I have been using this site and all of its resources for almost three months. I have learned so much from everyone here and I have been able to survive to the next phase. I am a very pasive mild tempered BS, and have had great success with Plan A. My WW has professed and has demonstrated that the A is over. She still seems to be in withdrawal.

A few nights ago, I was able to sit through the first love movie since D-day. I was very uncomfortable watching the love story. I fought the tears next to my WW the entire time. I could hardly bare the thought of two people falling in love. I feel very strange.

HERE IS THE BIG PROBLEM <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> :
I have very few feelings for her anymore.

What do I do? I am so scared and sad of how I am feeling and I have no one to share this with except all of you at this forum. Do you think the feelings of love will come back?

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

I know exactly how you feel....

I read something in the book After the Affair... it said that this is a highly emotional time and that if you don't feel love, to remove yourself a step, and see if you want to rebuild. It's okay to be ambivalent about committing to rebuilding. It also suggested that even if you don't feel it, to act through the motions until such time as the feelings return or you end it.

Now, this feels sort of like living a lie to me... "Why," I wonder, "should I show love when I don't feel it?" - and believe me I don't. I don't even know what it is anymore. The only answers that I have right now are:
- it's the right thing to do while trying to rebuild
- it builds character
- it will encourage loving behavior on her part
- it prepares me for whatever the next steps might be or become.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Lyxa.

I was beginning to feel alone at MB with my feelings.

I guess love is about a leap of faith somewhere down the line, but I just do not want to go SPLAT again. I think this may be the reason why I do not want to try anymore. I do not want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed on the rocks below.

How long have you felt this way, and do you know how long this will last?

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

Chameleon, can't comment on how long it will last. But I do know it is very unwise to make any major life changing decisions in this emotionally charged state.

You need to take time out and look after yourself and get stable before you should consider the longterm imho.

Sending you a hug, you are not alone here.

Take care, Ben Richards

Hi,
You can love again if you let down the walls and allow yourself to do so.

My H & I reconciled for the 7th time in 5/00 after 2+ very bad years, he had a long EA/PA with a co-worker, I did an 18 month Plan A, in the 7th separation I served D papers, was completely worn out, thought I probably didn't love him anymore--why would I? Began moving on with my life.

He had a complete change of heart. I didn't even want to hear about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> much less try again.

About 3 months later, when he had done his own Plan A to me, and done it very well, I decided that under those circumstances, I would regret now giving him a last chance.

It was scary. There was no promise, vow, reassuring words he could use that he hadn't used and broken during the 7 separations. But, he came home every night, was there in the morning...I did some pushing & lbing (not recommending it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), not intentionally testing, but that is what I was doing. We had a great counselor (my IC, then MC, for over a year at reconciliation, continued seeing him for almost another year.)

6 months, things were better. I knew I loved him.

1 year, again, better, he had behaved trustworthily and trust was beginning to build.

Now 2+ years, I love him so much. He's my guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , he's my partner, my lover, my husband. We're in love and very caring about each other. And, my teenage daughters have their dad living with them, and I'm very grateful for that as well.

So, really all I did was give my H a chance, being the best W I could be under the circumstances, though very difficult at times.

I have no regrets in giving my H & marriage the most I had to give. Even if it fell apart tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets, because this has been the right thing for me to do.

I'm happy.

The Running Man,

Thanks. I always try to give it a few days before I make a decision. I am not in any way reactive. I guess I should just be myself and not jump to any decisions here, even though I am thinking about it.

-------------------

Lor,
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for your story. I guess there is a chance I can get those feelings back. Truthfully, I do not have much faith my WW will try to work on us once I. Maybe she will come to the Relationship Rescue.

Thanks for you support. It means much more to me than words can describe.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

chameleon, You are not alone in these feelings. I have used up so much energy in my Plan A just to keep my WW from Bolting out of fear, and what I have left is a non intimate roommate type of M. Try to focus on why you fell in love with her and how that made you feel. Faking it, like ha=s been suggested is not a bad idea, because I am sure you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, so if nothing else comes from this at least you have learned how to love and express love. If you WW is trying , believe me, count your blessing. You could be in a situation with someone who doesn't show you anything. I can't even get a straight answer anymore. Try, but try for you, you deserve to feel better about you. Then you can decide about staying.

Chameleon......
You say your wife is in withdrawal and if she is she won't be able to meet all of your needs, if any.
My H when he was in the midst of full on withdrawal was just one big dead head.
This put me in a state of total confusion and my emotions,thoughts and feelings were like a yo-yo. I chose to just remove myself from the situation and continue life basiclly alone, left him to work it out.
Keeping busy and doing my own soul searching was
a saviour.
It is not a good idea to make any decisions at the moment and although you feel you are living a lie, maybe look at it as putting your feelings aside. Feelings do change and you probably need time and space to heal a bit yourself to allow the change.
I know it is tough and I think it is bad before it gets better. The roller-coaster ride feels like it will never end and you just want to get off. But if you hang on tight you can ride it out.
All the best !!!!!!

