What have I done. Never conceived that I could do the things I've done. Must really be a dredge of lower slime.

Though I did not have an affair, several years ago while at a convention, several of us went to a club that vegas is known for. After several private dances there was an emotional release.
The very fact that I could have done something of that nature disgust me and to think how I let my spouse down is hard to deal with. Over the next couple of months I was close to several other ladies and actually had ladies to touch me. Yes I do feel like slime but how do you move beyond that.

Though I have spent time with the concepts, would radical honesty do more harm than good and since it was not an isolated act can it be put behind me. Does telling the spouse just make me feel better or would it destory her.

Ladies would you want to be told? Other than that low life actions we have had a wonderful marriage for 15 years.

<small>[ July 17, 2002, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: howcouldidoit ]</small>

At times my head aches and my stomach churns over what I have done. I have always believed myself to be a good man, yet my actions have shown otherwise.

How well do YOU know your wife of 15 years? Do you know her well enough to trust her with the truth? Or... do you not trust her with the truth? Sorry ... you cannot pretend that keeping the truth from her is for her benifit ... that kite won't fly with this group. Keeping the truth from her is for YOUR benifit .... will you admit that?

Your question begs to be answered ... "Are most men evil?"

, I don't think this is a true statement. Most men are NOT evil... but are weak and selfish at times perhaps.

Good luck.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I guess I would have to answer the question with a resounding YES...but thankfully most women are too, so it tends to balance out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You weren't evil or horrid...you were weak and tempted. It can happen to ANYONE.

If you really are remorseful for your deeds then you need to come clean with your W about your 'activities' because she deserves to know the truth. And also remember that the truth about your doings may be revealed to her by someone else later on and then you are going to be in a much weaker position when trying to ask for her forgiveness. She'll probably be devastated by your revelation but it will be less devastating than having someone else break the 'news' to her.

Even if you ultimately decide to continue to hide the truth from her, your shame has already affected your marriage in ways she has already noticed. And the fact that you just posted something that happened years ago means that it will continue to fester and consume you in ways that could destroy your marriage later on.

If you had been HONEST with her when you returned home from Vegas all those years ago, you probably would not be here guilt ridden and probably be recovered and happily married.

And in the future, try to avoid 'friends' and co-workers that love doing those things behind their spouses back. They are more trouble than they are worth.

I have reached the conclusion that I rank about 3 steps below pond scum in the order of things.
Do know my wife and think that she would prefer not to know. But...

1. How do you tell someone that loves you that your slime and don't deserve them.

2. I have eliminated the temptation from my life, different job does not require travel.

3. Saw an apology letter posted here by a spouse that really summed up my feelings, but cannot find it now, could someone point me in correct direction.

4. Always said that the only reason she would leave would be abuse or cheating. So what do I do without this wonderful woman in my life, that I betrayed.

5. Even after I tell her how do I live with myself for doing something I swore would never happen.

I broke a promise and I have always been known as a man of integrity, yet I see myself as dirt.

I worry that I will just be trading one set of troubles in for another. Would it not be easier to suck it up like a man and endure.

Things may or may not be as bad off-if you tell her.

Another thing, things can grow from DIRT! You know that dont ya.

Tell her.

wwl

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: wrestlingwithlove ]</small>

If you keep thinking youre dirt you'll turn into mud from all the sweating it out.

I WISH my WH felt like you do, at least you feel bad and want to fix it up. Its called repenting (an old fashioned word perhaps, but sums it up the best) and this means acknowledging what you did wrong, admitting it, then turning away from it and trying to fix anything you can (cant always fix everything) and lastly, receive forgiveness (if you get it and you certainly will from God) which means you can get over it and get on with life. Easy said huh!

I would want to be told, then she knows that you guys need to work a bit harder on your relationship, at least give her the opportunity to do that with you. Turn this failure into a success.

I hope you find the strength to do what you gotta do.

My prayers are with you,

Dancer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Telling her may be crucial so the two of you can sit down and figure out what the conditions are in your marriage that left you vulnerable to the temptation. I'm not saying that these conditions are her fault. It could be something as simple as spending too much time apart, or she may trust you TOO much, or give you freedom that you can't handle.

Don't wallow in the guilt- learn the lesson and use the knowledge to change your life. OK so you were pond slime. Figure out how to be Mr. Wonderful and show that side to your wife. You can do this whether you tell her or not.

It sounds like you've already changed some of the conditions that allowed this to happen. Don't let yourself get dragged to these kinds of places again.

I had spent some time at clubs and lied about it to my wife. I sat down and told her about it and though I did not tell her all the details when that night, I just asked for forgiveness and later when I started to say something to her about it. She said that she did not need to know all the details.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by howcouldidoit:
<strong>At times my head aches and my stomach churns over what I have done. I have always believed myself to be a good man, yet my actions have shown otherwise.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A man with good character is not determined by PERFECTION, but rather by how he HANDLES his poor choices. A man with character will feel remorse [you do] and face the consequences of his actions head on. He will take steps to make amends.

Making amends in this case means telling your wife the truth and vowing to never do it again.

You also need to find out what happened in your marriage that led you to do this. Some need of yours was not being met and unless you find out what it was, this could happen again.

Why don't you work learning some of the MB techniques here and build a stronger relationship? Then when you know how your W is and you know she is strong enough to handle this info you can tell her.

