Hi to everyone.

Well per usual there was the calm before the storm. For the last 3 weeks all was well. My WH was attentive, unusually takative and open about his whereabouts. Last Saturday, we went to a baseball game and who shows up but OW. It was my D idea and by the reaction of my WH I think it was another stalking thing.

Since then, he has been distant. No offer of where he's been on free time etc. He has been very stressed at work in addition to the turmoil he is experiencing in his private life.

Our 21 year anniversary is next week. Don't know if that is affecting him, seeing her after break in contact or reinstitution of contact. I am leaning towards the last or a combo. Don't feel like you will burst my bubble because I am ok with all scenarios. I know his behavior cannot be controled only mine.

Another bump in the long line.

Sorry to hear this, RNR; I will not venture to analyze this as others her can do so well, but I would imagine that "accidentally" running into OW must have been a shock, perhaps triggering feelings he'd thought he'd discarded, perhaps renewing the desire. And that coupled with your anniversary may be making him feel guilty and confused. I hope he did not succumb to those feelings if he had them.

Stay strong, these incidents will happen on the road to recovery.

I think spacecase is right here. Seeing the OW was probably a huge trigger on all those feelings he has been dealing with or dealt with. I am sure it was a trigger for you as well. How did YOU feel when you saw the OW? Could you projecting your own feelings and added to the distance? I know I do that quite a bit myself. My own feelings tend to distance us somewhat, and I turn around and ask myself "why is she distant" and try to figure out what had caused it only to finally figure out that maybe it was me.

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

I think you are both right about WH. He obviously had or has feelings for OW and it must be hard especially when he does not fully trust me nor I him. Not knowing where or who to turn to.

It is especially hurtful to my D's who loved and respected their father so much. HE was everything to them and now he is human and flawed like everyone else. Seeing OW is too much in their face.

I did not mention the fact that she was there. I thought it would be so counter productive and I also think WH believes I am thinking he arranged it. My heart sinks when I see her. I become the scrawny little girl that no one would play with and never quite measured up. I was quite popular in High School and very successful however, that rejection in the early years still is there. I feel inadequate and weak. OW seems to play on that as if she knew. I have never shared that with my WH. I think that is why his withdrawl is so devastating. But am I the one withdrawn again, overwhelmed with these substandard feelings. Wondering if I will ever be good enough?

WH has been so wonderful to me and maybe I should cut him some slack. WH is trying and patience is so hard to maintain.

Thaks for your concern. Keep looking for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It is good to hear you getting your own feelings off your chest and not just his. It is an important part to recovery to be able to discuss with him your feelings. Remember that this is intimacy the cornerstone of a passionate relationship. He needs to know how you tick. You can tell him how you feel and should tell him how you feel. It may even make him feel better because he will know how much you truly care about how you came to post this not about how you feel, but how your husband feels. This is a very admirable quality in which I am very impressed by. It is not easy in the face of adversity to put others feelings above yourself. However, sooner or later you have to come to grips with how you feel and share it with your H. The longer this sits the harder it will be. You can do this without LB'ing. Talk about this with him. He needs to know that you care.

You should not feel inferior to the OW. Remember, all in all, he did pick you. However, this is a natural feeling. I too feel this way about the OM. Especially after I finally had a chance to meet him and confront him. He seemed to be such a nice man. I can see from your posts here today that you are a wonderful careing person. You must be a real pleasure to be around. God bless you and your family.

<small>[ July 18, 2002, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

You are right. I should not feel inferior to her. I know that I have a lot to offer but my WH chose her to get even with me because I neglected him and he knew I did not like their friendship. That's how it started anyway. I just can't help wondering what she has I don't. He says I cannot give him what she does and visa versa. WH seems to be trying hard but I worry it is all just to keep my from suspecting anything. He has not admitted it is over. The kids seem to think it is by what he has said to them. I hope he is not being cruel to them.

I long for closeness again. I miss hugging and being hugged back. All affection must be initiated by him at this point or I am accused of being pushy.

