Yet another babbling post from me - I'll apologize in advance. Quick run down and then I will get to the real point - I had an A that ended in 98, my wife found out in 99, and we've been trying to hold on and piece everything back together ever since. She works at a bank, so of course there is a lot of interaction with other people. One such person is a guy that she has apparently flirted very heavily with for about a year. He's divorced. This past weekend, they went for a motorcycle ride, and in the end made out. She says she wanted to go further, but didn't, and regrets the fact that she didn't go all the way. He has been on her mind all week long, and she just can't shake him. In the meantime, I'm here trying to figure out how to put our marriage back together, plus being her best friend I'm listening to everything that is going through her mind about this other guy (I know - I'm warped). Last night I told her she had to figure out where she was at with this other guy before I could really make any strides at putting us back together. She was going to hook up with him yesterday (to take care of what she regretted not doing the other day), but she wasn't able to catch up with him. While she was out, I decided that no matter what I was going to go to the store, buy her a nice bunch of flowers, and put a card in that said "I hope these flowers brighten your day, and I Love You". I did that - brought them home to her - and found out that nothing happened because he wasn't home. Last night, another conversation about him, but then it turned and I saw something in her eyes I haven't in a long time - a warm, loving look - and she even sent a couple of compliments my way too. So now I'm totally confused!! Today I wrote her some pretty heartfelt words and put them into a card - I can only wait and see what her reaction is when she gets home from work.

My question is - how hard do I push? How hard do I push to have her stay and work things out here? I'm afraid if I push to much, I will only make her want to leave all that much more. We've been in counseling, we're going to another counseling session tomorrow. I just keep thinking that the old theory "Let something go, if it's yours it will return, if it's not it won't" or however that goes. Help.......

I think it's great that she can tell you EVERYTHING about her life, but do you really want to encourage her to have an affair with this motorcycle guy (maybe I read your post wrong...)? You have been totally true to her for the past four years, right? She owes you the same, if you stand a chance of having this marriage recover. Open marriages, well, I've read about them but maybe they are just an urban legend. I also don't want to encourage any love busting, cause I work every day to be the sainted wife I am suppose to be (he cheated, not me). I am currently wrestling with a similar situation, did you tell your wife everything about your affair? My H is willing to do anything to help me get over this, but I am definitely not looking for my own Hell's Angel to ease the pain!!!

She's told me that originally it was payback for what I did - but now it has grown into more than that. I definatly don't want to encourage the affair, and she knows I am very jealous and mad about the whole thing, but she is going anyways - and nothing I can say will stop her.

Then you need to sit her down and decide together where this is going because you definitely do not deserve this kind of treatment, I don't care what happened four years ago!! This will not make her feel better, no matter what she is feeling right now. I could just never hurt my husband that way, and I am only one month out from my D-day so I am still very upset with the entire situation.

Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. If you have honestly been trying to save your marriage, then you do not deserve this. Maybe she needs to talk to someone about her need to hurt you like this. Are you in counseling? If no, then jump in right away.

We're both going to a counseling session tonight, but it's almost like both of our minds are half made up already - I can't do anymore to make her happy, and she can't get back to a point where she is truly happy and content with me and our marriage. I think a lot of it though is we are scared to take the step towards separation and divorce - we've been together 13 years and you don't just wake up some morning and say "okay, well that's all done". Plus, we still love each other and are each others best friends - but part of me loves her enough and is good enough friends with her to know that I want her to be happy - whether that is with me or not.

LostInUpState,

I'm also where you are at but I'm the BS. My WS doesnt want me to bring it all up, she wants her space - and that means NO emotional pressure.

This is where I'm going wrong in my Plan A.

What's the rush about Divorce, why not take some time as is and see how it progresses? Keep doing the giving, making love bank deposits, keep expecting nothing in return.

Don't give up if you love her, end if you no longer love her. You owe it to you both.

Don't push, that will push her away.

Regards Ben Richards.

You are definitely thinking in a positive direction, because you still love her and I bet she still loves you. If you haven't read 'Surviving an Affair', order it today because you will be amazed at how you can relate to it. Maybe seperation is a good idea, sort of a Plan A in reverse since this all stems from your A, but she is having an EA with this motorcyclist already, so it sort of pushes your deception back a bit and you are pretty much dealing with her possible A presently. You need to protect your emotions in this situation, she will respect you for that in the long run. Read everything that you can on this site before making a decision.

Let me know how the session goes tonight, I'll think positive thoughts your way.