If she loves you she will have a sense that you are holding something back. To find out years later is hurtful.

There is a large chance that she will find out. You have the opportunity to clean up your act.

L.
ps: All men are not evil. They are often intelligent but sometimes stupid when they try to think with their pants instead of their brains.

You asked the ladies if they would want to know. Speaking only for myself, yes. I believe that complete honesty is the best policy. In time we always find out the truth. I would rather hear it from the horses mouth so to speak. Some say it would hurt your relationship, again only speaking from my own opinion. I feel it would strengthen the relationship. There is something to be said for the person who opens up and confesses with nothing to gain. In my own relationship, at first the information stings a bit or out right hurts. Very soon the pain is followed by a stronger touch. It builds my trust in him. It shows me the loving caring side that I seldom see from him. If you reconize your mistakes/wrong doings then you'll learn from them. Hiding them from your wife you eventually hide them from yourself and that allows you to go a step further next time. You can never say there won't be a next time, unless you deal with it and correct yourself.

I don't feel it will cause a lack of trust from her in your direction. When a man open ups and emotionally shares, it's just a side we women seldom see. It reminds us your human, it reminds us you have feelings to. It shows us you care, that you do love us.

Dealing with guilt on your own could lead you to burying it deep inside. You don't learn from mistakes that you hide from your self. Consider it a cry for help from you to her. If you have to explain it that way to her.

If your relationship is so wonderful then draw from it's strengths. Let her help you deal with this and feel better about yourself.

Just my thougths. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I might be the only female here that would NOT want to be told!!

I would not want that guilt "shared" with me because then he would no longer have it ALL.

Is the guilt more than you alone can bear? Cause if it is, and you want to tell her, then you are simply wanting her to be in just as misery as you are. You realize , of course, that she is gonna take that guilt of yours and make it her own. Did "I" deprive him at home? What have "I" done to make him resort to such an activity? What could "I" have done to make it better for him so that he did not have to seek this elsewhere? Am "I" not pretty enough? Am "I" too fat? Did they give you something that "I" did not? The list would be endless. She is going to start doubting herself as a wife and woman.

Admit it Ladies....this is what happens. When told you would automatically turn it back on yourself. That you must have somewhere been lacking is our way of dealing with it.

As long as you are serious and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will never do it again and are sorry beyond all measure, you should just keep your guilt to yourself. You should be the only one living under that black umbrella, don't force her under there with you.

You need to also forgive yourself. That is the only way that you can truly be happy with your life now. If you can forgive yourself, you will not need to "share" the pain that that one isolated act has caused you. You really need to shoulder all of it because it was YOUR doing, not your wife's. But remember, you must sincerely be sorry and repentent (to yourself) and resolve to NEVER EVER let it happen again.

As always, this is IMHO.

committed

I disagree emphatically. I do not agree that ignorance is bliss - I can't fathom anything more horrible and cruel. I would want to know WHO I am married to and what they are doing so I could decide if i wanted to be married to them. If they hide that from me, I don't know to whom I am married. A secret like this would destroy a marriage because there could never be any emotional intimacy with this secret.

Strong marriages are NOT built on DECEIT but on honesty and trust. Deceit DESTROYS. Honesty HEALS.

Marriage Builders recommends complete honesty for this very reason.

I tend to agree with committed,

This happened several years ago. Why didn't you tell your W immediately? Your attempt to tell her now is only in an effort to relieve yourself of the guilt that you are burdened with.

By telling your W you will be dumping the burden of guilt on her simply to "get it off your chest".

You claim to have a wonderful marriage. Concentrate on what makes it so wonderful and continue doing it. As far as the guilt your bear....suck it up and deal with it!

If this is a burden that may affect your marriage then perhaps some spiritual guidance or "individual" counceling might be helpful. I say (individual) because the problem is Yours not hers. She has not done anything wrong...don't make her feel as though she has.

Here is what Marriage Builders says about it:

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.
But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.
If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.

Melody,

You are very strong in your convictions and I respect that. But I am under the impression that this guy visited a strip club and received a lap dance. Your strong opinions are focusing in on "affair". I am reading his post to mean that he was with a group of men and participated in an activity that would be akin to a bachelor party. I do not consider this to be an "affair". I would consider this to be a very bad choice of entertainment (one that my mate would be persecuted for). He is no longer visiting this type of establishments so I do not know why he would need to subject his wife to the hurt that his confession would infict upon her.

Again, I am merely stating my own opinion as to how I feel about being told of this lapse of judgement.

I apologize if my comments lead to that large climb up on that soap box.

committed

uhhh Melody, ya got a little spittle on the corner of your mouth there....yep, right there.

howcouldidoit,

You will receive a lot of different replies here, which is what you asked for...some a bit more "emphatic" than others. But I do believe every person here is entitled to their own opinion.

Your W has an opinion too. Maybe in some roundabout way you could ask her without letting the skeleton out of the closet. You know her better than anyone.

I do feel that telling her now after so many years is only to relieve yourself of guilt and shame. I feel that is a selfish act. Telling her will get a HUGE load off your chest and you will feel so much better, while your W will have a bomb dropped in her lap that now "she" has to deal with.

I say keep it to yourself and "you" deal with it.

by the way...are you so sure that she doesn't already know?