Hello. I am sorry you and your family are going through this. I have often wondered how I would react if my DH did this to me. I have told myself that I couldn't really say much because I did it to him, etc., but the pain would still be real, as you are unfortunately learning here.
Yes, it is normal to want to know all the details. We refer to that as wanting all the pieces to the puzzle so that you can see the whole picture and be done with it. It took some time before I could answer many of my husbands questions. Some questions were easier to answer than others. The answers hurt him and his hurt hurt me. However, in the end, it all being said, it helped us to be successful in rebuilding our marriage. I'm still not quite sure how, but I can see the good results of it.
Are you and your wife in counseling? That could be a start. You have to communicate and share. As you have both cheated it may be a little easier to share info. Offer her what you want her to offer you (passwords, calls throughout the day as to whereabouts, I'll be late, etc.) Read the info. here, and possibly ask her to join you at the site. You may both be able to gain a lot. Print off the worksheets and fill them out together. Start working on being better yous and your relationship will flourish from it.
Remember that it will not all just disappear over night. It takes time, and patience. There will be many obstacles in your way at times, but they are not impossible to get around - the key is to do it together. The questions you each need to ask yourselves is do you still love the other and do you still want to be married to the other. If you answer yes to these, then you are at a great starting point. It is a lot of work, and can be very trying at times, but it is well worth it.
I hope this helps. I wish you both the best, and encourage you to keep posting. There are a lot of wonderful people here. Take care.
