Hi folks -well at 200 posts it seemed a good point to start a new thread. Also things are changing in my situation. H has been living with OW now for 7 months and been with her since last August. We have just decided to introduce the children to her. this will allow H and her to take on some responsibilty for physical care of three boys over the summer holiday. It wasn't agreed lightly on my part but with a great deal of thought and care. I know the boys need to see their Dad more and so this is the only way to encourage that. I am also praying that having his 2 lives meet in this way may bring some reality into H's view of things and clear the fog.
have just heard that FIL is in hospital after an operation. H had wanted to take boys to visit over the w/e but he won't be up to that although he is recovering well. So I will be taking the boys to visit myself in the near future.
SS thanks for the comments. Yes my main concern is that the boys grow into good righteous men of God .
Will continue to pray for and with them.
Jante

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: jante ]</small>

up !

Well folks am getting close to the time when children are to meet the OW. has any one else done this and what have your experiences been? What can I expect?
Jante

My H exposed the children to the OW without my knowledge. Allowing him to continue to expose them to her, once the horse was out of the barn so to speak, was a HUGE mistake. If I had to do it over again, I would have fought tooth and nail to prevent any visitation with her present, especially overnight, as long as we were married. It comes too d*** close to condoning their illicit relationship.

Although they need to spend time with their father, they do NOT need to see him engaging in immoral acts; they do not need to see him sharing a bed with an affair partner.

Hi Neeli and thanks for your comments. I have felt the same as you for a long time and am not happy with the situation now- but I work fullltime to suppoirt the boys and now summer holiday is starting have been trying to get my H to take equal share of the care ofthe children. To do that meant agreeing to letting them meet the OW. I have prayed long and hard about the situation and od have peace in it so believe I am doing the only thing possible but still worry aboutthe 'condoning'aspect. Will have to see if there is a why of talking to the kids about it and expressing my views. Jante

A few years ago, a woman I knew had just had her third child and found out her husband was in love with another woman and was devestated(she had no clue) He moved out and in a few months was living with the OW. He pushed for weekends with the children and she reluctantly allowed it.After a few more months husband moved back home and they are still together. Sometimes the kids can put a damper or even a bucket of water on that fire!
And remember, your children as christians do not need to "act" like they like the relationship unless shes his wife.Just some food for thought.

Thanks Ezra for that insight it really helops to have all kinds of experiences to be able to take advice, ideas from. Jante

Hi folks,Have just had a great weekend with friends, but then came back home to the joys of having to explain to the children about them meeting the OW and staying for part of the holidays with H and OW. They said nothing while H was here but as soon as he went they started complaining and eldest has thrown my dried flower arrangement round the floor before storming out on his bike- no idea when he will return!!!
Was so upset/cross that I rang H and shouted at him over it all. He had told them the plans and then left straight away.
Now I realise that really why I was shouting was because of my own guilt at the situation. I feel I've made him put the boys through this so as to have some space to myself and therefore I AM WRONG AND SHOULD BACK DOWN AND SAY LEAVE THEM HERE WITH ME ALL SUMMER. Totally in a dither over it all. Jante
I now feel I'm doing the wrong thing by expecting them to go to dads for the two and half weeks.
I feel I'm being selfish for wanting a bit ofspace and time to work with out worrying about the children and childcare.
I know I'll get over this- but hayte it while I'm living through it.
Well folks life can only get better.

Jante,

Did you know that something between 70% - 80% of all second marriages end in divorce. Do you know why? Children from previous marriages. I've heard that the man's children as more likely to be a problem to the new realtionship then the woman's children.

Unless your H and OW are extraordinary parents this may very well be the beginning of the death toll for their relationship. This little introduction thing tells me that they are not extraordinary parents.

Your husband is making a fatal mistake for his relationship with the OW. She may be his ‘honey’ but she is nothing to your children. Well, nothing but the woman who broke up their family. It is a mistake for your husband to expect them to want to meet her, to care about meeting her, or to care for her at all. This is just the way children usually react to such situations. They are being told to collude with a situation that is ripping their family apart and that in the past they were told was morally wrong. Why would they want to do anything but sabotaged it? And kids are very very good at being saboteurs. It is sometimes the only power they have.

