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I hate to do this, but I just don't know where to turn. Steve is not available until the 22nd, my W is headed on a trip to go see the OM, this was confirmed today absolutely, and without question; don't know if I should confront or not...please take a look at my "Affairs that don't end" thread...
<small>[ July 15, 2002, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>
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I'm sorry, man...
I wish I had the answers... but I'm just as human and imperfect as anyone, so my wisdom is limited by all that... Part of my vision of personal faith is hunting for strength to do the right thing, knowing that there is no "absolute right", probably.
Can you accept any possible outcome right now? Are you ready for that? If so, I'd personally guess "confront". But with love. Loving toughness.
Remember that any one single encounter with WS and OP is just that - one single encounter. There's countless numbers of them during this whole horrible experience. I have plenty of proof that after I left in Plan B, WW ran to OM a lot more, rather than take time for herself, despite what she's told IC/MC... What can I do? Absolutely nothing. I've let go, so although it hurts like heck, I just need to accept.
Of course, who knows what COULD happen if they communicate... LB? Seeing him in there hits her with some more reality? Seeing him in there makes him seem all the more tragic / attractive? I don't know... What does your gut tell you?
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My gut tells me to let her go, and confront her with Steve when she returns. I don't see any difference in confronting before or after.
If I confront before, I can say; ok, I know you're going, you can choose to go and end our M, or you can stay and choose our M.
But what stops me from saying the same thing when she returns? Only that she does not have the opportunity to stop her trip (Which would be a pretty good gesture), but aside from that, she'd still have to do whatever it is Steve wants her to do to "prove" she's committed to the M, or face the consequences.
The downside of confronting now could be that it degenerates into a major LB like it has when I've confronted her before, and that could send us back quite a bit.
If I wait and confront with Steve, she can hear it from him, and she has begun to trust him, so we could achieve the same result w/o the potential to send us back a few steps...
I really don't know...
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Ok, Ok, let's not panic. I still have all of tomorrow to see if I can get a hold of Steve, maybe he'll call tonight. I DID leave him an urgent message.
I'm sorry to have panicked like this, but I'm in a very difficult moment and I'm getting conflicting advice.
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Just posted on your other thread about how this brings up panic, but I ordinarily am very logical in my thinking. Sure enough, right after I posted the logic came!
Your thoughts and reasons about waiting for Steve to confront make a lot of sense to me. Dont know if I would be abe to DO that but that is what my logical brain tells me would be best. Panic is useless but of course completely normal!!!!!
Replaced
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Hearing it from you made perfect sense, SC...
I think you've got a better handle on this than anyone, to be truthful... Your logic is sound, and I change my opinion somewhat - don't confront right now... what will one more visit change anyhow? I think it's better to go into a confrontation like this well prepared, well scripted and VERY CALM... since you're not so calm at this second (understandable), I'd agree that it could degenerate quickly... Don't let that happen... it lets her off too easily...
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SC,
Let it go - you can't control her and affairs need to die on its own, otherwise you'll be more frustrated and any efforts to stop this will be a definite lb.
JMHO.
Take Care. Come here to vent.
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I have to agree with Liveanew - if you confront her, you are putting her into that "it's me or him NOW" choice position - and I don't think you are really emotionally detached enough right now to accept it if she doesn't come your way. Your heart wants her to choose you, but she probably wouldn't because her ego would say "hell, I'm not going to let him push me around" - so if you confront her now, you will just activate that part of her mind. In other words, you'll push her out the door, when she isn't yet there on her own. I KNOW she's tearing your heart out by keeping up this game, but I think that if you can manage to let her go, it would be better to let Steve confront her after she comes back. If you confront her now, you are still trying to control her. If you confront her after, painful as it is to feel so helpless, you are asking her to take the consequences for her own actions. There's a BIG difference.
(((((Spacecase))))
I'm off on vacation for a week, so won't be around. Will check in again next week. Take care.
LIR
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Thank you, LIR; that is, indeed, the other side of this coin....well put. I'll have to ponder the options and hope for some guidance from Steve...
