I find myself trapped in some kind of paradox gridlock...everywhere I turn I am entwined in paradoxes that lock me in a world of confusion. Just a few examples are:

My WH is the man I most love in the world….since D-day (2 mo. ago) he’s also the man I most hate.

I want so much to restore our M and yet I have very strong desires to leave.

I am compelled to ask every detail about the A yet I hate hearing the answers.

For the last 4 years while he was having the A I believed we had an exceptional marriage. Since D-day H has put way more effort into our M than ever and yet I feel less happy than I ever have.

Since D-day I want him to learn about and meet my EN’s. Yet the idea of trying to fill his SF need (one of his highest, of course) is currently something I could not possibly bring myself to do.

I work to meet as many of his other EN’s as I can in order to move our recovery forward as quickly as possible. And when I am successful it makes me sad to see him so happy and “over all this” while I have this living hell going on inside me.

H committed the crime and I’m doing the time. He’s over the OW and long ready to forget all this. Putting in time (someone on this site recently estimated 2 – 5 years) is a necessity in my healing process.

For 4 years he’s the one that acted dishonorably, disrespectfully and with complete disregard for the affects his actions would have on me or our 5 yr old daughter and I’m the one who’s self image gets shattered. I used to be happy with who I was and how I looked. Now I struggle very hard with who I am...a woman whose H cheated on her for 4 years...a woman who’s now untrusting and suspicious...a woman who cries all the time...a woman who can’t get over feeling physically unattractive after seeing the “nice body” (his words) who he made love to for the last 4 years.

Before D-day I was making every sacrifice financially in order to support my H in a business venture. Meanwhile, he was secretly giving OW money. My daughter and I drive around in a 1989 car that has a digital dash that doesn’t work and hasn’t been fixed due to lack of money. That means I can’t see what speed I’m going, how much gas I have, etc. The dash is totally black. Meanwhile, OW drives a beautiful white LeBaron convertible and my H was giving her money, occasionally a thousand at a time and often smaller amounts for gas, phone bills, etc. I know, I know...this is not a paradox but it eats at me anyway.

Anyway, it is this world of paradoxes that I struggle with. I am torn between staying and leaving on a constant basis. The stress of living in this gridlock is having a definite negative impact on my health and I hate that I can’t break free of it one way or another.

My H accuses me of looking for excuses to leave. I think I have all the excuses I need. I just can’t make a solid decision one way or another. Am I making this harder than it needs to be? Has anyone else felt trapped like this?

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</small>

Extremely_Confused - where I really have no sound advice because I am dealing with most of the same issues - except mine has come to an end and we are getting a divorce - my husband has never really shown any great effort to fix the problems he has choosen to run away.. But everything is still a struggle as you say - but I can tell what has helped me along the way - I have been dealing with this daily since October 12 - Here goes - I used to cry everyday, obsess about what he was doing where he was going - of course even though we don't live together anymore I tend to obsess because in my case I am not sure what to believe - Anyways in about March once I had been seeing my therapist for awhile he decided that I should go on antidepressants because I had been through a trauma and everyday I am continually dealing with it. Well I was not one for medicine but after going through these last months I thought ok I will try it. Well I am not sure what it is doing to me - but I can now actually carry a conversation with someone without bursting into tears - I don't find myself obsessing as much... Sleep is still a problem for me because once my mind gets going there is no stopping it. So I think that you should get a therapist, talk to the people here - most of them are wonderful - I have branched out to a few and we are email buddies and it helps to have someone to vent to that has dealt with the same stuff so if you ever feel the need you can email me - **edit** ... See no one should have to deal with something like this - and it is so easy for everyone to tell you how to act, and what you should do?? But you are the only one who can tell yourself what you want out of your marriage - Can you live with what has happened etc...?? Will he go to marriage counseling with you??? Mine would never - Does he ever see this woman??? Everyone describes this as a roller coaster and I used to be a fan of roller coasters but not anymore - but they also say for every bad day you have a good one is just around the corner.. So I am not full of insightful advice but if you need to vent or talk I am here.. Good Luck...

The resentment and ambivalence are normal reactions. You aren't looking for reasons to leave, I'd say you are looking for reasons to stay and just having a hard time finding them! A common theme during an A is that the WS is totally selfish and has no common sense!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Don't ask me where it goes...I have no idea!! Your WH made a huge mistake and then lied about it, trust me, he'd be an idiot not to know he is in it deep.

A couple of suggestions...
1) Get some MC, if you aren't already. Both of you need it.
2) Decide to not decide about leaving or staying right now. Work on getting yourself back on track. Don't make any hasty decisions about anything. Take your time.
3) If you are going to ask questions about the A(which you have every right to do), make sure you really want to hear the answer. It's a good sign that your WH is willing to answer your questions!!
4) Make sure that if the marriage does fail...you are able to say to yourself that you did everything you could do to make that marriage work. Can you say that now??
5) There must be no contact between WH and OW. You should have access to all bank, credit card statements, phone bills etc.. WH should be able to account for all his time and spending. This will probably be temporary until you feel more secure.
6) Do as much reading and research as you can on this subject. Encourage WH to the same. Educate yourselves on this topic.
7) This one is something many shy away from...I'm not sure why. If you are crying, stressed, anxious and feeling as though you are in a helpless state and these feelings are ongoing...please consider anti-depressants. At least talk to your doc about them. (The cost of these things should balance out the cost of maintaining a LeBaron!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )Think of them as temporary. If you broke your leg...what would you do? You'd go to a doc, get it casted and use crutches to help you get around. The meds are like crutches, just a temporary thing until you can 'stand' on your own.

I know you're gonna hate this but...time does help. (Hated it when people said that to me but, alas, it's true.) Hang in there, you'll be ok. One day at a time.

Maw64, Thank you for your support. Regarding your questions...Can I live with what has happened?...'I don't know', Will he go to MC....'No', Does he still see her....'I don't think so'. I too am not crazy about roller coasters or yo-yo's anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MgM, I really liked what you had to say. Thanks.

I have lots of reasons to stay. I don't know if there is no contact between H & OW but he says not and we are both putting in a very strong effort.

I spend lots of time wanting to stay. Unfortunately, I spend just as much time wanting to leave.

I can't believe how a very normal life can turn into a web of paradoxes overnight?

There have been 2 d-days for you. For what it's worth...I'd make MC and a 'no contact letter' to OW conditions of reconciliation. That's just me, you need to do whatever is best for you and your daughter.

Just try to take one day at a time. I understand perfectly how you feel. Thought I'd go crazy in the early days of my d-day! One day I wanted to leave, the next I wanted him to leave, the day after that I wanted us all to live happily ever after. It seems kinda crazy (maybe, it is... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )but, it is a normal reaction to an extreme situation.