Hi. I need some advice about something. I have been married 5 1/2 years. We have a 3 year old dtr and currently live with my mom (if that means anything). We are 29/ 31 years old. Anyway..here is the problem. About a month after our dtr was born, I found out that my husband was having an online thing with this girl in Fl. Well, with his Air Nat'l Guard unit, he was getting ready to go to Fl for training just a week later. I confronted him about it, talked to the girl briefly and he promised he would never talk to her again...well, he did..on the phone, just a few days after the promise. He went to Fl, as scheduled, and I basically let it go. The next year, the same thing happened when they were about to go to California, but this time when I talked to the girl ( I find all this out b/c we work together and he was emailing these girls when I happened to walk up)she said that they had only talked once and that nothing had actually gotten started. Once again, he went as scheduled..and I got over it..sort of. Last year, after Sept 11 he was told that he was going to be going to Afghanistan and..do I even have to say this?...it happened again. This time with a girl near our hometown. I found this out the same way and actually went through his stuff and found her name and address. I confronted him about it...he lied..I called her and talked with her for about an hour and asked her different things about what had been going on so far and about what he had told her. Well, she stated that she had been talking to him for about a month and that he told her he was not married and that he wanted to marry her after he got back from over there...just tons of stuff like that. Well, then I confronted him again and he finally told the truth. He also said that he wanted to feel needed and admired and since I have held some resentment towards the military since he joined (I wonder why??) that he did these things for attention. I have to say that this time hurt more than the other times and that I really just wanted to give it all up. While he has never actually had an affair in the normal sense..it still feels the same to me. I also feel the need to mention that our sex life has not been great for maybe two years. We just didn't seem to have the time or desire. It was more like we were friends than a couple.When he came back from overseas (gone 3 months) we went to a Family Life conference and it was great. We felt like a new couple and he has done nothing since then to make me suspicious. But see..he had never done anything before to make me that way...and I should have been because it was going on..and now I can't stop being suspicious for fear that its happening again. I do not trust him, but I love him so much. I don't know what to do. I am constantly thinking that I am not what he wants (though he tells me that I am) and I am always thinking about what he has done before and letting it get me upset again. I feel like I am crazy sometimes for constantly accusing him and being sneaky in trying to check up on him, but I feel like I have been betrayed so many times that I can't let my guard down. He says that he understands that it will take a while to build up trust again and he has been really good about dealing with me when I go into these tizzy fits, but I don't want to live like this a moment longer. It drains all of my energy and makes me so depressed. Please hlp..what can I do to either stop always being suspicious and trust him again or..or I don't know what else. I just feel crazy for being like this. I know they weren't affairs, but they sure felt like it. Can anyone help?

Hi Brownie. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if you love him and want to be married to him. If the answer is yes to both of these then begin your journey.

It's a hard road to repair, that of being betrayed. Wether it be an emotion affair or a physical one, the wombs are still very real and hurt a lot.

Don't lose sight of what your husband is doing to help you along in all this. He is willing to work with you, go to that seminar, and be patient and understanding. These are all good things. Now, have you thought about counseling? It may help. Also, communication between you and your husband is a must. Let him know how you feel. Let him know that although you may not ALWAYS feel this way, you still do at times and you just needed to talk about it.

Discuss between the two of you what it is that makes each of you happy. What are your likes, dislikes, etc. Read the info. on this site, and fill out the worksheets provided. It will give you a foundation and a starting point in building your marriage all the stronger.

Don't, I repeat DON'T push yourself to forget. Forgivness is one thing, forgetting is another. It sounds that you have forgiven him, so hold that and remember the difference. Also, don't try to push yourself to trust him. He seems very understanding at the fact that the trust will take time. Accept that and simply ALLOW it to happen. When my husband and I had a talk about trust one time I told him that I know he doesn't trust me and that it was ok. I then asked him to simply believe in me just a little. It helped a lot. His belief in me, us, himself, and our marriage is a big part of why we are a success 1 yr. later [see my Update post which should be a few posts down].

It's not impossible, and it is well worth it. You have chosen a good, no great place to educate yourself and look for support. You are lucky in that your husband seems very aware of the impact this has had on you and your marriage and is willing to do what is necessary to help repair it.

Don't ignore the bad things, for they will only put a damper on your progress. Yet, be sure not to ignore the good, because they WILL help you keep your head above water when you need it most.

My very best to you, take care. I hope this helps some.

