Well here I go again!
After my 2nd counselling with Steve Harley I have been facing a few home truths...Maybe I am being hard on myself but I don't think so..Steve said at the moment I have 2 remain in a holding pattern & by plan Aing H his feelings for me will change. But this week I have just felt soooooo awful & wish I could share this with my H who of course wouldn't want to hear a bar of it..

But anyway Steve had me fill out the LB questonaire as tho I was H & it revealed some very interesting facts to me ABOUT MYSELF & what I have done to contribute to this awful mess. I am writing this here because I can't tell H unless Steve says it's OK & if I have to be in a holding pattern then thats right where i shall remain. i won't be contacting Steve again until I have something concrete to work with him on.
Anyway I discovered that I (because I am from overseas) gave far too much of my time to my family in the UK going over there every couple of years or when there was a family catastrophe (H & I never went anywhere together, probably because of the money I spent over there) When H needed me I was fleeting off to my family, why did i do this? because i felt terribly guilty that at the age of 16 H & I ran away together this upset my mother a lot & she was Ill at the time the police were called in & all the rest of the drama that goes with that stuff.........

When things got bad in our marriage & because I am a talker instead of discussing this with H I went & discussed it with our friends & relations H must have felt terribly betrayed by all of this but I just couldn't seem to talk to him I felt that I was being wronged,H said you will never get the chance to hurt me again & I went nuts at him because he wouldnt tell me how I had hurt him but now I can clearly see why, It has just hit me smack in the face this week.

H now tells me that he has had 2 yrs 2 get used to the idea that we are no longer going to be together & that I will probably need the same, B4 I left this district H said I hope you aren't going to come back here expecting 4 us to get back together cause it will never happen! it's over we have both done things wrong but we just can't live together I can't promise that I will never have another A.

I once told H that I used to idolise him b4 his affair 12yrs ago but that now I don't but I have also realised this week that I still do...they say love is blind how true!!

I felt that just B4 H & I seperated that he was using me 4 sex now I don't think he was I think that he was just lost, he kept saying this is sooo sad& I just kept getting all angry & hurt when he said that because all i could think was well if it's so bloody sad then why don't we fix it!

We (I thought) had a fantastic marriage & were the envy of a lot of people, how things can change & you don't even realise it's happenin!
H said that he used to be so in love with me & Steve Harley says that if I can plan A H feelings for me will change but why can't I see that how can they change when I couldn't see what I was doing to have a hand in all this & if I can't tell H how will he ever know.
Anyway guys thanx for listening to me rambling on I just feel that for the most part I am now getting what i deserve. 2morrow night I am going out to the bar & I am sure that H will be there Steve Harley said when i see him I should tell him that I am finding things pretty tough at the moment because I miss him because he needs to feel admired but i can hardly say that in the bar now can i?? When i say it i am 2 immediately change the subject not give him a chance to answer.

I know i am getting impatient & I know these things can't be said in an email or i will just get the reply "get over it, I am moving on & you should too" Oh well I better get going...Thanzx in anticipation of any replies!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Havent read this yet, wanted to see if youre there right now???

You there???

Dancer

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I reakon you may be in bed by now - its 8.45 here, probably 2-3 hours behind you over there. So I guess you wont see this till tomorrow.

Hey, go easy on yourself. You are NOT getting "what you deserve". I dont deserve to go to heaven, but God still stood and watched his own son be murdered because of me.

I feel funny replying to you now - I just realised you have a son nearly my age, and your youngest is my H's age. But I guess its difficult to feel how old a person is on here.

Oh, I wish you were up.
Hang in there. Ive been feeling pretty down the past 2 weeks too, but Im hanging on tight to the ride Im on, you hang on too, and stop beating yourself up, your H does enough of that without you having to help. I hope others reply with wisdom soon.

Take care, sleep well - how hard that is!!!

Dancer

Hey Dancer! thanx for ya reply! It's hard when you suddenly get hit in the face with the realisation of your own contributions to things & thats what hapened I had spent months LB H asking how have I hurt you? I don't understand what you mean? only to have him ignore my questions or tell me i wil never get the chance to hurt him again & this week after reading through the LB questionaire & Lb book some things just came right out & smacked me in the face I just was shocked & couldn't believe it.
Yip I'm a lot older than you & deffinately not wiser! We have 2 great boys! I am kinda hopin that if this has now turned into an A that our kids (OW as well) will give them a bit of agro & something to upset their happy little apple cart a little bit of NORMAL LIFE for them hey! I think they call it reality! ok catchya later! Will let ya know how I get on at the bar!

I guess one of the questions I have is do I let H know that I have come to the realisation that I also need to make changes because I think that he feels that I was expecting changes just from him?? Or then again is this relationship talk that I should steer well clear of I don't want to LB & take backwards steps & I only get the chance to talk with H ocasionally??
any thoughts on this???

What are you doing hangin out in bars? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Perhaps you may be able to communicate that you realise your weaknesses and that you want to try harder by your actions - they speak louder than words apparently - become more cherishable and loving around him, and indeed anywhere. Take small steps, choose what youre going to work on one at a time or ot may be too overwhelming or halfhearted.

Dancer

Well guys I DID IT! I walked up to H when he was standing alone in the bar & I said hey you look really good with great enthuseasm (cant spell that) how's it going? H said really? (or something to that effect, can't really remember but i could tell he was suprised, he did look good too) H sais he was keeping really busy so I said well i am having a bit of a tough time at the moment! because i miss you!H screwewd up his face, looked like it made him feel really uncomfortable, he didn't get a chance to say anything because I straight away launched a new conversation about his business & some people that had asked me about it & said he may like to contact them,anyway then i just said I reckon your business is going to go great! H said well I hope so because I haven't been making much lately then I just said OK catchya later & walked away. hope I did OK, after that H spent some time standing with his back to me in the bar & after a while i thought that he had gone but he hadn't then he stood at a table opposite me facing my way I could see that he was glimpsing my way from time to time but I didn't make anything of it just continued laughing & joking with my friends. Then when I decided to go home I just got up & left. Anyway I now feel much better that I have managed to get out what Steve advised me & will just leave it at that for now, I won't contact him unless there is a need to which is very unlikely.

DANCER!!!
Hey thanx for your reply...
In answer to your question "why do I hang out in bars?"
Well this is a very small community & there is a local bar (the reason I call it a bar is because thats what they call them in the states, but we call it a hotel) anytime there is anything special on everyone here goes & has a great nite out, it's the only place to go out so you make the most of it when it happens, i don't go out very often but if i wanted to it is a safe place for me to go on my own & I always know that there will be someone for me to talk to, hope ya didn't think i was going out to pick up a man... never in a million years I'm a married gal ya know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Great to hear it went well - you just gotta keep it up and be patient (yeah, like I can talk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Keep us posted.

Dancer