Well, as you guys know, I'm in Plan B, and it is so much better for me than A. No more worries about where WH is, when he'll be home, etc.
UNTIL.....I decide to snoop again. I think I had myself convinced that the A had already died a natural death, but apparently not. Last night when I checked my email, i thought, what the heck, I'll just check WH's while I'm here (it's so easy and WH hasn't changed his password). I found a CHRISTIAN message OW sent to my WH with a note, "I love you" at the top. ARGHH!!! I suspect she may have sent this on purpose since she and WH both know I occasionally check his email. Now that we're really separated, it's like she's rubbing it in.
ANYHOW...in my Plan B letter, i didn't really mention the OW, just the fact that WH obviously didn't want to work on the marriage. I have read that some BS's send a copy of the Plan B letter to the OP, along with a short note. Should I do this? And do you think I should let WH know that I know? He told me that he wasn't seeing OW anymore, and I know he thinks that I believe that!
THANKS so much for listening. Wow, I feel better already.
KK

I wouldn't - screw the OW. It's between your H and you. It's up to him to come back to you (or chose OW). Besides, I wouldnt share something really deep and personal like a plan B letter with a third person. next thing you'll know is that all your friends and work colleagues get mailed a copy!

Thanks Nick,
I was thinking that I just wanted her to know that I still want him back. There's no telling what kind of lies WH has told her, about how I kicked him out and told him I never wanted to see his face again (just speculating, i didn't do those things). I would want her to know that I have 3 kids who want their dad back too.
Know what I mean?
KK

Your title says it all.

I think you know what you should do.

My WH saw a letter that OM gave his WW and I think they both talked about it and became even closer allies. Im not sure Id want my feelings thrown out B4 her either. They may mock it.

It could be seen as a LB. You sposed to be doing that in PlanB?

So, how does one check anothers emails? Is it that easy? Im a bit worried that it is.

Hope youre feeling better.

Dancer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just because OW is sending an email with "I love you" at the top, does not mean that the A is not over. Maybe she does not want to let WH go.

Try not to jump to conclusions until you have hard evidence. Any emails to her in the sent box?

Has he shown any signs of wanting to work on the marriage? How long have you been in Plan B? Has it been easy to not contact him?

Hi Chameleon,
I've been in Plan B for only a week and a half, and so far it is easy to have no contact. I don't call him, he doesn't call me. It's a lot easier on me than Plan A, because now I feel myself distancing from him, so it will be okay whichever way it works out.
No, I don't have any hard evidence. WH is living with his parents right now, and he's gone a LOT.
So, just speculating, but no, he shows no signs of wanting to work on the relationship.
It's very early in Plan B, though. I'm going to try to give it a year and see what happens.
We have 3 kids, and he hasn't even called them.

Dancer, I can check his email easily because he used the same password for everything, and he forgot to change his email password, I guess. He changed all the others. You're right, of course, that I shouldn't LB in plan B, it's just so tempting, though.
I'm feeling a little better, thanks.
KK

bumping

KK; did you run that Plan B letter by the forum before you sent it?

The reason I ask is because according to Harley, a Plan B letter should mention the OP "until you end all contact with the OP....then I will discuss our future together", AND he also says that a copy of the letter should be sent to the OP stating that you love your WS and will wait for WS to return to you.

That being said, since you already sent it and did not do those things, I'm not sure it's the best thing to send another one. But I'm curious; what conditions did you set for discussing your future together? that he be ready to "work on the M"? was there more?

Good point Spacecase. Do you have a copy of the Plan B letter to post. It will help us give some better advice about this. What are your conditions for taking him back? At least define them for yourself, but he should know too. If you have a checklist like this handy, you can keep yourself from letting the very emotional feelings sway your decision to take him back and you will not get stuck in a dead end R. Just my HO.

KK
LET IT GO Concentrate on YOU

Plan B is NOT to educate the WH according to Steve Harley in my recent session with him.

For me it's easier to assume that WH is not telling the truth (As a suggestion from BrambleRose) Until his actions match his words and he is doing the things needed to recover...

If they are emailing they are still in some sort of contact. When I get tempted to snoop I say to myself - what does it really matter? I already know all I need right now.

KK, hang in there, go to Alanon ( I've started going and it is helping a lot. There is a book How Alanon works & it has all kinds of stories in there as well as how the program works, and so much more.)And Pray.

God Bless,

D

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

I always stand alone on this. But I feel we have a responsibilty to say something to OP. I also feel there is healing in it. I think a letter is best and you should spend some time thinking of what to say. Say it as brief as possible (cause they will get board and stop reading). And expect NOTHING in return. That this should be ONLY communicated one time, otherwise it is an obsession or manipulation or controlling.

