My husband has a habit of masturbating that he thinks is not a problem...But with this habit and his emptying the tank lets say I do without more often than not and 3 month runs is frustrating and humulating. I am 44 said by many to look 30 and look good...but I refuse to cheat, and to lower myself to his game but...I am getting angry with passing up while he does that...I have caught him at it when he goes to bathroom in the night after a too tired excuse. He is a truck driver and have found soiled paper towels in blankets brought in to wash, it bugs me what can I do....! I have even tried initiating sex with playing with him...he takes it all and gives none back...if I'm a good girl maybe now and then he'll do it his way which I hate and get no pleasure from....oh what a mess of a part of life suppose to be and once was beautiful.Please post reply don't vote.

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: tikat ]</small>

Sorry tikat,

I tried to vote, but it wouldn't let me. Try again maybe?

thank you for trying but could you advice me or has others lived this or is it just me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Tried to vote, but unable to, must of gotten messed up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Tikat;
No disrespect, but you don't need a poll to get the feedback you want, asking others who have had a similar experience should do it.
And a poll with only one option to vote on is not a poll, really.

Have you tried discussing this with him? Communication is KEY!

Yes I have tried to talk to him about it in differnt ways,like when I caught him I asked him if there was a reason he tought I may not be interested in his needs or desires. Or When he refuses because I know the tank is empty i ask him if there is a problem with him or me. i even tried telling him it hurts me and I love him and would like to be with him.....he says quit whinning,complaining or thats the way or refuses to answer. i think he knows it is not right but does not like to face up to it. I keep trying and do so ever bight my tongue not to get angry for i do admit i have boiled over at times from frustration and I have gotten angry on ocassions.He seem to separate sex and love. Sex is to satisfy bodily needs. Love is living together or whatever. Hard to say but sometimes i get that impression from attitudes or hearing him talk about other things or to friends.....as
for the poll i am new here and didn't know how this system worked actually, got stuck with the poll and couldn't get rid of it. So I asked for replies please from thoses who may have lived this or something close too.. for insight, help and advise....no disrespect ment to anyone...learning is a skill we uses each day I answer to the person posted before me. Thankyou for your advice, I ask your understanding.And apoligise if it frustrates others who are more versed in the forum or the internet and computor ways.Thank-you

DOES HE HAVE MEDICAL PROBLEMS?

Hi tikat - masturbation is an easy way to get physical release without dealing with "messy" relationship issues. That's why he does it.

You say in the first post that "once it was beautiful". Was that with him? If so then at least you can find some guideposts for the way back. Can you identify and then remove any threatening elements in your relationship, so far as sex goes?

Another thought, if your H is a serious Christian, might be a Bible-based approach. As his wife, you have the exclusive right to satisfy his sexual needs. If you think he's at all amenable to this approach, try reading and then giving him "The Silent War" by Rogers and Miller. The book focuses on pornography, but that typically goes hand-in-hand (okay, slap me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) with masturbation.

- Tom

I do not think that there is anything wrong with masterbation. God gave us hands and the ability to do this. You can sin masterbating by thinking of other women, but I do not think it is a sin to masterbate. It is quite natural even in healthy sexually pleasing relationships. Some have much stronger desires and need release several times a day!!!

That does not mean their is nothing wrong with your M. Bad sex is an indicator to other problems in the relationship. Their is something (or someone) else on his mind. Something that is bothering him. Do not ask him about the sex part, that is not the problem it is only a symptom(unless of course he never fullfilled you in the
past). He could be upset about bad sex in the past or you not giving him enough and rejecting him. Could be many things here only conversation will bring out. Try to get him to open up to you. Ask him what is wrong. Is he withdrawn from the marriage? Does he give you any affection?

Pick up the book Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Try sharing some parts of the book you agree with. Leave it laying around, maybe he will pick it up and read it. It is a great book that will help each other understand how each other views sex.

Tikat,

A frustrating as this is, it is only a symptom of much greater problems in your marriage.

I’d venture to guess that your H is avoiding relationship ‘stuff’ and is harboring a great deal of anger. Withholding sex is a very typical way for a man to express anger at his wife. Since he is making sure that you know of the masturbation (he certainly is not hiding it very well) he is definitely striking out at you.

If you deal with the relationship issues, this will solve itself. The problem I see is that with this passive aggressive thing he is doing he will not join you right now in martial work.

My suggestion is that you read the material on this web site and the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. I also think that reading “Surviving an Affair’ would help you. There is a lot in there.. like Plan A.. that could be of help.

Then start Plan A’ing him like crazy.

There are things you can do in Plan A… like doing the 180. I’d also suggest the you read the book Divorce Busting or it’s rewrite, Divorce Remedy. Second is a rewrite of the first.. I actually like the first one better but then I like to read (it’s a more verbose book). The Divorce Busting material will give you some very specific ideas (like the 180) of things to do during Plan A when you are the only one working on your relationship.
Here’s the DB 180 list.. the point is to do exactly the opposite of what your H expects you to do… this will force change in your relationship.