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Dear Spacecase, my H did the exact same thing a few months ago going to Thailand to be with OW. I had to let go, I had no choice, but I did let him know without a doubt that I wasn't pleased. Other than that there is nothing you can do to stop her.
I'm sorry for this for you Spacecase, I hope Steve calls you back
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Spacecase,
About your appointment with Steve, have you asked them to put you on a cancellation list, that if someone else can't make their appointment, that they would call you? It seems that I have always
gotten an appointment that way if I really needed one.
It just hurts deep down when something like this happens.
God Bless,
D.
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Spacecase, I guess I look at it this way. Do you want her deciding if you stay together or do you want to make that decision? If it were me, I would want to make that decision. If you confront her with an ultimatum, you are giving her the power to make the decision. If you wait, you retain the power to decide if YOU want this marriage to continue. Also I have not read your other thread today, but my suggestion is to sneak into her luggage or handbag. Just a note, telling her you love her, and will miss her. Sometimes knowledge is a GOOD thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Use it wisely young Spaceman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You know where she is going, and what she is up to, so just a short note, properly placed where she will find it when she leaves home, would seem to me just the ticket. Perhaps, two notes if you can manage it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Two can play the sneaky game you know. Play your hand well, you have more power and options than you think. Wait for Steve to get back and talk with him. Meanwhile you have acted on your knowledge: a love note. A nice touch don't you think??? God Bless, JL
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Thanks WGTT; it's not that Steve doesn't have an appointment. He's out of town at a conference all this week!
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Space,
You're getting some great advice here. Bravo JL!! I like the way you think! CSue
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning: <strong>Spacecase, I guess I look at it this way. Do you want her deciding if you stay together or do you want to make that decision? If it were me, I would want to make that decision. If you confront her with an ultimatum, you are giving her the power to make the decision. If you wait, you retain the power to decide if YOU want this marriage to continue. Also I have not read your other thread today, but my suggestion is to sneak into her luggage or handbag. Just a note, telling her you love her, and will miss her. Sometimes knowledge is a GOOD thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Use it wisely young Spaceman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You know where she is going, and what she is up to, so just a short note, properly placed where she will find it when she leaves home, would seem to me just the ticket. Perhaps, two notes if you can manage it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Two can play the sneaky game you know. Play your hand well, you have more power and options than you think. Wait for Steve to get back and talk with him. Meanwhile you have acted on your knowledge: a love note. A nice touch don't you think??? God Bless, JL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL; this is a magnificent idea!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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well, this "anyone" votes with JL on this one. And your logic is probably safer than the emotions on this. I know your rope is freyed... I'm not sure what one more trip to FL will hurt. (hey that reminds me of the string going into the bar joke: "I'm a freyed knot" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
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WoW ... Just Learning gave Spacey the most awesome advice .... waaaaaaaay better than anything I was going to offer! The ultimate Plan A offering. A mushy love note ... and... a sexy suggestive note too.... wow. DO THIS! Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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SC, I am glad you liked the idea. Us old guys have learned something you youngsters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> haven't figured out yet. If you can't win fair, then win. That is what knowledge is for, so you can win. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I can see all sorts of possibilities from this, but when you point out the info to Steve, she will know that you knew and still gave her the note. In someways this is sort of like martial arts. The idea is often to use the other persons energy, and strength against them. A frontal assualt is rarely rewarded unless overwhelming superiority has been established, and then it is easier to encircle and capture, if you have those resources. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> SC, as much as this hurts, you have to view it differently. You must realize that you cannot lose. You have lost the marriage, what you will get is your marriage rebuilt, or freedom from the pain. In either case you will win, you don't have to defend all of the time which is what most BS's do, you can go on the offensive (a love note) because you KNOW you can take the pain and you have the power of the decision, she does not really. So hang in there, and plan your actions well Young SpaceCase. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Have a good night and God Bless, JL
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith1: <strong>well, this "anyone" votes with JL on this one. And your logic is probably safer than the emotions on this. I know your rope is freyed... I'm not sure what one more trip to FL will hurt. (hey that reminds me of the string going into the bar joke: "I'm a freyed knot" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Faith! Don't make me feel bad...I was in panic mode when I wrote that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
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Thanks for chiming in, Pep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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