I want to start by saying I post under another name but I want my H to read this and he doesn't want to know my regular name I use here.

We have been trying to recover for almost 1 year but my H still denys that he had an A even though there is proof that he has.

I keep telling him that I can't sleep because thoughts of the A are always with me. I tell him that I need to know the truth or I can't trust him. I tell him that it's important that I know who she was because without that information my mind blows it up and makes me think it's every woman we know.

My H thinks I should be over it already and he said I should see a counselor because I'm not. I said we should go to marriage counselor but he won't (even though he says he will he doesn't mean it).

Can you people tell him that this isn't the way to handle this? Thanks ahead

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We have been trying to recover for almost 1 year but my H still denys that he had an A even though there is proof that he has.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, I wanted to ask, what kind of proof did you obtain? Did your proof show the signs of a PA (Physical Affair) or EA (Emotional Affair).

If it was an EA, your husband may not think he had an affair. If that is the case, your husband needs to understand what an EA is, and how it can be more damaging and hurtful. Also, you may want to show him some of "Tempted"'s posting

IMHO:

Is it "We" have been trying to recover or "I" have been trying to recover. Are you just being nice by saying "WE"? I think you may be. Ask him how he is trying to help in the recovery process and see how many times he brings up you inquiring about the A. Have him list at least 5 ways he is trying to help in recovery. I bet he does not come up with even one. You know the old saying: "if it walks like a duck...."

Why does he not want to know your user name? Does he really not care to see how you are feeling? Does not sound like he is willing to try recovery. Is not intimacy (revealing feelings not SF) the corner stone of any R and especially a marriage? Should he not be dying to see how you are feeling?

Dig up all the proof of the A and lay it out on the table. It is time you brought closure to the A occurring or not occurring. You need to start from D-day and get him to explain everything. Does he know that even though he was not physical with another women it could be still an affair just a EA. Some men will go to their grave arguing that only physical things make it an A. Or maybe it was not sex because there was no intercourse.

Just some of my thoughts. It sure is hard trying to understand the dynamics of the R without knowing much about either one of you. Just a shot in the dark.

You both should go to MC to help work all of this out. At least in MC there can be a mediator.

I found alot of love notes most weren't signed but one was signed by a girl he works with. They say things about his touch making her weak in the knees and whatnot. He said he don't know who they are from because he doesn't remember ever seeing them before. I get alot of hangup calls and caller ID had her phone number once the rest are allways blocked calls or from pay phones.

He says he never had sex with anybody and I explained ea to him but he just gets quiet. Sometimes he says he's not with anyone else but me and I always answer with maybe now you aren't. He gets mad and thinks I should just get over it but guess what I can't. I dream of him with a faceless woman alot and everytime we see any woman who acts too friendly with him I wonder if it's her.

I have tried every way I know from reading here to make him understand my point of view but he just moves on like nothing ever happened.

bump up for more help please

Mr Holding onto Hope,

If you want your wife to get over it, you are going to have to come clean, fully, honestly and without omission. Even if you know it will hurt her, even if you know it will cause a 'scene', even if you are now embarrassed by it, and see it as nothing NOW, even if you want to just forget about it....she cannot do that, so you must tell.

I was where your wife was. My soon to be ex husband would not admit anything, so I lay in bed at night turning things over, speculating, making up scenarios, and I can tell you this - it KILLED me. I could not function on a daily basis, and I could not 'get over it' because I didn't know EXACTLY what it was I had to get over!

When I finally got the truth, we were already separated, and had been for about four months. I had been grieving big time before then, and still running things through my head on a moment by moment basis. Adding things up, working things out and all that stuff, which wore me down continually. It was CRUEL that he did not tell me, because I never had the chance, while we were together to fix it. I did not know what to fix.

Once I found out that I in fact was NOT crazy for thinking my husband had been having an affair, I was able to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. I KNEW the situation, and yes it hurt, but I realised along the way that I was FAR more hurt, and in confusion and in pain, when I didn't know. If I had known when we were together, we might not be getting a divorce now. I would have known what I was dealing with, and a lot of the arguments we had would have been avoided, because most of them were along the lines of me asking for the truth.

Do you want to save your marriage, Mr H? The ONLY way you are going to do that, fully and with the best chance of success, is to tell your wife the truth. She loves you very much, or she would not be here trying to work out a way to save your marriage - and she WILL STAND IT. Tell her, no matter HOW you think she is going to take this. You OWE her honesty. That much should be hers.

Love and light, and the strength to be an honest man,

Jacky