I need to do this. I'll stare at my eyelids when I feel like I've learned enough. I don't want to go away imagining what might still be there. And I'm hoping that it's just work traffic. Although I made it clear that she's supposed to get "coworker that knows" to handle the dialog from this next project on. And she'd be doing both of us a big favor if she handed it over now!

AND, if she'd just NOT HIRE OM for the next 2 jobs. She's already going ahead, though. I haven't decided whether I'll go to plan B on that alone, yet. Probably.

Keep going then, I can understand your sentiments about later regretting leaving the job unfinished. When does she come back?

And she hires this guy? Where is the POJA on this...she must know how that hurts you!

My guess is that you probably won't find anything (well, I am HOPING for you). But then, I used to say that to myself...I will check this, but there probably won't be anything....and a lot of the time I was wrong.

Still, that she left the laptop behind is either very stupid, very smart, or she just had nothing to hide.

boy, this is difficult! The files aren't in chronological order, so I'm having to jump around a lot.

Found one email I had seen a partial reply to that was dated Feb 26th of this year. Not much new, and thankfully nothing graphic. OM wanted so see her and was wondering when next they could meet.

I seem to remember with my Norton unerase wizard it was possible to order the retrieved files by date. I am not sure but I think it worked much the same as in Outlook Express, where you click on the column heading for date, and it will order them from latest to earliest...click again and it becomes early to late.

If I am wrong, maybe I did a right click on the column, or something?

Found one that's dated just 4 days ago. It's definitely personal, though not overtly sexual (there is a pun in that area, though, from him).

Ugh, well there goes my theory.

I am sorry there was anything to find. I know this must be so hard for you right now, but I am staying around for a while longer, to give whatever support I can from this end of the world.

I know exactly how you feel right now, doing the snooping, and then finding stuff, and my heart goes out to you.

Did you try the ordering thing yet?

2Long,

I do not think you have enough evidence yet to confront her. Wait for some very hard evidence. You do not want to play your hand just yet. Remember your snooping makes her BETTER at sneaking around. The more you snoop, the better she gets at hiding everything. So, confrontations should be limited AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Besides, the confrontation will NOT make things better it will only fuel her fire and maybe the OM fire. If there is anything going on, it WILL surface. It is impossible to keep these things totally hidden. A way to snoop without her knowing is be very inquisitive about what she is doing. Ask her casually what she did today etc. If anything is going on, she will be lying and eventually she will slip up or provide you with a perfect oportunity to catch them (even accidentally) meeting somewhere (like what happened to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

Good luck. Keep calm. Snooping only brings on anxieties, but it is a necessary part of the BS recovery and building of trust (regardless of what the WW may say. Besides, how else are we going to prove that she is truthfull unless we find evidence that she is truthfull). Just keep it to yourself. You need to put together a case with a huge bag full of evidence before you bring it to the JUDGE.

Actually, I do think I have enough evidence. The message from 4 days ago talks about her property/research project, that's HER PERSONAL project, and she is talking about samples that WE gathered just less than 2 weeks ago, and trying to figure out a way to see him and deliver them to him so he can analyze them himself.

This is personal stuff, dated after we met with our IC by about 3 days, and shows clearly that she is ignoring my "boundaries" as I stated them at the meeting. I said that I would have to quit this R if she resumes a R with him, including a professional R. This isn't even a professional R, and if it was, then a reference to her breasts on his part was very, very inappropriate.

Hey folks, I'm figuring I'll run Unerase on this stuff and mail it to my own computer. I'm done. I just have to figure out how to be compassionate with this woman that I thought was my W and wanted to be again, while I draft a plan B letter and get out of this M.

This is ridiculous.

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

2long,
Wait a day or two just to think things out. If you are still confident that you want out after this time, then go for it!
Don't do anything drastic right now!

Sweden

I agree, 2long, never make a decision to go to Plan B when you are angry. Let it sink in for a few days, and then think about what you are going to do.

Love and light, and I hope you get a good night's sleep,

Jacky

You guys are right. I am calm, though. I guess the biggest thing I feel is an overwhelming numbness right now. I really thought that my W was really trying, based on what she said she was going to do after this report was finished. I really feel like a chump in many ways, even though I know I have no reason to.

The thing is, this is not the woman I M'd, and not the woman I thought was coming back to our M. I know that the signs of a continuing EA were there in her anti-M remarks all through this time, but I felt that there was good reason to love her - to restore our M. But it's been 12 years of lies now. I don't want to end up like UsedLongAgo, finding myself at retirement age with another A discovery on my table. I can't do that.

I will think about this. I won't do anything rash. I promise. I have been following SC's situation, which is pretty similar in a lot of ways, and was one of those that agreed that NOT confronting his W was the best thing to do. I don't plan to confront.

