My wife and I have a close friend who I personally have been friends with for many years. In many respects he has been as close to a best friend to me as I have known in my life. He sadly is going thru his own D.

He works a couple of states over but we were speaking regularly on the phone, we'd visit etc, and of course email.

Earlier in the year I suggested that he help support my abused WW as I felt safe that he would provide her with care and be a stable male friend to help her. She knew him anyway where was the harm.

Of course that was before I heard the full effect of her A. The problem is they are talking now all the time via cell and text. She says that it's just chitchat and I've tried to show how unhappy I am with it. She says it's cos I don't trust her and am controlling her. She has no idea about how this comes across to me and just highlights how she is not helping us. Its not made any better because of the abuse though. My IC says I should just step back and relax, that she may need the 3rd party.

I however have withdrawn from him, I've told him I'm uncomfortable with it and it reminds me of how the EA started with her A and now I worry that it will start again with him.

What I have said to myself is "Ben just try and relax on it" and I am trying to take the approach that she needs to do whatever she needs to do to get thru the abuse.

Is this sensible? In another thread I say that my ENs aren't being met at all and this plus that mind just mean that my feelings begin to decay over time for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thoughts? Ben Richards
p.s. I thought about leaving a printout of Shattered Vows around?

<small>[ July 17, 2002, 06:14 AM: Message edited by: The Running Man ]</small>

Since this man is your friend, go to him with this dilemna and ask that he withdrawl from this relationship with her. If he's just experienced the pain of divorce, surely he'll want to assist all that he can. The three of you are at very sensitive times of your lives...it's just not wise and it needs to stop now before it goes any further. I'm sure she'd feel the same if the situation was reversed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by The Running Man:
<strong>problem is they are talking now all the time via cell and text. She says that it's just chitchat and I've tried to show how unhappy I am with it. She says it's cos I don't trust her and am controlling her. ?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you don't trust her, she is untrustworthy. Only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy person. Especially when they are doing things to make any trust impossible. You need to explain to her that is damaging your marriage. And I would also talk to him and tell him the same thing in order to get them to stop.

There are much much bigger problems going on here, though. Neither of you are meeting the other's emotional needs. That is why she ignores your requests to stop and why she feels moved to seek support from other men. It doesn't sound like the problems that led to her affair have ever been resolved and are just following a familar pattern.

Thank you for your answers.

I know she is not meeting my needs so I'm assuming that she will not be able to in the short-term future and therefore I am Plan'A'ing just to be safe and supportive of her. I am trying to avoid LB's all the time to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>There are much much bigger problems going on here, though. Neither of you are meeting the other's emotional needs. That is why she ignores your requests to stop and why she feels moved to seek support from other men.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is seeking the support (chitchat) from this one man not any others. I do not know that there is anything more there at all. I am hopeful and am trying to believe that there is not and will not be.

Amhurt - I cannot ask him to withdraw as it comes across that I am trying to control her and who she interacts with. Something that her abusive father also did. I have to tread the fine line between her A and her abuse. The two get clouded together!

Ben Richards

I cannot ask him to withdraw
Yes you can. As Dr Laura would say, "you are more afraid of hurting his/her feelings than saving your marriage."

Never, never, NEVER talk with someone of the opposite sex (except a trained counselor in a professional relationship) about marriage problems.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>Yes you can. As Dr Laura would say, "you are more afraid of hurting his/her feelings than saving your marriage."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot. Because I am more afraid of my abused self-destructive wife hurting herself if she has not got the control over what she does - that's the kicker. Her father took her control at 6 years old. My IC says to step back and believe it's platonic but that's hard. If it's not platonic then I know what to do and that'll be divorce.

If it is platonic then I have to just push through and maybe in time when she's able to cope discuss this issue at a later time. I'm trying to juggle the Rule of Protection here.

Ben Richards.

Ben,
So she has become her father...the controller.
No 6 year old should be in control of her own life. Was she a strong willed child or is it must deeper than that?

If you saw your wife's car stalled on the railroad tracks with a train barrelling down the tracks, would you not do anything to save her for fear that she would feel controlled? Would you just hope that the train will not hit her?

Can you ask your counselor to ask her or this friend to not continue these "chit-chats?" If he is your friend will he not see the danger? Has she changed one addiction for another?

Amhurt, sorry may not have been specific. When I meant her father took her control that was abuse speak. Her family abused her from 6 to early teens.

She is very fragile right now suffering from her own view that she has no selfworth, no self esteem and no control over her life. She says that the A was a destructive attempt to get away from the abuse - an escape for a bit from the images - to become another person and personality. I find this hard and confusing but it is backed up by what my IC says.

Right now there is no EA with the other man, there may never be. I am worried that it will start. I will try and find a sensitive means to bring this up without trying to say I am controlling her.

Ben Richards