Well, as so often happens here, WS’s can get your hopes up only to bring you back down.

That’s what happened to me.

Brief recap for everyone: D-day was Feb 2001…wife moved out in March 2001, returned back home August 2001--false recovery--moved out Jan. 2002. Was back in contact with OM again until Feb/March. That appears to be over, based on my observations and discussions with OMW. OM lives about 1,500 miles away.

Two weeks ago my WW called me to say she wanted to work on our marriage and really try to put things back together. She said a lot of the right things and even when I told her I had heard it all before, she said: “I know, but this time I am going to show you.”

Well---still waiting.

She said we needed to spend some time together and we did--for a couple of days, which seemed to be OK. She said she enjoyed being with me, talking etc…but no affection appeared and then she backed way off. We are now back to an occasional e-mail or phone call or (like yesterday) a few hours of beach time with her family.

She says she is sorry she said what she did to perhaps give me the wrong message, but that she was lonely and sad and really was missing me when she said them. She says maybe she went to far…(ya think?)

Anyway---now she is saying she needs to “be smart” about what she is doing and make sure she is doing it for the right reasons…not because she is lonely, but because she is committed to me and us. Still waffling I suppose. She says for me to hang in there…and I’m trying but it’s hard.

BIG COMPLICATION, HOWEVER.

Her dad, who was diagnosed with cancer last year has taken a pretty bad setback and is now quite sick. He is in need of surgery, but in reality it doesn’t look good. I am not sure what that means…months, maybe, I don’t know.

Anyway, WW tells me she just can’t deal with us and her dad’s illness at the same time. I understand to a point…but…it doesn’t make it any easier for me. That’s not me being selfish it’s just me trying to hang on and understand all of this.

If anything, I would like to be there to help her thru all of this and be the person she can rely on, but she doesn’t seem to want that.

I don’t know. This is so frustrating, discouraging, and tiring… I seem like I am really beat down…

Anyway---if you made it this far, thanks…any thoughts would be appreciated and prayers for FIL.

E

Elad,
I went through very similar things with my H, and the memory is still a numb spot.

I used to call it the death spiral. He'd pull away, I'd push close, I'd pull away, he'd push close. I couldn't find the middle ground, maybe there wasn't any.

The most you can do, is what I think was your plan, in order to reconcile at this point, she has to put forth effort. She isn't doing that, so you don't reconcile. You stay the course, polite, amicable, and keeping yourself at the point where reconciliation is a possibility for you if her actions would show she is also ready.

I'm really sorry, I know that each time my hopes rose, it was a such an utter disappointment when the reconciliation failed...until I didn't care so much, finally my H wanted to reconcile and my hopes didn't raise and I didn't want to try again...and that wasn't a particularly good thing either.

As for your father in law, if you have a relationship with him, if you need to or want to you can be there for him, whatever your wife thinks. He's your family too. I don't see how it could be a lovebuster to care for your FIL.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Elad}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Elad, Gaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

No, wait... Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaahhhhhh!!!

Okay, now I'm done...

I'm sorry to hear about that, but I guess it's not unheard of... in fact, it might even be common-place, which scares the f!@#% !#@!!# out of me... since I expect I'd have to face the same thing some day, quite possibly...

Yes, it could be the whole distancer / pursuer thing, or just your WW is still trying to figure out how to dispell the last of the fog.

I don't know what to suggest... Plan A? Sounds like you've done that in spades. Plan B? No... too extreme, especially if she's getting closer to coming out of it. Something in between? Maybe... maybe giving her space again, making yourself a bit mysterious... could you take a trip by yourself, even if just a long weekend? A few small 180's might get her attention and shake the last of the cobwebs away... I don't know... Sounds like you're so close.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>The most you can do, is what I think was your plan, in order to reconcile at this point, she has to put forth effort. She isn't doing that, so you don't reconcile. You stay the course, polite, amicable, and keeping yourself at the point where reconciliation is a possibility for you if her actions would show she is also ready.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lor---Thanks. You are right about the plan--she has to be there effort-wise. I appreciate your sharing how you went thru this. It's good to know someone else has seen something similar.

J.R. Whew....this sucks, right? You said: "Yes, it could be the whole distancer / pursuer thing, or just your WW is still trying to figure out how to dispell the last of the fog."

I have considered this. That she still hasn't shaken off all the fog. That could be a possibility. Part of it the last time, and perhaps this time is that she didn't end it with OM...he ditched her so to speak. Told her not to contact him while he tried to work on his marriage. Quite the blow to the ego...as we all can kind of relate.

Anyway, I am trying to hang in there as she has asked, but man it's been a long time...

Thanks for the responses...

E