I feel a little better today. Maybe there is little bit of caring and feeling left in me after all. I made dinner for her last night and that felt good. I guess the doing part is a big necessity for getting the feelings back. I think we also need to spend some time together. This backing off thing while she is going through withdrawal stinks!!! Additionally, we are both extremely busy at work and have very little time for each other. This is, fortunately, a temporary thing. It is good for her because it helps her to keep her mind off the OM (I think).
-----------------
Mark H,
Sorry about your situation. How are things going for you now? Any progress? You have helped me out quite a bit in the past, and I appreciate it. I have been forced into being a chameleon and I wish I could say more.

We had one big blow up once that seem to turn things around. She initially was not trying at all. She found out how I was feeling (did not actually intend to tell her) that I was not going to stay in a marriage where we were not working on both of us, that I was doing all the trying and she was doing nothing, etc. "Shot the elephant" I guess you can say. Kind of indirectly, kinda like someone dropping a gun in the woods, the gun misfires, and an elephant drops. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL Since then she has been trying.

About your W:
Have you talked to her about how you feel? Does she require validation of herself for intimacy to occur? (most people are like this) Maybe she is not talking to you because you are not providing the environment she needs to unload her feelings on you. Just a thought.
-------------------
daisychic,
You are right. She is not filling all my needs for many reasons including how busy she is at work (man is she ever stressed now!!). Unfortunately, I do not care for her to fill my needs now. I feel real sorry for my WW and her workload. It is so difficult to work as much as she does and take care of children and the normal house stuff, let alone have any time for us. I have been helping out more and she is appreciative.

I guess I do need time to heal. I am just hoping that I can have feelings for her once the healing is over.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:09 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

chameleon, Thank You for asking. I am doing OK today, but Inside my head I want to scream about every 15 minutes. I can deal with this for now. How did you get your W to find out what you were feeling ? Maybe I can do the same thing. I have tried to give her as safe a haven as humanly possible, so I don't think it's that. I know she is a conflict avoider, and she doesn't seem to try to change. She will never bring up anything.I always have to address anything and everything, and I don't want to sound like a broken record. She still gets defensive at times. ( apologized for that the last time she did it). I think my WW is just riding the wave so to speak and hoping that something will happen. I really do think at times she wants me to put an end to it, but other times I think she is just afraid to try. Can't understand why it's so hard for her to be honest about things, I mean what difference does it make at this point. I would welcome her unloading her feeling on me, but, judging by how hot it is, I doubt hell is freezing over anytime soon. I glad to hear your feeling better, Hang in there and know that we at MB all share and understand your situation.

Mark H,

I told her about this MB and what my screen name was. (Hence my current name) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Intimacy (sharing of ones feelings-not to be confused with sex) is an earned right in most everyone's mind. She does not share or tell all because she does not feel you have earned the right or she feels guilty for how she feels because she probably is aware that your feelings will be hurt. In any case intimacy is hard work. Most people require positive feedback (validation) when they share feelings. Good intimacy is "SELF VALIDATING" not expecting a positive or validating response. This requires quite a bit of differentiation or (self awarness-and the ability to hold onto oneself as you become emotionally attached to someone). Read "Passionate Marriage" to learn about this and begin to apply the principals to improve yourself. I do not share my feelings because I am afraid of the response. I am afraid that she will not validate how I feel and I will then feel guilty for how I feel and try to change how I feel. I am still working on this (as you can see from my name). Part of the reason why I do not share is also a feeling that she has not earned the right to hear my feelings. I know this is really unfair because of how intimate she has been with me, but I can not help from feeling this way.

Remember that you can share your feelings without LB'ing and NEVER NEVER feel like you have to apologize for how you feel. Just remember not to continue to share with her the same feelings over and over and over again daily. Try once or twice a month as an update or when your feelings change. Easier said then done of course.

I do understand your point on intimacy. I can tell you that I have never been knowingly judgmental of anything she has ever told me, before or after the A ( with the exception of D Day). My reaction then was not that overwhelming, but I did go into a No Contact speech without even knowing what I was doing. Her Mother tells me that she has always been one to want to sweep her mistakes under the rug, and I know that is part of this but I did tell her that I wanted to hear whatever she had to say and that I would not judge it, that I would accept it for what it was, her feelings. I don't know what else to do. I feel that all I ever do is try to draw things out of her and I am not sure she wants that. I just want to settle this one way or another, so that we both can begin to find happiness again.

Start out by making a list of questions you need to know to put closure to all of this. Make the list and keep it in a safe hiding place. You want to get all of these answered before you get too far into recovery otherwise it will appear like you are dredging up the past (major LB). Make this a requirement of your wife to answer these so that you can have closure. Explain to her how important it is for you to know these things.

Now about her feelings, this one is terribly difficult. Remember that it is never good to bring up the OM and the A unless she brings it up first or unless you are ready to shoot an elephant. You should not shoot many elephants or very often. When she brings it up, preface your question about your feelings by making her feel secure about herself with you, like telling her how much you love her, why you love her, that you want to work things out etc. Then pop the big question about her feelings. See if this works next time she brings up the OM or A.

