There was a recent topic about the question of beauty to your spouse. I guess my situation is a little different. My husband and I had our first child at a very young age (20). I put on some weight and gained some strech marks. I felt bad but he always told me I was beautiful. I lost all the "baby" weight and felt great. A few years later I became pregnant with my second son and found out my husband had gone to strip clubs on several occasions. I was hurt but I guess I forgave him because I justified it on being pregnant. A few years later I had my third son. I kept myself in shape the whole pregnancy. After the pregnancy I continued to exercise and lift weights and get into the best shape I have ever been in. I grew out my hair, toned up my body(with the exception of strech marks and not-so firm breasts)and I felt more beautiful than ever. I am more physically attractive than ever. Well guess what...He is back at the strip clubs again. He goes a few times a year when out of town on buisness. I accidently over heard him telling friends about "groping" strippers and how tight their *ss is and what great t#ts they have. Talk about a blow to my ego. I have had 3 kids and Im always told how great I look but now instead of saying "thank you" I think to myself "you cant see the strech marks and flawed breasts" I feel like Im being compared to silicone and 18year old beauties. My question is, why is it my husband tells me he is more turned on by me now than ever does he have to go to these clubs? I dont like hearing tell his freinds that strippers have sat in his lap and gave him great lap dances. Im so angry that all I can think of is how would he like to see his attractive wife lap dance for his freinds! He says our sex life is the greatest its been and that all this is no big deal. Well its a big deal to me. I got in shape for myself but I also got into shape to keep my husband interested in me. Well now I feel like no matter what I do or how great I look it wont matter. I know we are only human and we will apprecitate other attracive bodies but I think he has gone over the line with this. He has touched women who have sat in his lap with no shirt on. I cant even take my shirt off in front of him anymore. We have watched porno movies and looked at magazines and such togather and that has never bothered me, but to have it physically in your face is to much for me to handle. I really need some men to clue me in on why he does this. Is he comparing me to strippers? Am I not enough for him? I have stripped for him and done many unmentionable things in the bedroom so what is he lacking? How can I ever feel secure again? Our sex life is suffering now because Im so nervous taking off my clothes. I feel like I need to get lazer surgery and fake breasts and be a barbie doll to keep him out of the clubs or leave him and let someone else appreciate my body. Hes says he will never go again but he has said that many times. I guess what hurts me the most is I was feeling so physically confident and totally sexy about myself and now Im as insecure as when I was 20lbs overweight. What I thought was a trusting and sexually great relationship has now blown up in my face. So if there any married men out there who have gone to these places please help my understand why? Should I be worried? I guess Im worried the next thing he will do is have an affair. Any advice will help.

I wonder if the attraction to stippers is more sexual than based on beauty? Men, any thoughts?

As a man who has looked at his fair share of naked women...let me say this. I have been married for 10 1/2 years. During this time I have watched movies and looked at magazines, but have never felt the urge to go to clubs. I have always felt that would be akin to cheating. I think the attraction to the women in the clubs/mags/movies is more of a fantasy type reaction than anything else. My W is a very beautiful woman who has had 4 kids. Obviously she isn't going to look the same as an 18 year old with fake breasts who has never had kids. However, I'm not sure I'd want to be married to somebody who looked like that for fear of straying etc. I guess what I'm trying to say in a nutshell is that looking is one thing...reality quite a different story altogether.<P>R

Thank you for you response "R". I guess the thing that hurts the most is the first time he did it I forgave him. I just figured it was a guy thing and I let it go. I understand the "fantasy" for the man and that is why I tried hard to just "let it go" the first few times he did it, but the fantasy keeps being repeated. Hell, I have fantasies to but I dont go around acting them out over and over again out of respect for my marriage. He can look at porn, magazines, the internet because I dont mind that. Its all a fantasy, but I dont like the physical part of the fantasy he is acting on. It is one to many times for me. Im tired of just excepting it because its a "guy thing".

Hi there, <P>My ex and I had a similar conversation (argument) last night. We each the the internet phone by Vocal tec on our computers. I never use it now, there is mainly pervs on there doing everything imaginable on their web cams for you to see. While still married to him and going to bed alone, and wanting him to be in there with me, he would be staying up late on his computer. I just knew he was looking at naked women or on that internet phone. Well yesterday, he told me a woman did send him her naked pic while chatting with him. Even though we are divorced, that just made me sick, now knowing what I was assuming then was true. I felt so alone and hurt when he would not come to bed with me. He promised me when we got back together he would not stay up on the computer like that anymore. Therefore, I would cry myself to sleep many nights. I also hate for him to look at naked women on the web and in magazines. I am in pretty good shape, but also have stretch marks, and such. (will have tummy tuck asap early this comming yr). It's not like I do not find other men attractive, but I dont have the desire to go out of my way to see them nude, on the web or in magazines. I want to only desire my ex, and do. I dont desire sex with other men either. My ex thinks womens bodies are a work of art, yet doesnt want men to look at mine. I am not wanting men to desire me, but it sure makes me feel good when they look. I thought most people felt this way. So, maybe my body is not a work of art like the bimbos, but after my surgery we will see. Maybe then I will just have to put my body out here on the web for all to see, you know being it will be a work of art. (I would really never do that, but will send ex a nude one, just to make him mad).<P>So is it not realistic to be able to be with a man who share my beliefs, or are there any out there like that. I only desire 1, and want the same in return. So guess this means my future will be a lonely one.<P>I could not deal with my husb going to strip clubs at all! I hate this trashy world.<P>Sorry, guess you can tell I am a bit frustrated.

You will never get the truth...<P>The bottom line here is that people will never tell you honestly what goes on in human behavior.<P>We all like looking at nice things and no matter how much women deny it, seeing a nice male body is attractive. Of course most women see the honesty in that as being wrong and therefor cover it up while secretly or subconsciously finding it desirable on some level.<P>Its always been known that men have always been visual and women have always been mental... so is it any more cheating a man looking at women than it is a woman reading a romance novel?<P>Oh I am sure the women would protest adamantly that it is different... why would they do anything else because they are justifying what THEY do the same as a man would justify looking at women doesn't mean anything... its the same.<P>The one thing people don't like to think of is that none of us are beautiful enough, there will ALWAYS be someone out there more beautiful than us regardless of who we are. The guys who go out to these places or look on the internet would be hurt if you suddenly started admiring some hunk of a guy and would probably get very defensive or even tell you that you shouldn't look... all the while somehow justifying themselves looking.<P>If your guy does it I would say do it yourself... when they get jealous or upset sit them down and ask them what they are feeling, what is going through their mind... then let them know its exactly what YOU felt when they did it.<P>If they are a reasonable person they will come to a wonderful understanding and love you all the more... if they are NOT a reasonable person they will get angry and upset you have pointed out the truth to them and will call you names for starting a completely unfair agrument.<P>To those married to unreasonable men I can only give you my sympathy... these kinds of men don't deserve to have companionship let alone be married... alas more and more of them are being born (or bred?) every day.