My WW has been back and has not committed to the recovery in words. Her actions have been somewhat in that direction, but She seems to want to have a M void of any intimacy and directions. My question is How do you tell someone like this that it's about over. How do I say I can't take this anymore and we need some kind of resolution. This seems like fence sitting to me and I want my life to move forward. Should I just let her have it with both barrels so to speak (LB's and all) or should I just serve her with D papers and get the hell out. I just don't know what to do any more. Why would someone (her) stay in this kind of situation ? Is she just trying to get me to make the move ? What do you think is going on here. I am tired of having a roommate. I have been thinking about just handing her papers and getting it over. I am getting to the point where I do not care if we stay together or not. Any Advise

No and No....no both barrels LB's and all and no to just serving divorce papers. If you're fed up, you tell her in an ADULT like manner (NO LB'S). If you really don't care anymore like you say you don't...there really wouldn't be any reason to feel like "letting her have it". When things go unsaid, and feelings unspoken...it's often misunderstood by the other party as everything being ok. If you know what you need from her, spell it out. Maybe she thinks she's doing all she can...maybe not. Let her know you're still not happy and ready to move on unless she's willing to work with you harder to make things better.

Mark,

I'm pretty new to all of this so if you already know this stuff, or if I'm off base, then consider the source.
Have you read SAA. It really lay out the whole recovery process. I don't know you're story so I don't know how long your WW has been back. It talks in the book about the WS's depression that they go through after the death of the A. The most significant portion of that being in the first 3 wks. And if any additional contact is made with the OP then that clock starts back at the beginning again. They refer to it as an addiction much like drugs or alcohol. It also goes into describing the steps for each of you to take to make things work.

From what I've read, it's going to be mostly if not all YOU for a while. If the results were a better marriage than in the past, what price would you be willing to pay? And if the answer is not much more, then can you live with that decision without any regrets?

God Bless

I think hope4future is right...tell her just what you've told us but don't use it as an excuse to 'let 'er rip'. No good will come from that.

Thanks for the replies, I have been dealing with this for almost 2 years, and I am getting tired. I have not been able to sleep more than 4 to 5 hours a night in that time. I spent so much energy in trying to just keep her from running away at the beginning because I was afraid. D Day was November 2000, She left on Thanksgiving of that year and returned In March of 2001. I have been in Plan A since then. I think I am staying because of fear of being alone sometimes. When I look at her it makes me sad. I see the person I have loved more than anyone else, and desire more than any Movie Star model or other ever. But most of all I see the best friend I have ever had, and then I feel how cruel it is to be this close to everything you want and need , and have that person not want or desire you. Is this normal for us to be at this junction. How long does it take ? What would you recommend is the next step ?

Mark H,

A very wise man said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been dealing with this for almost 2 years, and I am getting tired. I have not been able to sleep more than 4 to 5 hours a night in that time. I spent so much energy in trying to just keep her from running away at the beginning because I was afraid... I think I am staying because of fear of being alone sometimes. When I look at her it makes me sad. I see the person I have loved more than anyone else, and desire more than any Movie Star model or other ever. But most of all I see the best friend I have ever had, and then I feel how cruel it is to be this close to everything you want and need , and have that person not want or desire you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you should take what this person said and tell your W exactly this. And then ask her what she would do if she were in your situation. And then ask her what she wants you to do.

Take those answers and seriously consider doing what was answered. It has been two years and things should be somewhat better now.

I hope this works out.

God Bless,

JL

Another very wise man said this:

"I think you should take what this person said and tell your W exactly this. And then ask her what she would do if she were in your situation. And then ask her what she wants you to do."

Mark, if this has been going on for as long as you say it is, you've definitely got nothing to lose by being frank with your W. You may have a lot to gain (your M "back").

All my best,

Thank You for the insight, but How do I tell her that without sounding pathetic. I don't want to come off as someone who she can't respect, but maybe that's what has been happening all along.

Mark,

You can not control how she thinks of you. You can be honest, you can be direct, and you can do this with self-respect. My question is how can you respect yourself if you don't do it?

Her respect isn't really the issue at this point. It is your future we are talking about, and you need feedback. You need answers to YOUR questions. If she thinks it is pathetic to need to know things in order to make decisions, then by golly be pathetic.

Mark H, it is time you respected yourself. She has not acted in a respectful way to you in a long time, so why worry about it now. You need information, and you need to make decisions. Seek the information, and then make your decisions. It really is that simple.

Now 2Long is going to chime in about "simple" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Because I told him a joke about the difference between "simple" and "easy". I don't have time to repeat it but just be assured they are not the same thing.

Talk to her, question her, try and get the information you need, and then make that decision to stay or go. You have done a remarkable job for over 2 years. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and a lot to be proud of. Go for it.

God Bless,

JL

Okay, JL said I can do this, so I'm gonna paste that email from him in here. There's wisdom in these words!

"A cowboy is settling on a bull. He is wrapping and rewrapping the rope around his hand, getting ready. His friend is steadying the bull, and telling him: 'OK, this is it. The final go round. All you have to do is stay on for 8 seconds and the championship is yours! It is that simple. Just stay on this bull 8 short seconds. Got it?"

The cowboy nods.

Meanwhile, two old cowbys are sitting on a fence close to the pen, and one turns to the other and says: "That boy over there is about to learn the difference between SIMPLE and EASY."

Actually, Mark and JL. I tried this once. I had never ridden a bull in a rodeo in my life, and I didn't know the difference between simple and easy (or stupid!). The rodeo was at a ranch on the rim of a canyon, and when that bull got out of the pen, it went across the arena so fast that nobody could stop it before it went over the rim and into the canyon, with ME ON IT!

Sadly, we were both killed.

<small>[ July 15, 2002, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Mark H,

You have a lot of help already but consider to read the language of love ... 2Long's cowboys story is a word picture ... JL is very good at it. Read the book and find out what is your WW's favorite thing or something that she could relate then make a word picture ...

Good Luck ... I agree w/ everybody ... you have to be able to communicate w/ your WW. You could open her up but you have to find the right key <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have had good advice. Good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Actually, Mark and JL. I tried this once. I had never ridden a bull in a rodeo in my life, and I didn't know the difference between simple and easy (or stupid!). The rodeo was at a ranch on the rim of a canyon, and when that bull got out of the pen, it went across the arena so fast that nobody could stop it before it went over the rim and into the canyon, with ME ON IT!

Sadly, we were both killed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gosh you gave me a laugh 2long - thanks for that!!! I'm glad the killing wasn't permanent.

MarkH - you really do need to talk to her. Really, if its affecting you this much, do it. I know its scary - man, I just went to plan B, that's scary too, but I plucked up all my courage and it was really hard. For days before, all through it and for two days after I felt like I had done the wrong thing. Maybe I have, but you don't know the consequences of an action until you've done it. But you know this current situation ain't working for ya so you can only base your decision on now.

If you really feel you can't talk it, can you write it? If you expressly tell her EXACTLY how you feel in the most direct way possible while respecting her (ie no LB's) and she dosen't get it, then at least YOU know you've tried.

Truly, you have not said your wife is deaf, so she can hear you, but whether she listens is another story.

I have told my H what I need for him to do to get to recovery, whether he does it or not is not up to me to decide and I will have to accept his decision. But the behaviour I will and will not accept from him is called boundaries. You have to clearly define them or people keep walking over them - or falling over the edge in the case of 2long and his bull - LOL!!!