I posted here for some months and can't remember my username/password.....

To recap my story, my husband had an internet affair at the encouraging/egging on of Mr. X (who began the whole thing as a "game"). After countless hours of crying and listening to him explain that he didn't think it would hurt me this much (?????!!!!?!!?!!?!!?!?!??), my H and I were pretty much able to move past it. I truly believed he was remorseful and don't think he'd do it again.

Here's the problem. I simply cannot let go of my hatred for Mr. X. We had a good marriage--not great, but it was good--and I feel like my H might not have treated it so flippantly if Mr. X hadn't had his ear. I'm not defending my H, because he is, after all, an adult and was certainly capable of choosing not to have this IA. I have such a strong resentment for the fact that Mr. X got off scot-free; we've paid dearly for what happened, and his life is just as peachy as ever. When this first happened, I told my H that I wanted Mr. X to know exactly what his "fun" idea had cost us. By that I meant that I wanted to sit down with Mr. X and tell him exactly what he had done to us, and to me. Problem is, he's H's co-worker, which would have caused a significantly awkward situation to say the least.

I can't take it. I want Mr. X to know--I want him to understand my pain. I want him to feel remorse for his part in the whole thing. I want him to know that his flippant attitude toward his own marriage is his business, but that he has NO BUSINESS messing in our marriage. I want him to know that I will hate him until the day I die, and that I've never even disliked a person before. I want him to know that he's truly despicable to me.

Why is it that I'm capable of forgiving my H, but not Mr. X??????? Is this normal?

Bumping, because I'd really like some input . . .

Thanks in advance.

I think what you feel is normal, however, he will not get off scott free.

Galatians 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap

I don't think you need to do anything, I believe God can do it himself. That is, if you trust him to take care of it, you don't need to do anything.

IT seems to me as I have watched the MB boards for about 6 months that those that can forgive and move on do better. I believe that is the route to take. I think it will make you happier in the long run.
Sincerely,
SS

Could it be that you are transferring a lot of the anger that really belongs at your H's door to Mr. X?

Your H is an adult and his choices were his own. I do understand how you can feel this way, though. My next door neighbour lost her H in a similar way. His workmates egged him into having an affair with a woman at work - her H left her and went to live with OW - he was v unhappy - my neighbour had strangers calling her house threatening to torch the house, phone calls which her teenage daughter accidentally intercepted. OW was the OW from Hell. Within 18 months, WH had died of lymphoma - he was with someone who didn't care for him and he didn't have the strength or will left to fight the cancer. My neighbour is left with 2 teenagers - both now recovering 3 years later, but all have been through total hell.

My father was also flamboyantly unfaithful to my mother - they separated for a few months before any of us were born. My mother blames this on one of my father's friends, who she says egged him on into sleeping around.
My parents marriage broke up when I was 12.

So I don't underestimate the validity of your anger - it is probably well justified. Nevertheless, your H is responsible for his own actions and choices in life. And you had better be sure this anger you feel is not just anger against your H that you haven't dealt with yet - because it will surface in more insidious and destructive ways unless you put it where it belongs. I don't think unleashing your anger on Mr X is going to make any difference at all - in fact, if you did that, he is probably the type who would put a flea in your H's ear about what a cow you are - and since your H "listened" to him before, you certainly don't want him to be tempted to listen to him again, or give him justification.

In other words, you've got to be smarter than him - venting your anger on him is, in a way, giving him power over you - I wouldn't do it - I would find some other way to handle this anger. Get a punching bag and paste his picture on to it and hit it every day for 15 minutes for the next 6 months! Think of the biceps you'll build up - one look at those and you won't even have to say anything, all you'll have to do is give him "THE STARE" next time you walk into your H's office.

JMHO.
LIR

The reason you can forgive your H is because he is REMORSEFUL. Mr X has shown no remorse. However, you need to let this go, dear. Your H is 100% guilty of his actions. He is not a child who is persuaded against his will.

I agree that Mr X is creepy and I would not allow him in your lives, but he does not owe you anything. He made no vows to you. Just write him off, he has already harmed your marriage enough.

Ok, well here's ny 2 cents. Write Mr. X a letter. Vent and say whatever you want. Post that letter here or keep it in your drawer. Do NOT send it to him.... not yet. Revise it in 1 week. Post it here or keep it in your drawer. Do NOT send it to him.... no yet. If you take this idea. Let's talk about it again after 1 week.

U forgot your user? Awhh...... now we gotta learn about you all over again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Seeking, Lady, Melody, Orchid---

Thank you so much for your suggestions and wisdom. I've been struggling with that whole 'what goes around comes around' knowledge and had a lot of trouble with it, because this guy's been a jerk for a long time and nothing seems able to touch him.

Lady and Melody, I CERTAINLY don't want to give him any more power over me and our marriage than he's already exhibited. I know my husband is ultimately the one who "did the deed (so to speak)" and I've been able to get past that. He was clearly remorseful. I'll work on my biceps and be glad in the secret knowledge that I could break Mr. X in half......IF I wanted to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Orchid, I like your idea of writing out all my feelings and checking back with them to see the healing process. I'll be back to let you know how things are going.

In the meantime, I'll work very hard on making my own self and our marriage happy, and not giving him a second of my thoughts. That won't be easy; anger is a tremendously difficult thing to surmount, I'm learning. But I will try my hardest to look past it into the future.

Thank you all!