Arggg. I have had it too. After four months of clean separated plan-A, I caved in last night. It all started when I wanted to pick up my son and to her "its not a good idea". My son wants to stay with me, but she wants control of the relationship/bond I have with him. My son is 4 years old. She is jealous of the fact that my son wants to stay with me so much.

For the last 2 years, it was always ME who did things for the children - I never knew why she didnt want to be involved. After the A was revealed, I finally figured out why. Now the children are very bonded to me due to the fact, it was ME who took them to the movies, park, chucky cheese, doctor, etc , everything.

Now since I separated, found my own place mainly because I didn't want to be the 'bad guy' and kick her out the house. I tried to be civil and did what was best for the kids - I moved out and brought not a thing with me.

I plan-A'ed for 4 months making very good progress in spite of my WW continuous contacts and deceptions.

Well, last night, I blew it - I did the tough love approach. Told her if she wants to be with xxxxx then I hope they will be happy together. My feelings for her are not the same, etc,etc. I opened the cage door wide open for her. No more meeting her ENs, no more Im waiting, etc. Its over - Im moving on. And the book is right - It gave me instant self respect, but I think the cost was my M.

Just venting here. Thanks for listening.

LaN

LiveAnew:

If you follow the MB Plans, then what you are ready for is Plan B---a no-contact situation in which you're not meeting her needs (or dealing with the reminders of the affair). That's not an end to the marriage---in fact, Plan B is often where you will save your marriage---but the main difference between that and "Tough Love" is that you're not moving on. You're just going into a self-protection mode.

You'll move on when you no longer really care. That'll be in a year or two (typically). You care right now---you're just pissed. Don't "react" to a WS---act in a way that's appropriate for you and the marriage. If you're not able to Plan A any more, then it's time for B.

Thanks K,

You are right. I still care and will always care - she is the mother of my children.
I guess that means I should write a plan-B letter. The only thing is it is very difficult to plan-B with children... Any suggestions on the best way to plan-B with children? Looks very much like the road I am heading towards. Another problem is that my W do not communicate feelings and when she does its with angry outburst. Very frustrating, but I still love her.

Hi LaN

I have been there and plan Bd with a success. My WH started treating me with more respect after plan B. I just hope I had been hanging in there a bit longer. His A ended, but he still wasn't ready to come home.

After 5 months of getting closer, he's pulled back again. I am suspecting there's OW#2.
After a month of watching him come and go. I had to go back to plan B, this is killing me.
It really is more about that self protection than moving on, I agree with K. Anyway, pretty hard to move on when you still love someone.

It's good to have a 3rd party helping with the exchange of the kids. If you can arrange it.
It worked for me, and in those 3 months I saw WH only twice. If you have to see her on those exchange occasions, plan A, make it short.

Plan B is very scary, for me it felt like cutting an arm off, major withdrawal. I too thought, this is it, my M is over. Well it wasn't, and still isn't.

Hang in there.

Do check out...
Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)...NSR...6/10/2000
2 year time frame?...already divorced...1/22/2000
Do WS's Ever REALLY Come Back after plan B, or is that just in the book?...Bernzini...8/11/2000
Plan B isn't for Wimps!...Resilient...9/9/2000
Plan B - 201...NSR...9/29/2000

About the child(ren)...

Planning out the logistics is critical...
1. If a third party can be introduced as intermediary for messages and when there are pick-ups or drop-offs... it would be great.
2. If not... being non-confrontational... non-emotional... is best (but LBs often happen)
3. NEVER fight in front of the child(ren)...
...even if you look weak... walk away...
...it's not weak... it's meek... a big difference
4. If correspondence can go through a third party (quickly enough)... use it...
...if not... consider e-mail.
5. Arrange designated times for her calls to your child and your calls to your child.
6. When she starts to complain about the 'no contact'... simply say... you've already spelled it out in the letter of 'month, day'...
7. Gradually work in as much parenting time as you can... as the stable parent.
8. TALK TO THE CHILD(REN)... explain your actions in simple terms...
a. You love the child... your spouse loves the child
b. You are always available to the child (and make that happen... at least by telephone)
c. Be honest... but not graphic about what your spouse is doing. (be age appropriate!)
d. Say the truth... at all ages... say the truth...
...to say something is right when its wrong... or wrong when its right... is helping you... your child... or your spouse!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Another rough weekend. WW called me Sunday, I was at my cemetery to visit my grandfather. WW jumped all over me over her financials and that is was me who "chose" to separate and moved out b.c. that I couldn't "handle it". WW told me "I made my bed, etc." Never once mentioned anything regarding her A.

I told her to call her new man if she want to blast someone and I hung up on her. WW kept calling me to try to hurt me more.

I can not take this anymore. Everything is my fault and she is accepting zero responsibility. I dont even have the motivation for plan-B now. My LB$$ is definitely in the red. My WW is not the same person I loved.

I am hurting & grieving.