It's been awhile since my W "strayed." I didn't discover the MB site until much later.

Before I became a regular visitor, I thought my reactions to my W's A were unique. For example, I thought the obsessive images I endured might have been because I was some kind of deviant voyeur.

I now know others have the exact same reactions. In fact, there is an unbelievable commonality of our individual experiences.

My question is this: How representative do you think the MB visitors are of those who have suffered the devastation of an A?

I can imagine some people might reflexively enter long-term denial. Or, some have the ability to purge bad events and memories from their minds (my W certainly does!). Obviously, such people would not be regulars at the MB site.

Your ideas?

Hi ?Mark,

Just knowing that I wasn't the only person in the world that had been through all of "this" was so comforting for me.

Everything that I've read (SAA, Torn Asunder, and the MB web site) is pretty consistant as to the "typical" ways that the BS & WS feel/react... I know that I've gone through the same emotions that just about every BS here has mentioned so yes, I'd have to say that the people that post here are very typical of people that go through an affair...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

The people that come to the MB site are ABOVE AVERAGE. What I mean by that is those that come here are LOOKING for help or support and are much better off than those who do nothing but react and divorce. Most of the people that use the MB have identified that the A is a symptom of marrital problems and try to work on improving themselves in hopes of saving their marriage.

With that said, I feel that their is a great range of feeling here at this forum, but there are overwhelming similiarities. I too am absolutely haunted by perverted images of OM and WW. Even sleep does not escape the images. The only thing that helps me mask these images is because I look at our marriage as being temporarily suspended in time. She may have betrayed her vows by giving herself to another, but we both betrayed our vows prior to the A. We failed by letting the pressures of life and kids push into our relationship and stopped intimately discussing our feelings about each other. We stopped being married long before the A and my WW was just the first one that jumped ship.

I agree with your thoughts on the users of MB. Most, if not all, of us (and I am speaking for many here-sorry)have faced our demons and dealt with them. Frequenting this site and posting your feelings forces you to deal with the issues at hand. However, it can lead to obsesive disorder. I agree with Dr. Phil on oprah when he says that in circumstances similiar to the A people chose to fight or flight. We here at MB are fighters.

I am new and here because of what happened. I have friends who did nothing and now have many regrets and "what ifs". I am determined to do everything I can before I move on.

I like to think therefore that I am above average yes.

What's the natural reaction if you are betrayed? It's probably screaming, shouting, hitting and then slamming the door loudly & leave.

Well, I get the impression that the average MB forum user isn't doing that, but trying to work and resolve the conflict, one way or another. In this sense, no, we are atypical, we are BETTER.

I told only to one close friend what is really going on in my marriage. He was simply amazed by how I'm handling it... he said he couldn't (but then, it's one of these things where you dont know how to react unless you are faced with it). That was a good boost.

QM, like you didn't discover this site until it was too late. My H confessed in March 02, and I discovered it just a week or so before that... when I was fretting and worrying. We're now separated. I didn't begin to post until much later, and don't post frequently--very busy life and was afraid that posting would become an obsession! Slowly learning it is not. Good way to vent.

Your reactions are normal... had the same kind. I would just fall asleep and then wake up startled and stay awake for hours. I was a zombie for a month or so afterwards... kind of like some sort of post traumatic stress affect.

I now know others have the exact same reactions. In fact, there is an unbelievable commonality of our individual experiences.

I think though what makes each of our situations unique is how we handle them. I wasn't smart enough or aware enough to be able to find places like this and didn't get therapy quick enough. My biggest concern other than getting sleep after our separation was finances. My H was never the world's best bookkeeper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but we dealt with it for years the way he did it. Came to realize after he left how screwed up things were. So, I focused on fixing that so I could feed the kids and keep the house!! I grew up in a poor family, and had a comfortable middle class lifestyle with the man... so I got really scared. So, of course fixing the finances as best I could made him madder. Made us fight very often and very hard in this separation.

I think from my limited MB experience that we are all above average... well, at least you guys are! Many of you found this site and began to practice it principles very quickly. I didn't, but it's helping very slowly. I think there is a sense of community here that seems to help, but what's good about it is that while we can vent, it's not a "bash your spouse and things get better" forum. It presents realistic info and practical advice. That's why I think visitors here are above average. There's a way to keep up a momentum with putting practice into action.

Long-term denial... yes!! I was probably in some denial BEFORE my H confessed affair. I was anxious, nervous and depressed for about six months before his confession, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. His attitude, behavior, and outlook on life was a negative 180 turnaround. That got to me because I'm a fairly positive person. So, I tried to blame myself thinking I screwed up the M. Learning slowly that it's not so... we both contributed to the situation at hand. After confession, I asked for 30 days before he left. I used those days unwisely, and now I am sorry. I put together a separation agreement, cried, avoided coming home exccept to see our kids and do basic things like laundry. I should have sucked up the truth then, used this site and the Divorce Busting site, and have seen a therapist immediately. Denial is an ugly thing, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I thought I could scare the beejesus out of him and make him stay by somehow showing him through a separation agreement how screwed up our finances were, and it only reinforced his will to leave for the OW.

A final thought, my perspective only, is the one reason I think folks here are above average is that at least everyone is wanting to learn from their own personal situations and find new ways of coping, dealing with M problems.

I believe all of those feelings and reactions are entirely typical of a BS.

In my case, long before I found MB, but as soon as I started reading books about affairs, that was PRECISELY what struck me the most and made me feel better about myself and my feelings; that pretty much EVERYONE who is affected by an A feels the same.

That gave me the needed strength to not chuck it all and to continue seeking understanding and help.