I just wanted to thank everyone for their posts to confronting the OW- great advice! I just wanted to share what I learned about how to cope with those feelings. I found out that my Hs OW is 24 years old and has two children(oldest is 21/2 other is just under a year) with a known drug addict. She moved out of her place and broke up with him because he didn't want to give up the drugs. I almost felt a twinge of sympathy when I heard this (OK, twinge is over) but realized something important. If she was dumb enough to have two children with such a loser in the first place and then try to replace him with someone else's man when she finally got around to raising her standards, then there is absolutley nothing I could ever say to her that would make her understand or care about what she's done to contribute to someone else's pain. She obviously has her own serious issues to deal with.

Hi DC
I've often thought about confronting the OW over the past 6 months but also realized if she could put this pain on my children and family after her H did the same thing to her, what good would it do. She has a great deal of baggage and unresolved feelings about marriage and trust and along comes my vulnerable, "I can't take the responsibilities of marriage anymore", and she proves that marriage is a joke. She feels vidicated, and vents her revenge on me. How sad that the good in the BS is always put aside for a sl*t who'll degrade herself in all ways possible
to get what she wants and prove her sick point.

Hi, DC,

I have always confronted the other women in my H's life. Most of these women he knows only through email and phone calls. One other woman is a coworker and one he flew out of state to meet (I never knew ANYTHING about her though).

What I've learned by talking to these women on the phone or through email is that it only eats away at my already low selfesteem. I feel so depressed and low with each new woman who has no idea what our history is with his infidelities. Each one claims to just be friends (just found out one had phone sex with my H and most shared rather sexual emails) and is galled that I'm insecure enough to "try to pick his friends".

I recently saw an email from a woman I emailed asking the nature of their relationship. She said I could ask her anything since they were just friends. She then emailed my H asking him what was up with me and why didn't I understand the word FRIEND. I was very hurt by this and I had to excuse myself from work for over an hour to compose myself. Reading those words made me shake - she had no idea how such a little thing (their friendship) could be so traumatic to me.

I refuse to look so pathetic, insecure and jealous again to a woman who has no clue about me or our marriage. I have self respect and dignity and my H allows for this disrespect to me.

Be true to yourself and don't sink to their level!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Danni C,

I'm very glad for your progress with this issue. Every situation is different and you are dealing with yours very well. That is great to hear. I would not have confronted in your shoes either unless it was to go up to her and thank her for being the catalyst that is proving to make your M better and stronger than ever. That truth would have probably been the most hurtful thing you could have said to her anyway so you would have killed two birds with one stone.

Just for the record, I confronted the OW and it was one of the best days I've had since all this started 2 months ago. But my situation was a bit different than yours. I needed to put a face to OW because I couldn't stand wondering if every woman I saw with dark hair that was "attractive with a nice body" (his words) was her. I begged and begged H to set up so I could see her...even if just from a distance. I didn't care how he arranged it, I just needed to put the 'ghosting' to rest. He never did so a month later I just called her up and asked if we could meet and to my surprise she said 'sure'.

Long story short, when we met I told her I really didn't have much to talk about. I just wanted to see what she looked like. At first she said "Why would how I look be so important to you...we are just friends" and she denied everything. I put that to rest in a hurry when I told her lying is not something I am good at tolerating at this time in my life and I am the last person she wants as an enemy right now. I told her just a few of the things that I knew. Things about her body that only a lover would see....details on places they'd slept together (not the least of which was our bed numerous times)....I produced a list of hundreds of cell calls between them...and I told her what my H told me about something illegal she'd done during her divorce/custody battle which her ex is currently not aware of. Since I have his name and number, she might be wise not to annoy me. And you know what??? She became the most honest woman I think I ever met! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

From then on the conversation went very much like we were friends. I didn't need much from her since by then H had told me everything. She talked about things (without me even asking) that confirmed his stories. I didn't learn too much new but I got something much more powerful out of the experience...the hope that I could start trusting my H again.

I told her, very nicely, that I strongly recommend that even if she even just accidentally runs into my H on the street, she might want to turn and walk the other way. Not only did she agree to that but she must have put it into practice because H commented to me just two days ago about how he used to run into her regularly but he doesn't anymore at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So bottom line...I was very blessed by the experience. I got to see what she looked like, I got to know a bit about her personality, I came away hopeful of being able to trust H again and most importantly she is out of our lives for good....I think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Confronting an OW?

One never really knows the outcome but to confront often means to put the other on the defensive.

The one common thread or thought is that the OW does not feel like they are contributing to the demise of your M. In fact some have the gall to think that they should be thanked for making it better. Crazy fog talk!

So to talk or not to talk. NO one can say for sure. The major concensis here is not to talk to someone who feels they are 'helping the victim' (the WS).

The BS and OP are on different planes, coming from totally different directions and as others have said, even from different planets.

In my case, the OP tried to take credit for attempting to send the WS back to his family. Now while those words did spill out of her mouth they were tied to these huge springs that were designed to pull the WS deeper into the relationship.

I'd like to share how the OP's logic sometimes works:

OP: I sent WS back to his family 5 times. He keeps coming back to me so it must be your fault.

NOTE: Those 5 times were before d/d. And one of those times was when she was claiming prego. After d/d, she didn't dare.

OP: I will take better care of the WS than U (BS) ever did. I will feed him better food, send him to school, nuture him, etc. He will laugh with me, travel with me and do things he has never done with you. You have made him fail in life. He was never happy with you.

NOTE: This is the gist of what I had the 'DISTINK' pleasure of receiving in an e-mail from the OW after I e-mailed her trying to 'reason' with her. If I had only known what a nut case she was, I would not have wasted my time.

OP: He doesn't love you, he belongs to me.

NOTE: I had the 'pleasure' of hearing that one when she called to inform me that she was prego #2. (2nd shock - so was I)

OP: Oh WS, how could you leave me and go to your family.... they don't love you like I do. Your son doesn't need you, no one wants you ..... only me.

OP: You (WS) have commited 'emotional adultery' against me by going back to your family. ...... how could U!

NOTE: These were voice mail messages left when the WS moved back home. 2 out of 34 left in 5 days.

L.