Looking for an update on the birthday party and H's antics.

How's it going?

Hi Lex, Thanks for thinking of me this weekend.

Well, the b-day party went okay. Kids seemed to have a blast. H was acting like his "old" social self. We went together in the car with D. Bought her a bike "together". Most of my friends had asked me whether H was going to show up but he not only showed up but acted as if nothing was wrong between us or so it seemed. My sister came with her husband but couldn't stand his behaviour. Too smug, she said.

After the bowling party, H wanted his parents/family along with mine to come over to "our" home for a barbecue. Well, my sister along with my SIL's did not come but IL's and my mother did. My sister said she did not want to come to the house to watch him act like he still lived with me. She got her taste of it at the bowling alley. My SIL's had other plans which was OK.

H barbecued like there was nothing wrong. Talked to our neighbours like he had never left. Everyone left at 11:00 p.m. including H.

Next day we had an annual picnic which I was invited to attend with D held by mutual friends. They invited me but not H. H shows up at the house to go swimming in our neighbour's pool. I didn't ask him to come along but inside, felt so bad for him.

We left. He was in the pool. He called me on my cell to tell me not to worry, he left a light on and put the alarm on...

I came home to find his wet bathing suit, wet towel and traces of him having taken a shower at home.

H called me from the office on my cell at about 9:30 p.m. asking me where I was at...I had just left the park. D had had a blast and had fallen asleep the minute in the car we left.

Okay, does it feel really frightening to just do things with out him? Yes.

And yes, I know I have to stop him from coming over.

I just feel bad hurting him but I know I need to...

Hugs to you

Terrified,

I have been following your story for a while, and I just wanted to tell you something....

You are doing great!

Love and light,

Jacky

Thanks Nina for your encouragement.

Hi T, I just don't know what to say... it seems he is acting nicer.... ???? bizarre, so to say>./??? what is up? with change to nicer behavior..? that could be a good sign.. maybe he knows constant meanies will drive you away.

I dont let my h inm my house alone and he would never let me in his, much less show up univited... nonono... but then again he might have a maid or something over??? who knows? he must have his PRIVACY.

I dont know about letting him around house... sounds like he wants to come back, but doesent... maybe too much of a cake eater? what does steve say? I would ask the experts.... HONEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

T -- how is he getting in?
You changed the locks.

You're enabling his lifestyle T. Sorry to be blunt, but Dday was over a year ago, and you are approaching the one year mark of his moving out. And he's not feeling any pain of it. Why should he change when you just keep letting him have all the benefits that are most important to him.

He's a cake-man, and you're baking the cakes for him. You said he wanted to have everyone over after the party, and you said you didn't. So you let him have his way again. Even though you knew you were gonna watch him behave the same ol way.

You need to get your anger back. Why would you feel bad about hurting him??????? Look at how he treats you and the HORRIBLE things he says to you.

Oops

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

Terri,
He shouldn't have been in your house uninvited and with you not home. Isn't that your agreement?

I'd be really tempted to "lose" the swimsuit, I mean, how...disrespectful to leave his wet suit at your house for you to deal with! But then, I had my own trouble with lovebusters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . But, a simple, "I found your swimsuit in the house, I don't want you in the house when I'm not here." probably is warranted...if that has been your agreement, he needs a reminder.

If he goes back to the "this is my house"...no, it is YOUR house, he chose to leave and now he should respect your space. (something like that)

There is something else you have to place firmly in your mind--the difference between being cruel and having boundaries. Yes, your boundaries may hurt his feelings, but it isn't cruel, it is safeguarding YOU from his mindless yanking of your chain.

I'm sure the moments when he is his "old self", as if he "never left" for the moment give you a feeling of hope and perhaps a sort of satisfaction that he can behave rightly.

But, he hasn't done the work to come home, and he's blatantly breaking your current agreements, ie showering at your house.

The party behavior is fine, you both agreed to that, for the sake of your daughter. Putting your child first is a good thing, I think.

But one good party doesn't make for a good marriage.

I think going places without him is good. Your life is changed, you've realized it, and from his 2 phone calls in one afternoon...he may be as well.

Don't go all gushy now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , keep to your course, you are becoming much stronger and whether your marriage recovers or not, you will.

Terrified - I see myself going to follow the same pattern as you - My husband has left and he now has his own apartment - but still walks into my house like he lives there helps himself to anything in the refrigerator, hangs around etc... I want to not do this because everyone is so angry at me because I continue to kind of let him get the best of both worlds - he has his single life yet - when he wants to come home for family time - I let him walk right in... He still hasn't even picked up all of his stuff - he seems to think there is no great rush.. OK now you have been letting him walk in and out for a year?? why so long?? I do not want to do that - maybe we can try to help ourselves get strong and not let them do this to us anymore..?? We need to move on and make our own lives and if they change their minds fine and if they don't fine also..

TERRI,
I SENSED some hope on your part that your H may be softening & if that is fact the case & you feel you really want to give him another chance, than Yes, by all means, be nice back, heXX, be intimate with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I don't think you feel that strongly about him anymore, do you.
Lexxxy did seem kind of blunt,(you need to get some anger back- ?) but I would imagine it is like most of us here; we would find it very difficult for him to be dramtically different, in the long run, maybe for an hour or two, but over time, I believe most of us would find that hard to believe. This is I believe why most of us (my self included) will tend to encourage you to stick to your guns about Plan B kind of things.
BTW, I do not rememebr, did you have a formal Plan B kind of letter?
I do believe it was way to presumptive of him to invite others over to Barb-Q! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> To me, more evidence of him being a jerk!! Terri, this is disrespectful to you, IMHO!! Your sister loves you and has your best interest in mind & can be real objective! Perhaps you should listen to her.
No "one way" to this, that is for sure. Are you going on vacation this week? The beach thing with your D & H is off, right?

Best of Luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
HH

OK ... I've HAD IT with this man .... what nerve!

PLEASE TERRI .... throw his swim trunks up onto the roof of your house, and leave them there! I will feel better if you do this one teensy tiny thing for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS ... then, if he askes you what happened to his trunks, you could flutter your lashes and say, "Darlin', they're somewhere 'round the house. Where did YOU leave them?"


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Pep

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Terri my dear,

You definitely are filling his needs. Is that what you should be doing now?

Being civil in front of your child is one thing but he is testing you with the throwing laundry thing. Let me share a point: The WS' know that some BS' would do 'anything' and some try to take the BS to their limit.

I like pepper's idea. Lose the shorts on the roof and dont enable him anymore. He wants back, let him show some realy stable and consistent proof.

If you haven't changed the locks then do so. Let him know that you are your child need to be treated srespectfully. Even if he were to come bacck, the reason would need to be what is he willing to do to earn the right to be part of your family.

JMHO,
L.