Kind of an update - I had to go and talk to the motorcycle guy - just had to do it - and I couldn't find anyone to talk me out of it - I told my wife I was going to, and she said it wasn't her right to try and talk me out of it. Anyways - we talked, and I kind of got his take on all of it - come to find out, he tells me he had no intention at all of calling my wife to further this "relationship" - he would never do that with married woman, and he would never do that with a brother firefighters wife no less. He was actually very easy to talk to - heck, he would even do well as a counselor - I felt at ease after talking things out with him. Didn't belittle the fact though that he was a little pissed with my wife because she was using him as a pawn to get back at me. He told me at the end of the conversation that he wouldn't even mention that the two of us had talked, but I'm kind of torn - my wife has been very very open with me (more open than she should have been probably) this past week about everything with this other guy, I really think I should return the honesty. I'm afraid she is going to be furious with me for even talking to him, and in her mind she will think that if I hadn't talked to him maybe something would have happened between them - I just hate to drive another wedge between us at this point. However, this other guy told me I need to remember that yes I am her best friend, but at the same time I'm also still her husband, and I need to act that way, get angry, and work all of this out. Thoughts? Do I tell her I talked to him?

Hi, Lost,

If you expect honesty from your W don't you think you owe it to her to be honest about talking to this guy? It sounds like she was fabricating things so you would think you might loose her, to get you jealous. I think she may get defensive only because of embarrassment that you found out and so did this guy.

Let us know how you made out!

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Definitely tell her so that this does not return to haunt you in the future. She will probably find out sooner or later, wouldn't you rather it come from you than someone else? To me, you were just protecting what you cherish most, put it that way to her and she should understand.

Let me know what you decide.

Whoa - what a lousy friggin' night! I told her I talked to him - and she flipped - furious flipped - said she wasn't sure if she wanted to knock me out or throw me out of the house. Big time backfired - she says that I humiliated her again (first time was my A), she hates me, and I'm pretty sure that we're well on the road to separation/divorce now. Counseling session went okay, and the counselor was able to get her to calm down a little (I'm tellin' ya, she was FURIOUS) - but W said she had to call the other guy and apologize - so she did - and that didn't go well either - he got mad at her and said he didn't like being put in the middle of our marital situation. This made her even madder at me because I said something in the first place, because now she feels that she has lost someone that she could talk to about a common subject (his wife also had an A). I've definatly made this situation a lot worse today - can anyone tell me how I can screw my life up anymore at this point? Because, I'm really running out of ideas.

Hi, Lost, Sorry I have been off the map for a few days, and I 'm really sorry that you had such a tough weekend, but if you hadn't told her he probably would have and that would have made the situation even tougher to deal with in my opinion. Sounds like she is in a place where she is looking for an opportunity to blow up at you, major LB's all around. She is also angry that you caught her in an untruth, let her be mad and get it over with. Read, read, read everything you can on this site, and be patient with her. She made need Plan B for awhile, who knows. All I can tell you is the people on the site know what they are talking about, they have really helped me.

I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place, but it won't be this way forever. Hang in there.

The first thing I have to say is.......2 wrongs don't make a right.

Your W should remember how she felt when she found out about your A.......they have this way of forgetting things while involved in their own A.

Second......you were more or less enabeling her to have this A. Sometimes we as BS will do that in order to smooth everything over and not make the WS angry.....but we do have to stand up for ourselves.

It is a good sign that your W can tell you EVERYTHING.....not sure why she is so upset about loosing this person that she could "talk" to when she tells you everything anyway.....and obviously she WASN'T telling HIM everything.

Another thing.......YOU are not responsible for your current situation....unless of course you haven't been doing your part to make your marriage a good one.

Your W is responsible for HER actions and your are responisble for YOUR actions. SHE is the one that is causing what she is going through right now.....YOU did not make her do this.

As a BS I know the feeling of needing to talk to the OP....I did on several occasions. Severely pi**ed off my H....but it was something that I had to do for me. I was completely honest about it and did not feel bad for doing it.

I think that sometimes as a BS we lose sight of what WE need and put the needs of our WS's in front of ours even though they are telling us they don't want to be with us or whatever.

I learned real fast that in order for ME to deal with this I had to start thinking of myself for a change and quit worrying about what my H felt about it......afterall.....it wasn't bothering him that he was hurting me.

By the way....I took the tough love route....before that I took every route there was....messed up big time here and there.....was the queen of LB'ing....was almost involved in my own A....and now my H and I are 10 months into recovery and still going strong.