When she needs me, she talks to me about her feelings, how she is feeling bad about loosing OM, how she is looking on Internet about affair statistics and wonders why OM and WW won't work. I listen and am calm and responsive.
I am sure this has to do with many BIG things (withdrawal, busy at work, stressed) going on in her life right now, but I DO NOT CARE.

I do not like her talking about OM.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

TAKE A DEEP BREATH!! I will get better

C; Don't do it! don't give up! you've barely started!

We all know how very hard this is, how very close to impossible it seems, and how painful and frustrating it is. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE, AND WE HAVE ALL SURVIVED! And many of us here HAVE saved our Marriages.

Calm down, think, and give yourself more time. You need to start learning not to expect anything from your WW right now, and when you start doing that, her actions will affect you less, and the road will be easier.

I don't know your story, and I don't know what you've read and begun to learn, but please, give yourself a little time to read, learn and begin to understand. When I was feeling exactly like you're feeling now, one of the best things that happened to me was that I started reading about infidelity, and realized that what I was feeling was normal, that many other before me had felt exactly the same, and that they had made it. And that was the first step in this long road, the step which gave me the strength to go on, get over the anger and frustration, and begin to recover my M.

Read all of Dr. Harley's Articles and Q&A on Infidelity, get a hold of his book "Surviving An Affair (SAA), post, tell us your story, vent here, and you will soon see that you too can and will make it!

We know how very hard it is, we feel for you, and we're here to help. You are not alone!

TAKE A DEEP BREATH!! It will get better!

I know the feeling, been there many times, and the best thing to do is vent here!!!!

Take a deep breath, and try to do something to take your mind off!!

This is a normal feeling, Steve H. told me that Plan A would make me feel like a doormat!

I don't know if you have read "Surviving An Affair" but it explains the emotions you are having.

You have to "earn" your way out of this marriage ... and if you don't ... If you just up and leave without doing the necessary work on yourself ... you will take this pain with you.

Think about this ... you don't want to leave your family (not really) ... you want to escape the pain you're feeling......

You won't escape this pain if you leave ... you'll just be feeling this pain somewhere else.

OK to vent here though ... so vent away to your hearts content.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

First, go for a nice walk by yourself. Calm yourself down. If you can take a day for yourself...go to the beach, go shopping, go anywhere you enjoy being for a WHOLE day. You need to take a break from all this and pamper yourself. Try not to think of anything related to WW. Your stress and frustration levels are normal but, not very productive.

Once you have calmed down you need to seriously consider MC. IMHO new boundaries for your relationship are desparately needed. A MC can help the two you establish these boundaries. If you need IC for yourself so that you can vent and have someone listen exclusively to you then do it.

Now for the tough part...
Who told you it was easy to reconcile?
Who told you that after d-day all would be well?
Who told you you'd never get angry and frustrated?
Who told you your WW would automatically change her ways?
Who told you there would be balance and harmony in the post d-day interactions with WW?

...I doubt that anyone from MB would tell you those things!

...consider this the 'worse' and the 'sickness' part of you wedding vows.

It's not getting through the good times that makes a marriage stronger...it's getting through the bad times together that makes it stronger.

Heartaches,

Thanks, but I have been taking deep breaths for 4 months now. I never have showed any anger to my WW. -------------------
Thanks Space,
You do know my story, but you can't relate it to my screen name, hence I am a chameleon for WW reasons (sorry). You and others here have posted and helped me out so much in the past. I have been using this site and Plan A for 3 months. I know it does not seem long, but I think I need to quit to save my sanity.
--------------
going_crazy,

Can't think about anything else. I am stuck in this crappy frame of mind ever since D-day. The only good thing I can do now is Plan A.
-------------
Pepperband,

The only thing that kept me going this long is my love. I owe it to my children to try and work it out, but I do not want to try.

You are right, I really do not want to leave. I guess that is silly. I do think the pain will be less if I did Plan B. Everyone I read about that is doing Plan B says it feels much better that way. You do not have to deal with the ever day wear and tear like a Plan A would, but I guess Plan B is not giving up.
--------------
mgm ,

I agree. No one said any of this would be easy, I just can't help my feelings of hoplessness.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 05:56 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

Don't hide your feelings, she needs to be aware of the fact you are hurt and angry! Go to a counsellor anyway...a counsellor can either make a better marriage or a better divorce(if the marriage isn't going to work, your kids deserve an amicable divorce, right?). If your mood has been 'down' since d-day you may want to consider anti-depressants. They certainly helped me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and now my doc and I are weaning me off them!Consider them a temporary crutch not a permanent solution...just something to help you get through this extreme situation.