Just my thoughts, this is how I got my wife to start talking about her feelings and all about the A, anything I wanted to know including sex stuff (YUK!!!). Knowing everything that I know gives me closure to the past and helped me to forgive.

Thanks for the advise. When I write out the list and hide it, is that so she won't stumble across it ? Do I shoot all of these questions at one time or do I just give her the list of questions and ask her to let me know the answers when she can ? On the other note, I have forgiven the A, that is not my concern and I don't want to rehash the past. I want to move forward and the only questions I have are all about where we are going from here and how we can solve the problems that led to her feeling the need for the A. I must add that because she will not talk about this my natural instincts are to think that she hasn't resolved her feeling for OM, and if that's the case we can work through that too, but she lied to me about the extent of her feelings to begin with and I only know this through snooping. I am at a loss for what to do. How do you deal with someone who seem to wnat to remain in limbo ?

I think you want to hide it from her so that you can pull it out when you want to add questions to the list. You may want her to find this, but timing is critical here. You do not want to give her these questions when she is in a bad mood and not receptive. Wait till she starts to be receptive to you and then get the questions to ask her. I did this all the day after D-day when the A was still extremely strong.

Her answering or not answering the questions has nothing to do with her feelings for OM, but all about her security with you and with the knowledge she will share with you. I wrote down a list of about 15 really deep feeling questions like: Why? Was it me? Was I mean to you? What qualities did you see in the OM? What did I do wrong? How do you feel about us? Do you have hope about us?

I do not think she is in limbo or on the fence or in a fog. These words to describe what our WW's are going through are too simplified. She knows what she is doing. If she had a PA with the OM, more than likely you are dealing with a BIG problem. Almost all women will not have sex with a man unless they are totally comitted to the man heart, body, mind, and soul. She may be having trouble with this. Does she cry with you after SF or does she not have SF with you? These are tell tail signs of this ongoing issue. You need to take grasp and ownership of the fact that your WW may not be yours for the taking. She may be masking her feelings to protect your feelings. Show her that you really will love her unconditionally and she will open up to you. I would love to say more, but I have got to go. Keep in touch.

You know...I got this straaange familiar feeling from you Chameleon...and with the name I just had an even bigger feeling that I know who you might be! I could be wrong (NOOOO that would NEVER happen!!).

Anyway..don't worry about the lack of love or desire to put forth anything in to recovery right now. Give it some time. Take a BREAK! Sometimes things just need to cool off for a while.

It was a very significant and painful thing for me when hubby took his ring off. It happend twice, actually. But it's on today and there to stay. And I'm SURE he didn't believe we'd make it here any more than I did. So just hang in there...and give it some time.

Hey Hope,

GOOD GUESS!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Go with your gut feeling on this one. I tried to hint a little. Not able to say much more.

I hope the feelings come back. I am working on trying to remember how wonderful we were and hold on to that for now. That helps a bit, but nothing would help better than if my WW started taking interest in filling my EN's.

She has probably a month or so more of this withdrawal stuff. I know I need to keep my eyes on the road ahead, but it just is so difficult when you are as needy as I am.

Thanks again hope. I knew you would guess right. After all, like you said, you are always right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

The problem represented by you seems so
timely as to what I've been thinking about. I am currently in my 4th month of Plan B. Neither my spouse - who is also a conflict avoider - nor I have filed for divorce. Being that he is a conflict avoider, I don't think he'll take the steps necessary to file unless pushed by an external force ... i.e. OW.

I am very proactive, and I believe in using other people's experiences to help me along in my own situation. I think I'm at a phase where I'm ready to throw in the towel - and why - because of the fact that I no longer believe that I want to put in the effort to meet his ENs, nor that I can trust him to put ANY effort into meeting mine if he did come back. It comes down to believability...a conflict avoider runs away from unhappiness...this is different than running to happiness.

So, why haven't I done anything proactive? 1. S. Harley says that by being in this "holding" pattern I am being proactive. 2. my son. He is my joy and he loves his father.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I'm ever in the situation that you are in, with my spouse in withdrawl and I'm miserable asking myself "why put in the effort? ...is it worth it?" All I'd have to do is look at my son and hang in there for another day...and maybe even be thankful for the opportunity.

I pray for you and your wife to have the strength to allow yourselves to fall in love with eachother.

Lo

Thanks Local,

Unfortunately, I hate holding patterns. I feel weak when I have no power to do anything, so I tend to do something just to get the ball rolling whatever direction it may be.

I have decided to look for a marriage counseler. My WW has expressed interest in this and for my comitment to the marriage, I must do this. Unfortunately, it is not because of feelings but just comitment. This will be my project next week, to secure a MC and make an appoitment.

Any ideas on good ways to find one of these? Maybe I should start a post on this.

Chameleon,

I think you know why when one marries that they vow and "commit" to one another. Sometimes the love does go away, and the only thing that sustains is the commitment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are doing better than you think. I think the MC idea is a good one.

Hang in there and God Bless,

JL