Anyway, here is what I emailed to OW after my H sent his "no contact" to her and cc: all our friends and family:
OW,
H sent you an email that said he has hurt some
people by continuing an inappropriate relationship
with you. H is a grown man and he is responsible
for his own actions but you did play a part in it. My God says to love you and bless you and pray for you. Although I am mad at you I will pray you will never have to go through the pain and heartbreak that my family is experiencing now. I did feel like I had a responsibility to share my heart because me and my kids are real people with real feelings and real hurt.

I LuvNprotect ME

Here is a portion of an article I ALWAYS post that I think supports this which can be found here:

Boundaries Cloude and Townsend

Limiting Evil

One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.

He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and &#8220;bind&#8221; evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not &#8220;cling&#8221; to him.

In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get &#8220;caught up,&#8221; by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)

God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:

Truth and Commands
Confrontation
Rebuke
Exhortation
Forgiveness
Group Intervention
Consequences
Discipline
Restoration
Limit Setting
Separation

These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. As has been the story since the garden of Eden, the mess is largely of our own making. If we would use our self-control to do these things, then we would not have the messes in various aspects of life in which we find ourselves. We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.
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I also don't think there is anything wrong with snooping. It is a reminder to where your marriage is and keeps your reality in check so you don't start having goofy daydreams about your knight-n-shining armor coming back. I think we need to be realistic and know that there are no guarantees. You can do Plan A and Plan B EXACTLY how Steve says but your not guaranteed your marriage back. You can do it EXACTLY the way someone else in recovery does it and not guaranteed your marriage back or you can do it EXACTLY the way someone who ended up divorce did it yet it worked for you guys. There are no majic formulas.

I think whatever you said in that Plan B letter is enough. The fact that there is an OW - is the part where you said "he is not willing to work on the marriage". You don't have to draw him a picture and spell it out for him. He knows there is an OW. You will ALWAYS come up with new things to say. Your Plan B letter signifies no more (unless absolutely necessary) contact with WS and you will constantly be getting pulled back in to it. It doesn't matter that you know. IF the subject comes up the next time you are in contact you can tell him you know. Don't argue about it. Just say "i'm not trying to find out IF it is going on, I already know it is". I think we have a responsibility to speak the truth into their fog and just let them know we are not stupid.

My plan B letter is still posted on Plan A/B forum. I went ahead with the Plan B even though I did not have solid proof about continued contact with Ow. The reason is because he just absolutely was not interested in working on our marriage. He was back and forth, back and forth.
I just wasn't going to continue that any longer.
Please read my Plan B letter, and tell me if I need to send him another one.
Love you guys!
KK

kk2002 Plan B letter

It's perfect and sufficient!

KK,

Plan B letter sounds good- nothing else needed.

Thanks ILuvNprotectMe for providing the link. I still don't know how to do that !!!

God Bless,

D.

Thank you everyone! Having this message board to communicate with others is such a blessing! It hurts to know the one you committed your life to is still doing these things time after time. I do believe that one day he will come out of it, hopefully I will still be ready for him. Right now, it's about me and my 3 awesome kids. Tonight my 10 year old cried for a solid hour about how awful her life was. About how her dad was gone, that he's never coming home, and she hasn't seen him in a month. THIS is the hardest part of Plan B. Not only does the BS not hear from the WS, but neither do the kids, or at least in my case. God, it's hard to believe he just doesn't ever think of us.....
I know that the Lord works all things together for good.....it's just sometimes hard to see.
Love to you all.
KK

KK

I said I wouldnt like OW to see my plan B letter, but I did send her a letter of forgiveness and to let her know where I stand in wanting my marriage to work - that is definately important. I understand the Harley principles in giving OP a copy, but not sure I would do it. I believe shes been told how I feel and at this stage Im leaving it there - Im not in Plan B anyway.

Dancer

Dancer,
At this point, while they're seeing each other still, I'm not sure what type of letter I'd send. I guess I can't send a forgiveness letter yet, since they're still involved. I would like for her to know that I am still standing for my marriage, I am strong, and I know that at some point their relationship will crater, since it is built on lies and deception anyway.
Any suggestions?
KK

Hmmm.......

My forgiveness letter was for the original A, but has carried on since, of which I cant find the grace in me to forgive as its still there, so I understand what youre saying.

Give it some more time. Write down a couple of letters and sit on them for a while, deciding whether or not you want either of them to hear them. Youre in a tough spot.

Anyone else got some wisdom?

Dancer

Thanks Dancer!
If anybody else has ideas, please chime in! My three kids and I are
busy packing up and moving to an apt. (without WH), so it may have to wait until after that, so my mind will be a bit clearer.
KK

The letter is fine, KK. Stick to your guns, live your life, move on. If he is meant to return to you, he will; and if he does see the mistakes he's made and is willing to correct them, you have a chance to rebuild a better life together.

Stay well!