I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a
180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

I agree with ZorWeb about working on other problems in the marriage, and the DB material gives excellent practical suggestions for plan A.

That only creates an environment, your H still must make the choice to stop. Masturbation in marriage is most definitely a problem. Suppose SF is one of your husband's top emotional needs. You can't fulfill that because he whacks off all the time, so you don't build up any points. Because of that, he is not motivated to work on the marriage. It's a vicious cycle.

I wonder - maybe treat this like an affair and insist on "no contact" while you carry out plan A. Now I know that habitual masturbation isn't really the same as an affair, but it does involve an emotional distancing, and a displacement of the proper sexual outlet in a marriage. Maybe he doesn't agree right away, but it could be useful to set your boundary along with a time frame.

I don't mean to disagree with chameleon, but I think he's (she's?) talking about cases where it does not interfere with the marital relationship. Your H is thinking about something while he does this, and it's not you!

Hello everyone, and thank you for your advice. Especially Zorwebs. I shall most certainly try that plan of action and hold on tight hoping for the right reactions from him. You are right he is acting and I'm reacting to all the love busters he is employing and believe me I see all 10 of them with various twists. Hurricane sweets no he has no present medical problems, but bad habits. He had 7 sisters who played mom and his mom making 8 mothers that gave him all he wanted or wished for, a well off Dad who gave him cars, land and so on. He is used to being bailed out of trouble or fincial difficulties when not fullfilling his responsabilities or obligations. In other words, I want, I recieve but not used to working to keep it.Spoilt.His sisters and I stopped bailing him out after speaking to him about using better judgement in his spendings, he decieded that nothing bad could happen to him and bills could wait till he had gotten what he wanted.... and he lost his truck,trailer and company needless to say.One sister lost 12,ooo, me 40,000 in 6 years. We figured it was time to stop the free milk after having had tried to help him to see the truth and way of doing respectful business...but he wouldn't, its always "me " with him. He lost out and we all hurt for him but enough is enough, sister claims only the interest of borrowed cash and he kicks on that, I just use some of his when I have none left to pay bills. So we let him take the rap but didn't try to hang him either, hoping that this loving slap would wake him....Now he drives for another company, he is an excellent driver and has a whole new set of friends, all with HARLEY's. So he has decieded to rebuild his...which is draining and endangering our house...500 to 800$ in pieces every week to 2 weeks lately....I can't foot all the bills with my income, this angers him....and therefore all the rest follows. I am willing to help him achieve his goal but not sink the ship. If it were done wisely on a years basis we could do it but on a few months this strain on budget will get us into deep trouble again.....I have just inherited a sum and i admit don't feel like doling it in to cover his whims......so now he threatens to sell house if I don't cover for him...boy what fun that can be to stay calm......He figures that now he has no company,truck or trailer he should at 49 have this no matter the cost when he wants it, and how without regard to anyone or anything else. Like I said I'm willing to help his dream along but can't do it all for him. I feel it is encouraging his selfishness and disrespect. His holding back and doing that is a lashing out as his paying attention to other women, like at the family reunion where he and his 6 year younger niece from swiss, burnt up the dance floor with her admitting she had a kick for him and showing it, I didn't take a fit....but ouch, I acted like zorweb suggested opposite. But having buried my grandfather a few days before (he showed no affection,confort even there) did not make me too smiley(my Dad is already dead...now i'm the oldest in my line alive at 44). So maybe i muffed it there.....
Chemelion:Even his sisters envy my physical traits, I am 44,look at most 30 naturally am 34,23,33 even after the loss of 20+ pounds due to stress, i now weigh 100 pounds instead of 120 and 36,25,35...He could have me anytime he wants, he is the one who claims headaches etc, and tired.When he is on the road long times its hard to swollow but I can if he were to do it but at home or when I'm with him ....no. He has a willing and wanting wife who loves him but to be just the "giver" would be wrong. His action is as said before based on lovebusting to get back and get what he wants. I can understand and even forgive but to encourage....well I'm still a woman with needs who loves him and believes I have the right and priveledge of pleasing him as he me.Sex is only as boring as he makes it, he sets the limits. The only thing I have trouble with and don't like or allow is pornography, cheating, 3somes, and being taken as my first husband did..BY RAPE OR IN THAT POSITION! He knows this for I have been radically honest about the past.Yet even there he wants to oblige me to that or pass up...see the patern..CONTROL.Its the spoilt child habits. And I agree with TMMX Christian women won't go for those things. I am Christian, he is a retrograd who in his state of mind is even ridiculing this...so pray for us please.
Once again Thank you all, your advice helps and brings in thoughts and food for thought as I firstly examin myself to be better for him hoping to encourage him to be good for me. I do love him though the bank is so low. But I believe as a Christian to love your husband is not only a feeling but a decision. Keep the advice and inputs coming and I will answer and update. God Bless

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 06:23 AM: Message edited by: tikat ]</small>