"Back to hiding my feelings again" .... excuse me Cham ... why are you hiding your feelings? Who told you to hide your feelings?

Pep

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

...just read your post to going-crazy...isn't hiding your feelings a LB????

Hiding my feelings may be an LB only if she finds out I am hiding them. Right?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I have troubles disclosing my feelings to her (hence the screen name).

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

chameleon:

I think I'm feeling much of the same emotions you're describing right now. It got long, but you might want to check out all the feedback I got on my thread "2longs 2rmoil" of the past few days.

You do need to tell your W how angry you are. If you don't, it will get worse to the point that you won't be able to stand being with her at all. I don't know how your life with her is other than what you've said here, but I wonder if there might be snippets of loving gestures or closeness from her that give you any hints that she's trying in some small way. If there are, try to encourage those, but don't get "wrapped around the axel" as JL described what *I* was doing, focus on yourself and dealing with your anger. Don't let it overcome your ability to think clearly.

My W is very burdened with work problems, too, and OM consults for her. She's been using that as an excuse to have continued contact, which is killing me. I've told her many times that I won't tolerate it, and yet it continues. I had to suggest this week that we get a DV if she insists on maintaining a R with OM to get her attention. We still haven't progressed beyond that issue, but I was able at least to firmly state my position and express my concerns and feelings about what she's continuing to do to our M. I think we need to do that semi-regularly in order to know where our Ss are "at". For me, the Cing sessions are too far apart with her. For you, there aren't any?

CHAM .... When you were a little boy .... WHO TOLD YOU to hide your feelings. Where and when did this become a "normal" way for you to function? Think back ... this is an important part of yourself for you to examine.

(((HUGS)))

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

2long,

I will look at your thread.

She is doing some loving jestures.

My wife regards me as her best friend.

We used to have "Cing" sessions about once or twice a week. They have slowed the past month when she started withdrawal. I am not sure why, but I just do not want to tell her anymore about my feelings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
---------------
Pepperband,

Part of this comes from my Dad's warped sense of marriage. He and Mom always used to fight and he would just sit there and take it. I used to think late at night listening to my Mom scream at him while I was crying in my room (stand up for yourself Dad). He said it was not worth the fight so he just accepted Mom for the pain she caused him and withdrawaled from the marriage. He used to tell me that this is just how marriages are. I believed him. Thought I had to suck up my feelings and be a man. Thought that the women was always right. Thought it was a sin to feel bad. I do not think that way anymore, but it sure is hard to get over this. I do not think I told my wife this, but it is my problem.

Now I feel prety da@$ sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Major mood swings here.

Maybe it is just that time of the month for me. WHAT! Guys can have those things too.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 05:59 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

Plan A isn't about stifling all your feelings. It's about relating your feelings in a way that isn't accusatory or demeaning.

You have every right to be MAD at the situation or MAD at how wife is treating you...however, it's NOT right to be mad at wife because you're keeping your feelings hidden. That's your choice, your decision...not hers. I'm not saying she'll react in a way you'd like if you let it all out...but that's HER choice, HER decision.

I know it's been a hellacious 3 months...but seriosly...that's not much. It took us 2 years. TWO YEARS. Roller coaster the entire time...painful the entire time. Pepper is right...leaving won't get rid of the problem or the pain.

Why don't YOU go to counseling. Forget marital counseling...go to individual...just for YOU! It would be a healthy choice both for yourself and your children.

chameleon:

You aren't doing yourself OR your W any favors by keeping your feelings to yourself. It will be HARD, but you have to find a way to tell her how you feel without worrying about how she'll react. (I just hope that people like Pepper, Spacecase, Still Seeking, CSue, Just Learning, and MANY others don't get all over me for THAT advice - because *I* wasn't taking it just a day and a half ago!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Hopefully, they can't see through the parentheses.

Anyway, try to find a way to express your feelings, and get her to express hers. You might find yourself eventually able to calmly tell her how badly you feel when she asks for R advice about her A!! That would slay me.

You are dealing with issues the same way your father did! He already proved to you that it wasn't very effective! You can change this!! Your feelings are just as important and just as valid as your WW's feelings.

As for the mood swings...at least consider the meds until the worst of this is over.

O.K. Maybe I can find a happy time this weekend to express myself and have some serious intimacy. We both have not talked intimately to each other in at least two weeks.

Hey Hope,
Why do I need an IC when I have you? Just kidin'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I have serious doubt issues about counseling, this goes back to my childhood and how my parents raised me. Never go to the doctor either. Same stupid stuff my parents did.

Who was it that said "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it?" Something to think about....