I knew 3 weeks ago that WS's C told him to write out the benefits of going with the OW & then staying with me. He was to do this every so often. I don't know if he has done this more than once or twice, but I do know from talking with him that Ws was upset with what I was providing him & what he could expect from OW.

My question is, Do most counselors do this type of list generating? I think it would be productive if my WH would go back & discuss each with C, but he has not so far. This last weekend I found one of his lists. I don't know if he noticed or not.

OW is still with her H (Their kids are over 20 & WH has met her Daughter. OW's D thinks OW should just DV OWH.) (I don't think WS has even thought how strange this sounds.)
1. Loves WS
2. hardworker(I asked if WH thought I was lazy?)
3. Wants to do things with WS
4. Likes to entertain
5. OW is proud of WS
6. She wants to go places with WS.
7. Knows life is not money. (So much for savings)
8. Great Sex
9. Wants to go to functions with WS.
10. Good personality
11. OW knows how to make me feel good.
12. OW is proud of her appearence.

Now the BW (short list).
1. Loves WS
2. Less family conflict
3. Financial income
4. Bw is trying

I have tried to keep from R talks, I maybe am successful 1 out of 2 times. I remember a post about a WS usually does not want to leave a happy BS, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> so I thought I would make that part of my Plan A. Sometimes it works & then sometimes the triggers are just to big. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think WH feels OW is a hardworker, because she has taken on extra jobs besides her day job as a secretary of billings. The OW had to move out of their house last summer, because of cost & yet went to the bahama's & last week spent a week in New Orleans. Her kids are gone & not going to college. I know I need to quit thinking about OW and work on myself.

We had a nice July 4th at the lake for 4 days. Then Monday WH said he needed to stop hurting everybody. I had planned for us to continue his talk, but not inside & we went and sat quitely out in the country. It turned into a nice evening instead of hurt feelings. Tues. I had changed my plans alittle & was gone over night. Wh called a lot & then Wed. night when WH stopped he said he needed time to think alone the next weekend. He said there would be no OW around. So I stayed home until Friday night & then went & surprised him at his motel room at 2 a.m. In the past WH had always wanted me to do something like that, but it was impossible when the kids were younger. Anyway, nice night & Sat at the dinner & dance was okay. I got a bye kiss Sat. & Sun. morning. SF wasn't a problem until Sunday morning. I don't know if fog set back in or what, but the cold shoulder has continued today. I am hopeful A is lessening.

WH had forgotten that it has been one year July 4th since I have known about OW#2.

My WH list of OW is quite similar:
OW said to him that he is the greatest
Of course sexually, she was the greatest for him, she would do anything he asked, and of course, he told her I wouldn't do these things to him.
OW and him wanted to shop together.
OW and him wanted to walk together, WH never wanted to walk with me. But when we were dating we would walk.
OW and him could talk and talk. Of course we talked and talked while we were dating.
OW was disorganized. OW didn't do the bills. OW didn't know how to save money, they were bankrupt 3 times (detective found this out). OW liked to chat on the phone. OW liked to get into other peoples business. OW liked to pretend she was a christian, but do non-christian things in her life (2 sexual affairs while married to the same man - that we know of).
OW was more endowed sexually, in private area than I. And her boobs were more endowed.
OW gave him admiration.
OW didn't call him a nickname, but he called her a nickname. (munchkin, pussyface, etc).
OW loved spending our money, as long as she didn't have to spend her and her husbands money, ($7000) in 6 months.

As for me, nothing but I am a hard worker, and an organized person. Oh well, I guess that doesn't matter, just not enought for my WH.

Just an observation

On the list, "doing things" is listed 3 times. Numbers 3, 6, and 9. Maybe this is something that is very important to your H and he hasn't realized it yet.

Suggestion.....do things with him. Go out, etc..

By the way, what was your H's resonse when you asked if he thought you were not a hardworker?

I just read these lists and thought . hey we bs can beat these bimbos... ! just start meeting the admiration and attractiveness needs- funny that was so ooo much a part of my original plan a... and it worked like a charmer...

hugs and luck, honey

Thanks cry2, both you & I know we have more to give WH than what they listed. Still we need to keep a stiff upper lip & get to the point of just going with the rollarcoaster in plan a or going to plan b.

I don&#8217;t like discussing OW because I am trying to be at the point of just working on me & letting God handle things in his time. (This is hard). July 4th was 1 year since I knew this OW. Any action on my part I have to be able to deal with the consequences.

