the after-effects of an A.

I understand the concept of not wanting to "settle" with a fair M, instead of looking for rocket-ship ride! But, again, it might all be justifying thought, and not truth. After all, you obviously thought at one time that you and W were great together, as you DID get M!!
You stated that you and OW were "so compatible and everything clicks" (trying not to hurl, here), but that is sooooo typical thinking of people in A's, and I bet once upon a time, you thought that same way about your W!!!

I hope you realize what a completely life-altering decision this is. Take it slow. Also, I hope you consider that leaving your W OUT of the decision-making is UNFAIR to her. Even if she stomps your head at the discovery, and calls you words you never knew she knew, it is UNFAIR to keep her in the dark as to why you are wanting out of this M.

Good luck to you in your quest for the right thing for you and W. Keep reading here, and you might even direct her to this site as you prepare to tell her what's going on. SHe'll gain a lot of insight. Even if you two decide to separate, and ultimately div. you will need the support found here to get through this.

God Bless,

Well Joe,

Marriage is not something that happens at the alter...it is a journey that one embarks on together with another person...

I am having a difficult time in even seeing where you are married...the vows you took are not words they are actions...they included lots of verbs...love, honor, and cherish...and yet I am failing to see where you did any of these....

You have no idea what feelings are capable in marriage for you have yet to pursue them in any shape or form...a fifteen month affair...moving to another state and telling your wife you are going alone...non-productive actions that directly impact your vows...

People fall in love when they invest emotionally in one another...there is no magical soul-mate cosmic occurance for your affair...you did it..you pursued it...and you are responsible for it....that is the ONLY reason you love the OW..and a huge reason for feeling like you don't love your wife...how could you feel like you love your wife?...you have neglected that of which you vowed to do....

minimal contact is not ending an affair it is keeping it going...leaving those channels of communication with your OW it exactly what hinders you in having a marriage...and keeps the fantasy of the OW alive in your mind and heart...

You can try to paint the picture however you want to make it fit into your world of why it happened...married to young..and the line about "too much love" (what exactly is too much love?...).etc...but none of it really holds much truth until you face yourself...

If your OW were to pursue a relationship with you, it would not be a very smart move on her part...as you have yet to prove that you even understand what a committed relationsip means....

Your affair was not a "mistake", a mistake is forgetting to get the oil changed or a fender-bender...affairs are actions with direct consequances so this is no "accepting your mistake" and then move on...life's not that simple and we humans continue to make it even harder than it has to be...and our actions can cause great pain to others...this is not a band-aide moment...this is heart surgery of the most painful kind...

My intent is not to bash you and hopefully not scare you from this forum...for you have truly come to place that if you are smart you can learn from others how to fix mistakes and how to make your life and relationship truly fullfilling and worthy of both you and your spouse's true souls...

You need to decide what loving, honoring, cherishing mean to you....you need to examine your actions....happiness is only found through ourselves and that comes from living honestly and nuturing those that we claim to love.

You haven't settled for anything Joe, you haven't even honestly tried...

ARK

Melodylane-
Thanks for your response and advice. My decision to keep this lie from my W is because I have felt why put this pain and suffering upon her, that would be selfish. I made the mistake in our marriage and I have to live the rest of my life with guilt but she should not have to. And if we work out our marriage, she will not have to have this affair damaging our new marriage. But if I tell her then she may leave and we will not have the opportunity to live a happy marriage, which maybe the answer to my/our decision. My W will ask herself why, what did I (her) do wrong in the marriage, because she has been a saint and treated me very well and I know she has no interest in anybody else and that obviously tears me apart. If we do Divorce, I also believe she should not know because it will haunt her for life.

Joe,

You are the last person who is qualified to determine what IS in her best interest. She needs protection FROM you. It is in her best interest to know the truth because she MAY WANT to leave. That should be her option and her right. But she cannot make an informed decision as long as the facts are being deceitfully withheld from her.

Do you want her to stay with you under FALSE PRETENSES? She has a RIGHT to know who she is married to and your fear of the consequences do not outweigh that basic right.

As far as "hurting" her, you have already done that. The truth does not HARM, having an affair DOES. The harm is already done, and lying to her now only COMPOUNDS that harm.

When you embezzle money from someone it is not the EXPOSURE that hurts, but the ACT of embezzlement. The EXPOSURE is actually CURATIVE because the victim can then take steps to protect themselves from the embezzler.

It's the same thing with your wife. She needs to know what is going on so she can take steps to protect herself from you. It's horribly vicious and manipulative to continue to withhold this vital information from your wife.

From Steve Harley:

"It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Average_Joe:
<strong> And if we work out our marriage, she will not have to have this affair damaging our new marriage. But if I tell her then she may leave and we will not have the opportunity to live a happy marriage, which maybe the answer to my/our decision..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Joe, let me ask you something else. What if she does not WANT to be married to someone who has affairs and lies to her? What if she doesn't choose to be in a marriage based on lies and deceit? Shouldn't that be HER choice, and *NOT* the choice of the deceiver?

If she does not know then she does not have the option of leaving you, which is her right. Without this knowledge, you are only cruelly holding her in a marriage BY deceitful false pretenses, and very probably against her will.

Also, you say that continued deceit [lying about the affair] is your only path to a "happy marriage." You are kidding, right?

There is no such thing as a happy marriage whose foundation is deceit. Your ONLY hope of a happy marriage is to repair the damage that has been done here. The first step is the TRUTH and the second is finding out what led you to have affairs in the first place. Without that, there is no hope and you will most likely be in a repeat affair as soon as your head is turned again.

<small>[ July 14, 2002, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Joe -- As a betrayed wife in a similar situation as your W, I must reply. My WH apologized to me for the A and told me he didn't tell me about it (and myriad other awful things) because he "didn't want to hurt me". Your W will eventually find out and she will be devastated. I cannot even begin to describe what it will be like for her to discover this WITHOUT your telling her. She will not be able to eat or sleep. She will question everything in life and go into a depression. If YOU tell her, she will have a similar reaction, but it will be much less intense and she will at least know you are trying to be honest and value her enough as a person to be honest with her. PLEASE tell her. I do not know if my marriage is going to make it, but I know definitively that I would much rather have been told about the A by my husband than the hell I went through. Chances are your W suspects. All WH and OW think they are being so deceptive and nobody knows -- usually people suspect but don't face it unless confronted with irrefutable evidence because it is just too horrifying to imagine/confront on your own.

Not telling your W is perhaps even more cruel than your decision to engage in an affair. She is a person that at one point you were "in love with" and probably still would admit you care for. How would you feel if you had a business partner that was stealing money from you? Betrayed? You are stealing your wife's life and her right to live it in a manner with honor, love and respect.

Be a man. Tell her.

Average Joe,

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I don't think I can fall back in love with her (wife)....
The OW and I know it will be an uphill battle but we are so compatable and everything clicks.
*---------------------------------------------------------------------------*

My FWW has a saying, "The grass is always greener where you water it." If you invest the same energy in your marriage that you invest with OW, you would find that "everything clicks." with your W. It will be an "uphill battle" with your W, but almost a sure failure with OW. The percentage of people who form long-term relationships with those they have had an affair with is almost nil. I can't remember the stats, but I'm sure you can find them if you are interested.

As others have pointed out, the first step to recovery is telling your W the truth. You may be suprised to find that she still loves you and wants to work on your marriage. She will be upset, angry, depressed, exhausted and question everything; but many of us have been there and are in recovering marriages.

Whether you decide to stay in your marriage or leave, your wife deserves to know the truth!

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