I do plan to quit, though.

Actually, I'm not going to bother unerasing the files. I don't have time for that anyway. In the end, the stuff I found post D-day wasn't all that incriminating, just the number of contacts and the recent content is what's disturbing. I'm definitely not where I thought I was, though I suppose that I have suspected she hasn't begun withdrawal. Now I know she hasn't. But I also know that my self imposed deadline for plan B was this October, and I'm losing my love rapidly for my W right now.

So, I'm going to take some time and draft a couple of possible plan B letters - one where I stay in the house, the other where she stays. Having her stay might give her some much-needed responsibility to her family. Having her move out would be an excuse to run to OM (which might be a good thing - he'll start LBing like crazy with all that he's going through himself!).

The man's a piece of $hit, I'm certain now. My W is really messed up and he's only making things worse. What an [censored]!

Now there's that "light of reason" shining back through!!!
It stinks being taken advantage of, but at the same time, if you view the situation as following a normal course (A dying after a period of time) then you can more easily sit back and let thing unwind for themselves. It is a terrible time, we all know that, but there really isn't a lot we can presently do about it.

Hang in there!

What about a little sleep??
I'm off to the beach with ther kids and their very disgruntled mother...

Sweden

YOu're absolutely right, Sweden!

I have about an hour and a half before I have to get up and get ready for work. I've done this before ...just not in the past 20 years or so!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a good day at the beach! See you when/if you get back to the US!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>With Spacecase's recent developments earlier today (or yesterday, here, actually), I realize again that this is the right thing to do. Trouble for me is that we seemed to be doing well, except for no NC agreement, that I was getting all cozy with my "progress." Well, this proves that progress hasn't happened, and that my W is okay with lying to me and our Cs. So, like SC, I guess I've got a lot tougher road ahead of me than I thought I had.

Trouble is that at my IC session yesterday, I told him that I am feeling like I might need to go to plan B in the near future. I had originally placed my timeline at mid-October for plan B, but have been feeling lately that nothing will happen if I don't go to it sooner. But maybe that's as good a reason for NOT going to B right now. I don't know. I feel like the lying is making it hard to believe in the closeness. Actually, I know that it ISN'T sincere. It's an act. Or maybe, like my IC is saying, it's her "conflicting emotions" and at best she's struggling to decide whether to stay with me or go with OM. She SAYS she'd rather be alone than with either of us, but now I don't think I believe she wouldn't run to OM if we split up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2L;
I believe this assessment is correct; they DO struggle with their emotions, as our Plan A's have their effect, as time passes. I have also often felt that my wife's actions are "an act" put on to deceive, but I think when I'm more rational, I see it for what it is.

Remember I've always had that nagging feeling that she's playing me, and waiting for the "right moment"? It's this feeling EXACTLY!

I think you will need something similar to what I'll need; some sort of confrontation, hopefully with the MC, planned for a clear and precise desired outcome; adherence, rules, committment, etc. Probably with a few days' timeframe to accept.

And at the same time, be prepared for your counter-move, if needed. Plan B in my case.

I'm sorry to hear this from you; we really felt things were on the right track. And maybe they are; don't lose hope!

SC:

I honestly hope I can hold this up when my W gets back from her trip this afternoon. I have my doubts.

Having "slept" on it now for an hour, I still feel completely numb. A little angry, a lot of numbness, and very little, if any, love.

I know what I need to do... ...again! And I know she's in a mess emotionally, but I just don't know if I can care for her anymore. I'm worried that maybe I should get out before I say or do something truly heartless and make HER recovery that much worse. And maybe I've just been protecting her from truly hitting bottom all this time, and that's just what she needs the "opportunity" to do. I dont' know.

I just don't know.

2L; you've gotten good advice, and I think you now know how to cool off, think, plan before acting.

This is one of those opportunities for a breakthrough; use it well.

I'm going to try to get ready for work now.

Man, what a mess. I think she's just gotten herself in so deep for so long that OM and his "help" to her carreer has become far more important to her than I have been.

Okay, daughter's out of the shower. My turn.

Hi 2long. I missed a lot last night, but it looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice. I wanted to let you know that my heart is with you.

You have done a wonderful plan A. As it has been mentioned, it is very possible that this is nothing. Your reaction and feelings are completely justifiable and understandable. I would say not to confront, at least not yet.

From what you have posted it would seem that there has been progress. Don't lose sight of that, but don't blindly follow it either. Quite honestly, it sounds to me that your WW feels she can continue a innocent friendship/work relationship with the OM. If she is sincere in wanting the M to work, as she has somewhat suggested recently, she will soon learn that it's not possible.

My best to you friend. Take care, and good luck.