Anyway a part of OW&#8217;s attraction was church, when they met WH was a trustee in our church & OW is still a deaconess in her church. (Her 2nd A while still married also). WH quit but she hasn&#8217;t faced the truth yet. Together they concluded that I didn&#8217;t believe in God, so it was okay to leave me out. When I am working, Sunday morning is really the only time for me, so I took it & often didn&#8217;t go to church with WH. Besides I usually ended up crying listening to the sermon or songs, this was even before I knew of A. I knew God was giving me strength then because I was surrounded by his presense, 2 coworkers are lay ministers & usually checked in on my relationship with god, 2 dear friends that know much about WH A, (1 is quitting her job & now just starting her first ministering at a new church &#8211; I told her that I helped her to widen her territory with sharing my experiences &#8211; &#8220;Prayer of Jabez&#8221; & the 2nd friend is a secertary to two ministers & in charge of the outreach & education programs) plus two years ago a minister moved next door & is making sure I am okay. I know God is working with me. Plus I have been given many MB friends that make sure I am remembering God&#8217;s words. Thank-you all.

It must be a WS thing to call people nicknames. It think usually it is degrading along with people need to grow up. WH still calls people by their college or high school nicknames. They may have had some of those traits in the past but they grown past them. He doesn&#8217;t ask if they mind being called that. The names WH gave to women are not endearing.

WH wanted me to quit my job & moved with him after he told me about his A. I told him I couldn&#8217;t because now I had to take care of me & the kids. New job is less money, but I knew he wasn&#8217;t happy in the old job. So now we have been seperated for 4 months. Before A&#8217;s 3 years ago we where almost debit free. Wh was concern about saving money, now the house is almost fully mortaged, 2 years ago bought a new vehicle, he cashed in his life insurance & now he bought a 2nd vehicle for better gas milage, plus has a credit card balance of $4000. He wanted me to cash in my life insurance also &#8211; It took along time but I didn&#8217;t. I don&#8217;t think the OW has paid for any phone cards or motel rooms.

I think when I started to watch the money flow for D-20 college tuition, he couldn&#8217;t hide his A anymore. I had planned on limiting our (his) fun money for tuition.


Hi Regretting, sorry I got so wordy above. I noticed those needs also. That was a big reason why I went to him last weekend. I knew it would meet his need & I had the time, where when I am working it is difficult. I don&#8217;t think as of yet the OW can meet those need s of doing things with WH other than motel visits. I have known for a long time WH was lonely when he left home for conferences. He wanted someone to show off to his buds, at least that is how I felt. After reading His needs/ Her needs I was looking at it from mpov & he didn&#8217;t want me there out of care & concern for me. I am more aware now of his pov. WH never considered that spending $17,000 on a boat would mean he would give up going on trips to different parts of the country for a while. I got to the point where I despised the boat even though it was for family togetherness.

The OW talks about going to Cali, Bahama&#8217;s, New Orleans, & I know it is something WH would like to do also. This next month is our 25 Anniversary, should I ask if he would LIKE TO DO something special? I had always considered we would just go have fun somwhere special.

The OW is a hardworker because she had to pay for the trips they took & the home they had to sell was more than they could afford. She gave no crdit to OWH. So she was a banquet waitress on the weekends & also took a few temporary jobs cleaning businesses. She didn&#8217;t have any kids at home.

I can look back & see WH just let me do all the home, school, & family things, he didn&#8217;t take any responsibilty for the nonfun things of daily life, unless I asked. He can leave his job at the end of the day & not think of it, where I work 9 months with many nights & weekends. My home is usually clean although there is clutter. During the summer his parents always stayed with us for a month or longer.

I feel WH was just to absorbed in OW to see the good things we do for them. I think Wh would like to do thinks with me now, but can&#8217;t because of the new job with limited vacation days & his funding is limited to his income only now.
I just thought of something I can do that the OW can&#8217;t. I can go see WH in the other town even while his mom is there, but she can&#8217;t &#8211; job responsibilities. Darn I hate reality.

Hi Honey, thanks for reminding me. When we separated it was near his b-day & valentine's day so I just sent cards instead of talking. He liked that & then he said something about working on marriage. Since WH doesn't like gifts from me, I have been treating myself. It is kinda nice. I know I look good, because I can feel the attention from others.