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: brownie1 ]</small>

Thanks so much for the reply, Tutter.
Yes, I love him very much and do want to stay married to him. 90% of the time we get along fine. We still are very much like a 'worry-free' couple (even sex has returned..and he wants to have another child next year), but every now and then (when he goes for his annual training-like this week (in Tn) and next (in NY) or whenever my brain throws it my way, I start to feel so insecure and suspicious. I am happy that he is tryin gand he is being understanding...I just wish I could stop letting it take over my life when I think about it. I get so obsessive and start to play out scenarios in my head that are not even happening. I guess it will take some time to...'forget' or at least not let it get so obsessive.
We talked about counseling right after the conference, but never followed up on it b/c we felt that we could do it for ourselves at the time..and I still think that we can if I could just stop being so crazy and accusatory all the time. I downloaded and printed off all of those questionnaires on this site and hopefully we will do them when he comes home (he will be home for 1 day (Saturday) before he goes off again for the second half of training.) I am hopeful that htings will be fine..I just want it to stop within my heart and mind!!

It will take time. I promise you though, it gets better.

My husband played and replayed those scenarios in his head for months. He too thought it would never go away. Maybe they will never completely go away, but it does get better. My A last over a year. My DH knows this. If he can work through the emotional side of it, so can you. Especially with a supporting husband.

We too look forward to another child. Be certain that you know for sure your marriage is doing well at the time.

Now, start working on those needs you know of. Appreciation, etc. that you mentioned. Make sure you actually tell him things like, thank you for doing such and such, or I appreciate that you did such and such. My husband likes the verbal appreciation as well.

Remember also, little things go a long way. For example, it was usually on Thursday nights that I went out with OM. So, Thursday were exceptionally rough for us. So, one Thursday evening I got a small table out on the upstairs porch. I put a doiley on it with fake flowers and candles (the candle sticks we got for our wedding). I got some wine and glasses and put them out there too. After I put our son to bed I put a slow song on the computer and a nice dress on and called DH upstairs. I asked him to dance with me. We went onto the porch and danced to two songs under the stars and drank a glass of wine together. Mind you, it was end of fall and rather chilly outside, but we never knew the difference.

Plan a nice dinner when he comes home, candle light, his favorate dish, etc. Let him know that you realize his training is tough and that you appreciate it when he comes home, even if it's for only one day. Then when you put your daughter to sleep have some one on one time planned - quality time. Relaxing in eachothers arms outside under the stars for awhile, taking a bubble bath, etc.

I hope this helps. You are doing great. Just remember to ALLOW things to happen with regard to forgetting, trusting, etc. It will, in time. My best to you, take care.

Well,it's official...I am crazy! I just certified myself with what I just did. My H is out of town at annual reserve training. I noticed that he had taken money out of the bank. It listed the address of the atm. Well..here goes the crazy part..I went online and, don't ask how I did it, but I found out that there is a hotel right next to the atm. well, I called the hotel and asked for his room using our last name and his parents last names,etc..but there was no listing. Then I called the cell phone (which he took with him). When he answered, I asked if he was stayin gat that hotel and just went crazy. Then all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of guilt came over me (the atm was at a wal-mart...verified) and I realized that Satan was in hell laughing at me. I had prayed so hard last night and asked God to change my attitude and then Satan got me still this morning. I feel so bad now. I asked my H for forgiveness and told him all that had happened. I feel like its going to be a hard road for me to be able to trust as long as Satan keeps throwing me these loops...... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Brownie - You are not crazy. You are insecure, and rightfully so. I don't think you two have really discussed the affect of this affair at length.

What was your husbands response when you told him how you felt? Here's a thought, maybe you could ask him to call you each night to say good-night. Let him know that him being away is really hard on you right now and that it would help to hear his voice before you go to bed and know he's thinking about you. Then use his efforts to help you ease those evil thoughts.

When you have a bad day or moment, the next time you talk to him simply say "I'm having a bad day." He'll probably ask why and then you can explain to him in a calm manner what you have been feeling and thinking. Chances are he will acknowledge your feelings and say something to help put them to rest.

I would recommend that you two sit down and discuss this. Let him know that although you are trying to move forward with out all this, that it is hard and you need him to be understanding about it. Tell him you also know it's hard on him to and you will be sure to return the favor (understanding) when he needs you to.

I hope this helps. Stop beating yourself up so much. Have you thought of anything good for when he comes home? Take care, and good luck.