I want and need to share my feelings but now am afraid to show any weakness because he feels that part of me is unattractive and needy. I also can't stand the pained look of guilt on his face when we discuss things. I am also banned for sending cards, emails or notes. More guilt he says...let it go and see what happens.

I yearn for my needs to be met but now is not the time I fear. I sobbed this am because I could not sleep. I love him. What a sad dtate we are all in.

Well, time to buck up for tomorrow. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I am a downer today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

First lets talk about the A:
I do not think that the OW would be coming around you two if the A was not over. I believe that the OW is trying desperately to get your H back. So lets just go with the fact that for the most part the A is over. Have you snooped at all?

Withdrawal
How long has the A been over? Can you give it a good guess? Withdrawal can take a good three months or more depending upon how much contact he has. Until withdrawal is completely over, do not expect much of anything from your H. He has nothing to give right now (as my WW will tell me). Can you think back to your last love. When that was over, how long did it take you to move on? Remember that his actions and what he says now has nothing to do about you but all to do about what state he is in. So when he says mean and hurtful things like "you can not give me what she gave me," etc., just remember right now that is true. No one can do anything to help him now. Only time will fix his wounds. Give him space if he is going through withdrawal.

Differentiation:
Have you had a chance to read Passionate Marriage? This book talks about the need for differentiation to facilitate a passionate relationship. The idea is that a marriage should not be where the two partners become completely one in every way (personality, self, etc.), but that there would be two individuals kept together by the love they share. The individuals in the marriage do not get bored with each other because each one is unique and keeps his or her uniquness.

The biggest thing in my mind is the intimacy (sharing of one's feelings). It sounds like you require validation from H when you share your feelings. You want him to approve of what you are feeling. This is not healthy in a relationship because the more negative experiences you have, the less likely you are to share yourself and you lose your identity even your personality and become boring to your partner. Remember back when you were dating when the R finally turned into something much more. What changed the R into something much more passionate was the true intimacy.

Worse than not sharing our true feelings is being intimate and then the partner showing his disaproval and we backpedal or apologize or try to discard our feelings. This tends to lead to resentment over time and eventually you never want to share your true self with your partner.

The key to initimacy is to be able to have self-validating intimacy. Frankly, they are your feelings and thoughts and they define who you are and make you unique and interesting. Who cares if your H does not agree with you or shows his disaproval. You should NEVER NEVER NEVER feel like you have to apologize for what your feel (who you are). Try to get to the point where you do not need him to validate your feelings. You as an individual are far more attractive of a being then someone your H expects of you. If you always do what your H expects, is that going to be interesting?

Sorry you are down today. I have been there and am there quite a bit myself. Try not to think about the negative things today. Maybe plan a nice dinner with your H this weekend. Friday date night!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Doesn't that sound exciting!! Do it just for you and take your H along for company. Have some fun and let loose.

I hope you have a better day. Like usual, I will be probably checking in here often all day. So, if you need someone to talk to, just post.

I guess I am fragile enough to think my feelings will be dismissed by WH because right now it is all about him. WH even said that he is stressed by work and can't even think about physical contact. He said why do you always think it is your fault? Because WH told me that's why he withdrew from me and I withdrew because of job overwhelment! Yikes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I have been with him 24 years and married almost 21. It is hard to imagine letting go because it has been so long. I only had 4 boyfriend before that. I hope I am not just holding on for the comfort of the familiar. I hope I am seeing clearly.

Date would be nice. We are working the church festivle together. How romantic. It is strange because he spends so much time with me and the kids that it is hard to imagine the the small amount of time they spent together became so addicting.

I do snoop occassionally but it always ends up ruining my day and I jump to conclusions. Like this morning I found some prepaid phone cards issued ealier this year. I automatically thought he'd called he on our family vacation, when he was oot, etc. When I called to check the time used, they had never been used. I was all worked up for nothing.

If the A is over it is only for maybe 3 weeks or so with cooling about 2 weeks prior to that. I think it started to cool when a little girl asked who that lady was with her dad because that was not the mommy she saw him with at lunch. That was late July.

Hey thanks for the support. Riding the waves today. Hope I catch a big one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />