I confirmed my wife IS having an affair-i snooped, called the OM Friday, and he confessed. He is a new Private in the Army, and at first i told him to stay away from her or i would tell his drill sergeant, and it can ruin his career, but then later in the conversation, i told him do what he needs to do, i blame my W. I told W i knew, that i thought about telling on him, she said don't, its her fault, and she would hate me for it. I know he at least talked, and probably saw W this weekend. I know its LBing, but right now i plan on going out to his unit tonight when he gets back from pass, confronting him on this face to face, and i want to ruin his career. I saw legal counsel Fri, told W that i can't keep going like this, and that i see D as the only answer. She's been staying at a girlfriends house, so the last two days i have been debating the D thing- I don't know if i can do it because of the kids, but i'm afraid i'll go insane if SOMETHING doesn't change!!

I'm very sorry to learn your situation...I've been married 18 years and my wife had her first affair in July. We are rebuilding now, So I do know how you feel. Words can't describe the hurt and yes it is a long road before the hurt goes away.<BR>My advise is, if the marriage can be saved, it's well worth the effort, it will be even stronger and more meaningful if you can get through this. First....You have posted your feeling, but I read nothing as to how she feels...Maybe you don't know yourself, but before you make the divorce decision, find out what she wants...it's certainly not a decision you can make yourself. You didn't make the decision to marry by yourself. Also understand a divorce won't take the hurt away, if fact you will probably carry the hurt with you for the rest of your life if you don't at least try to save it. If she ends it than thats another thing. The second thing I will recommend is to learn all you can that Harley teaches, just the information on this web site can get you through this. However two of his books will give much more detail...Surviving an affair, and His needs Her needs. If you will put these principles into effect, and through love teach her as well, than you will I believe with all my heart, survive the hurt you feel. <BR>I still have a long way to go, but the principles Harley teaches are the only thing thats helped us...Hope this helps you, and please keep us updated with how it's going.

RWC-<BR> Thanks. I posted two threads a week ago-"feshly Hurt" when this first started. Her stance after labor day and as of yesterday was-she can't keep living like this(i keep confronting her everytime she comes home with my suspicions, she denies all, gets mad, then i feel bad. Then is comes out through my snooping that all my suspicions are true.) Talking to a friend she has been staying with, supposedly she still loves me, but wants seems to want to have fun right now, because of all the LBing i have been doing the last 2 years, and especially the last 6 months. I just can't handle knowing she is going to another M. I have had a hard 2 years, and this is the one thing that i was ready or have the energy to deal with.

I don't see where telling OM one more time, that you do not want him to see your wife, and you will be going to the drill sargeant IF you see no positive change in your marriage, or IF he sees her again.<P>You do need to make sure you do not lovebust. You need to portray the safest person for your wife to be around. She's unreasonable, but you don't have to be.<P>Wait on the divorce. It is always bad to make big decisions while under so much stress. You have more to gain by waiting, and trying. Don't forget those little children that are counting on you! YOU are the only one they can count on for a happy life with BOTH parents. <P>Your wife may be going through a stage - do you think she is doing some drugs as well?<P>Do NOT L O V E B U S T!!!!! Please!<BR>

You may have to do what I did. When I discovered her affair, I had to do alot of soul seaching, and when I took a look at myself I didn't like what I saw. So I first had to change me, and change I did. Next I had to go get her...I always expected us to meet halfway, but she was too far gone for that to happen...I had to go all the way and bring her back. When I showed her how much she meant to me, She took my hand and the rebuilding begun. <BR>I would like to stress that you can make alot of mistakes when it comes to winning your wife back...make sure you know all of Harley's do's and don't's first. In your situation, you may not see results as fast as I did.<BR>Somehow you need to show her how much she means to you without pushing or pressuring her, and that is very hard to do. What worked for me is, I showed her I could change, became the husband she wanted, and most important, started meeting her emotional needs....And it Worked!

At this point, i would say drugs are a possibility, but not likely, as i know she can't afford them, and the OM would be even MORE stupid than i thought for trying to do them with all the drug tests we take in the military. Two weeks ago, i FINALLY woke up and looked at myself, and did not like what i saw. That's when i found this site, and realized that she worked so hard for so long, that's the least i could do. But when i wasn't working for the marriage, i wasn't at the extreme that she is right now. She is giving me absolutely no hope, in her actions, words, anything. She keeps apoligizing, will say she loves me and always will, but like her friend said, she will teach you what she thinks you want to hear, whether she's talking to me, or one of her friends. She's lied to everybody at different levels. I'm afraid that if i do talk to the OM, then I will anger her even more and cause her to resent me. But i want to let her and OM know i'm not going to just sit by and be taken advantage of either. She is afraid that i won't change for the long term. I promised her 4 months ago when we started to go to counselling that i would change, but i would only change for a couple of days, then regress again. I have been going to some divorce sites, which have made me realize that i need to stabilize my financial situation better, and plan it better, with less anger and pain. Thank you guys, you are my only outlet right now, until i decide to talk to friends( the whole ashamed, embarassed thing)

You probably have made an accurate assessment of your behavior, and the extreme behavior she is displaying.<P>But you must be careful not to make the mistake of wanting justice vs. repairing the marriage.<P>Maybe you need a break? If you can't establish a track record of no lovebusters and providing a safe environment, and trying to meet your wife's emotional needs - then maybe plan B? The private and her probably would resume the relationship - but she may tire of him in plan B because her emotional need of financial security could not be met... Gee, I don't know what to say - because you are not sure you can continue the marriage, and you haven't set a track record for your wife to want to come back to you.... Plan B has a better chance if you have done A for a while.<P>Have you read basic concepts real well? Have you considered calling Steve Harley?

I was going to schedule a session with him. I've read and reread, but as i'm sure you know better than me, i'm going through the cycle of anger, hurt, peace, anger, hurt, peace over and over, and right now the anger is the one that stays the longest with me. She just seems so resigned to want out. She won't come right out and say it, but my gut instinct is she does. And unfortunately my instict has been right so far.

But, right now this isn't about her behavior or what she wants. It is about the GOAL?<P>Don't cave in. Can you go for a long walk - go cry somewhere privately - anything to help your anger? I think you need to get past this stage. <P>Sometimes, these feelings that come and go are so intense, we have such a hard time. Part of healing and dealing with this is learning how to manage them.<P>

It's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever done - to get through this and work towards restoring your marriage. <P>You were right the other day when you said you think this was going to be a long hard road. It may SEEM long, but it is more hard than long - if you think in terms of a lifetime.<P>You can get through this. The best of us have, ya know! It is very painful. But infidelity is the cause of 90% of the divorces in this country! I'll remind you, there is a 90% +/- success rate using the Harley methods.<P>Hang in there! You CAN do this. <P>Have you had your breakfast yet? Have to remember to eat, ya know. You need all the physical strength you can muster to get through this emotional roller coaster. <P>Be sure to sleep regularly too, okay?<BR>

You're a lifesaver. I have been neglecting myself bigtime. I've literally lost over 20 lbs in the last 2-3 wks. I used to do alot of physical training, but have absolutely no desire lately. I'm also normally a healthy eater, and am lucky to eat a bowl of cereal a day. I've tried running and eating, but lose all desire. I have been on leave the last week, and am going back to work tomorrow, hopefully i will be able to focus on somethingelse. Actually i have been walking. There is a fitness trail and golf course in the woods right behind my house that i normally run on, but lately i've been walking the trail during the day and the golf course at night. I've done plenty of crying, i'm here to tell ya.

just talked to W on phone-she definitely wants a seperation for 6 mos-1y yr so she has time alone to figure out whether she still loves me or not. Is willing to get D if i don't want to seperate. Not looking good for the home team!

just talked to W on phone-she definitely wants a seperation for 6 mos-1y yr so she has time alone to figure out whether she still loves me or not. Is willing to get D if i don't want to seperate. Not looking good for the home team!

rik999,<P>In reading your posts, I remember the pain so vividly. TNT has been giving you some wonderful advice. Don't throw in the towel just yet. Don't make rash decisions. It's a long tough road. <P>As you know I still have tough times too and I've been at this for a while. It does take a long time with real change in both of you. You might as well be the one to start things off and stop love busting, and work towards rebuilding. <P>A few suggestions:<BR>1. Don't separate if at all possible. That will make things much tougher for everyone. Suggest a separrate room in your home as an alternative. My wife stayed because of the kids, perhaps your will too.<BR>2. Go ahead and cry, but keep it to your self. I found it to be a love buster for my W. <BR>3. Start journalizing your feelings. Write all the hate letters you want but don't send them. Write down all that you feel. In time, you will be able to review and see what kind of progress you are making.<BR>4. figure out your part in this mess. I know your wife is the one that betrayed you, but you need to figure out how your marriage got screwed up. Knowing that, you can make real improvements.<BR>5. You and your wife can heal from this. The easiest thing to do is to run away from the problems. But, the right thing is to do all you can to work through this. You don't want any regrets later on. If you have to do Plan A, before you go to Plan B. <BR>6. Keep in mind your wife is screwed up right now. She's not thinking straight. She doesn't know what she really wants. You need to be stable. You need to be the voice of reason. <BR>7. Also, I hope you realize its all very unfair. But, it can work out. You both can heal. Things will be different, but that can be a very good thing. <BR>8. Take care of yourself. I lost 30lbs in 3 months. Who can get during the early stages of this? You'll need your strength, so eat something.<BR>9. Keep posting. We'll help you the best we can.<P>Hang in there brother. We're pulling for you.<P>SHA<BR>

SHA, <BR> Thanks. She is coming home tonight for the first time in a few days, to see the kids and put them to bed. We are gong to talk then. I will try the other room technique. I was in denial about her wanting to seperate until i talked to her on the phone earlier, and it finally hit me. I told her i loved her, and wanted her to be my wife.The problem is she knows i keep checking up on her,and man, does she get angry when she even suspects it. That is the biggest LB i am doing right now, constantly letting her know i doubt every word she says, but its so hard to believe anything she says. I have made her work situation hell, as we have had a couple of "discussions" there. She ended up crying, had to leave early a couple of times, and even yelled at me, using a few choice words with customers around. I am not allowed in the shop when she is there, and she says she thinks she might get fired, but i think most of that is to make me feel guilty. She said the OM doesn't want to talk to me, and that i am using my rank to try to f*** him over. My opinion is-i'm not using my rank, i'm using what you did to me to screw him over! I still don't know if i will go to his unit and talk to someone. I think it will just be an LB, because that won't make her stop feeling for him. I think she might buy the other room option due to the financial benefit of us staying together right now. If she wants me totally out, then as per my counselors advice, i am going to make it a legal seperation, to where she has to experience what it will be like without my total support anymore. Even her friends know that she probably won't make it due to her moneymaking potential. I have a friend that went through this in Feb, but his wife wanted a divorce immediately. Right now alot of my friends are deployed, so i have done nothing but sit home and stew about my situation. You all give me the desire to fight-and, as it says in our unit creed that we all have memorized,"...surrender is not a ranger word..." <BR> I hope things are going better for you, haven't seen any new threads from you, was wondering. Thanks again.<p>[This message has been edited by rik999 (edited September 12, 1999).]