If your children do spend time with you H and OW this summer, they will, more then likely both your H and OW very miserable. Step parenting is hard enough when the new relationship started well after a divorce and therefore had nothing to do with the breakup of the family.

IMHO, you H should not introduce his children to any other woman while he is married to you. You have seen why already. Your children know it is wrong and are angry that their lives are being screwed around with. Yet no one asked them if they wanted this. They know that your H does not really give a hang how they feel, just as he does not really give a hang about how you feel. You know how that felt. Your children feel the same.

In the best of all possible worlds, your H would take his responsibility with his children. When his children were with him, the OW would find another place to stay. Or he would find anther place to stay with his children.

I am reading a book right now on step parenting, “Step-By Step-Parenting”, “A guide to successful living with a blended family, by James D. Eckler. It’s a real eye opener. The first chapter is devoted to they way children react and sabotage the new relationship. The rest of the book is dedicated to how to deal with it successfully. You may want to take a look at it just to get a heads up. They will need for you to help them through all this. The more info you have under your belt the better you will be able to help them.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

jante,

don't fell guilty!

Let your WS feel guilty for putting your kids in this situtaion. My STBX introduced YS to OW 2 days after we had told them we were getting a divorce. YS thought she was just some nice woman who was letting daddy stay with her until he found a place. OS set him straight. Then a month later STBX wanted to take the boys, OW & her D on wkend get away, the boys refuse to go if OW was going. Think they told their dad they just didn't want to go, so he ended up going with OW & her D.

I didn't want them exposed to her but as we had trouble with OS while living in Singapore & had taken him to a cousnelor, STBX got the report & threated me with it if I wouldn't let the boys come to him house. Now our agreement was that she couldn't spend the night there, however in the yr since I think she does or at least when her D is there.

I had told my sons that is was alright to like her. I thought that they were not liking her but putting up with her but it seems that both of them are disliking her more. YS came home a few wks ago & called her a *itch. I couldn't help but laugh. OS & have talked about this situtation lately, I have asked him if he thinks his brohter is telling me this things because he really hates her or he thinks mom wants to hear this. OS didn't know but he told me that they had asked his dad, could they just do more stuff with him. That they didn't like doing things with OW & her D, that inculded movies. OS said his dad was not happy but he needed to hear it.

I guess my long point is that you need a break & your WS & OW need to face the truth.

Good luck.

My children's experience has been that when push comes to shove, their father doesn't care about their feelings. At one point they were spending alternate weekends at the OW's house. Very soon she tired of that - he came right out and said that they "disturbed the atmosphere" in her house and he would do whatever was necessary to keep that from happening. They haven't been allowed over there since except two at a time, except right before Christmas for a few hours.

While I believe it is true that kid problems are very common in second marriages, from what I have seen it is not the marriage that gets destroyed; it is the kids.

In my opinion you should NOT make, or even allow, your kids to go over there when the OW is there. No "break" is worth doing that to the kids.

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</small>

Thanks for the comments- I was encouraging the visit etc just for a brak on my part but to enourage the children and dad to spend more time together. H has wanted to introduce the kids and OW for 7 months and I insisted he left it until now. Howwever the boys reactions have been so extreme I am now having to rethink everything. jante

I may have missed something..but has H ever asked the kids if they want to meet the OW? I realize if H asked them what the kids would like...they would probably say for him to leave OW and come back to you (their Mom). If your kids don't want to meet/be with the OW, I would not make them. They are already feeling powerless over what their Dad has done..and is doing to rip the family apart. I think they need to feel like they have control over this at least (as long as it doesn't violate whatever visitation agreement is standing...if there is one from a legal standpoint). I would have them even tell their Dad why they don't want to do this. H needs to not have anyone making it easier for him to continue in an immoral situation.

On the other hand, I completely understand your need for a break...especially with the heartache and stress you are under. Do you have family nearby that can take your kids for a week or 2? How about a good friend or someone at your church? Any of these situations is preferable to having them be with OW although I also see the value in what the others have said about it potentially putting the kabosh on H and OW's easy/cozy life. It is a tough situation but I would leave the final decision to the kids as long as she is not his legal wife. They are obviously hurting very much and are striking out...I have a feeling if they feel you are making them go there against their wishes..instead of striking out at their Dad..they may also strike out at you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs.

Thanks Yellow roae for your input. Yes when he first mentioned OW to the children last December he asked if they would like to meet her and youngest two said no but eldest said he didn't mind. Because I told H that the younger ones didn't want it he stoppped suggesting it but then later said they hadn' met cos I didn't want it. this situation has arisen because I have to work all the cjhildren holiday and was wanting H to take more of a share of the child care arrangements and responsibilities. there is no one else to help. H's only answert was to say that he would have them with him the weeks holiday as planned ( still no problem with that) and then a week and half in his new home in London which he shares with OW. However now its been suggested to the children they are so anti it on various graounds that it looks like I'll have to do something else- perhaps take unpaid leave for the summer.
Jante

Hi folks and thanks for all the input- whether it was easy to read or not!!
I talked honestly with the children and explained that even if they spent time with the OW I am still their mum and nothing and no one is ever going to change that. My eldests only reason for not going to stay at his dads is cos he wants to be free to do his own thing all holiday - then today hes just sat at home watching TV or playing on the computer so nothing he couldn't do at his dad and there are plenty of things in London for thewm to do.
I have told their dad how they feel and asked if he still wants to go ahead with tomorrow- he has said yes and I am going to take the boys but tewll them its their dads decision and that if they want to complain or ask anyone about it they should speak to him. I have suggested to him that we play the rest of the holiday situation by ear. I haven't told him yet but I have ok'd it with work that if necessay I can take time off. I will then see how things are later in the week. I am also aware that only a few weeks ago I had similar complaints when he wanted to take them camping and them saying they wwould.n't go but when it came to it they went happily. So will let you know how things go tomotrrow.
Jante

Hi folks- well thats over thank goodness. Not something I would wish to repeat- meeting OW was very strange. She seems so nice and of course wasn't the reason H left me but despite that she is living with a married man!!
The kids were still saying they didn't want to meet her right up until she arrived but in the end they seem to have got on alrigh. I went for a meal and then came back- supposedly at the end of bowling but there had been problems so instead was stood watching the last game for 45 minutes!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Saw kids play and chatted to them which was fun. At one point H was stood between OW and me - wonder how that made him feel? OW and I talked a little about the kids going to stay she is certainly trying to do all the right things by them. Wonder how she felt seeing H laughing and chatting with m? A very strange evening all round for the adults.
That said I did enjoy my meal and had a laugh which gives me more to remember than just the bad times tonight.
Jante

next morning and all I feel is so disposable to my H. I keep seeing the children H and OW together bowling with me on this outside looking in. I know i can never be replaced in my childrens thoughts and loive but I feel very replaced in H's.Know I need to start thinking positively about myself again but feel very low at the moment.
Jante

jante,

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

I am so sorry for your having to go through this. It is just not right.

As often as I've seen it, it still amazes me. Your H and OW have a lot of nerve dragging you through this.

I'm currious, why did you drop the kids off and pick them up? This puts you in a terrible position and it makes things very easy for your H and OW. Have you considered telling him to do the pickup/drop off duties? Please rethink this and be kind to yourself.

Hi and thanks for your thoughts Zorweb. Reason for me doing the drpopping off and pick up on this first occasion was to help. H and OW live in London approx 180 miles from me, but H was working in Birmingham yesterday- 70 miles from me. I offered to take the boys to Derby which is half way between B'gham and me so as to make the journey easier, plus I wanted to meet the OW for the kids sake and didn't want that to happen at my house. I know what we did is not the normal but I believe it was for the best for the children. H will be doing the poick up and dropping off when he has the kids for the three weeks over the holidays. He will also be bringing them to visit me in the middle so it does work both ways. jante

Hi folks- well one thng that has changed since Tuesday my own rel with my children seems to have impproved. Not that it was bad before but by taking conmtrol in the situation with H and OW I seem also to have taken control again with the children. This morning while H took our middle son to a football tournament I took my other two out for a ride in the countryside and to paint our own pots.We had great fun but this time last week they would have wanted to stay at home and I'd started backing off so as not to rock the boat. Today I stayed firm about us going out and we have had a great time.
hope everyone else is well Jante