i can't seem to shake it...

i think/feel that my husband should have a better wife...
i think/feel that i don't deserve my husband's love...
i think/feel that the things that i've done and the lies that i've told are unforgivable...
i think/feel that i need to be punished, but no amount of punishment will ever be enough...
i think/feel that what i've destroyed can never be repaired...

i want to discuss all of these things with my husband, but i don't... why?...

because i think/feel like this is my problem and he deserves a break...
because i hope that somehow he's not thinking about this too and i certainly don't want to remind him...

any suggestions?...

oaktown...

oaktown,

What you have is guilt. Extreme guilt actually. If you read other posts by WS's, you are not alone with this.

Read this: A letter from trueheart (WS) to WS. Here at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=010715
Also, try to get you H to come to this site.

wwl

<small>[ July 19, 2002, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: wrestlingwithlove ]</small>

wrestlingwithlove...

thanks for the response... i was searching through the notable post earlier this week and ran across truehearts post... it left me speechless...

my husband knows about this site... he knows that i read here a lot and that i post here sometimes... he says that this is my new addiction...

i wish that i thought that there was some way to right the wrong that has been done... i feel the need to apologize to my husband all the time... i've stopped because he says that it's not necessary, that he's forgiven me and i should now leave it alone...

i want to tell my husband that i love him all the time, but somehow with all the things that i've done it doesn't sound sincere...

i worry that somehow i'm going to destroy what's left of my marriage because somehow i can't seem to let this go and put it behind me...

oaktown...

OT;

First of all a big, big MB hug!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you spoken to your H about this? Does he know of MB, been here?

I think you should lovingly let him know you need his help, that you are feeling some things that you need help with, and would he do this for you?

I believe that if he comes here and learns a bit about this, he'll be glad to do it.

I would give my right arm for my WW to come to me and tell me this, ask for my help...I truly believe that doing this for her would be the greatest healer for both of us there could ever be.

<small>[ July 20, 2002, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

oaktown,

Another thing to consider, counseling. It would possibly give you some perspective(professional) as to why you feel the way you do.

Also, you dont want to discuss :
i think/feel that my husband should have a better wife...
i think/feel that i don't deserve my husband's love...
i think/feel that the things that i've done and the lies that i've told are unforgivable...
i think/feel that i need to be punished, but no amount of punishment will ever be enough...
i think/feel that what i've destroyed can never be repaired...

i want to discuss all of these things with my husband, but i don't... why?...

Because you are afraid of hurting him more, pushing him away, or scared by what his reaction would be.

wwl

ps Truehearts post left me speechless, and I'm the BS.

<small>[ July 20, 2002, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: wrestlingwithlove ]</small>

spacecase...

thanks for taking the time to respond... (somehow i feel like i don't deserve your time either)...

we haven't discussed this in a while... my husband tends to get tired of me repeating myself and i don't want to annoy him with this once more... he really seems to have moved on... i feel out of character as a ws in that i don't want to forget about it/sweep it under the rug/pretend that it didn't happen... i want to talk to my husband about it... i want to know how it has/is making him feel...

right after my husband found out, i had a lot of difficulty talking to him about what happened... answering his questions was not easy, and i did not do a good job... i told him then that i thought we need to have a series of conversations, that one or two question and answer sessions would not be enough...

it seems like he needed his answers then,then,then (sort of take the bad medicine and get it over with)... i on the other hand needed to find my mind, my words and the space to really discuss this with him openly/freely and fully examine what happened... we obviously needed to processed this differently...

by the time i got far enough over the embarrassment, the fact that i was having to discuss something with my husband that i never thought i would have to discuss and let my emotions recede from the om, too much time had gone by... i lost my credibility...

he drew some conclusions due to my lack... there's a hurt in him that i don't think will ever be repaired... what to do?...

oaktown...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by oaktown:
<strong>spacecase...

thanks for taking the time to respond... (somehow i feel like i don't deserve your time either)...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't you EVER say this! You are a brave and courageous soul, and you deserve more respect that many of us here. I, for one, admire you for what you've done, and what you are trying to do.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
...he drew some conclusions due to my lack... there's a hurt in him that i don't think will ever be repaired... what to do?...

oaktown... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me tell you a short story; about 14 years ago, my W had another A. Back then we lived in another country, in a world very different from this. I had no idea of the existence of books about this, or things like MB, nothing.
Well, basically I forced my W to end the A, we went to a counselor once, and that was it. Over, move on.
We never talked about it, we never processed it, found out why/how it happened, nothing.
Today, as we're struggling through the devastation af another A of my W's, it has become very, very clear that many of the things that broke us apart, that dissolved the respect, trust, and glue that bound us together, originated in that first A.
Having made that mistake back then, because of lack of knowledge, we may have doomed our M forever. I have very serious doubts that we will be able to save it this time, because we have grown SO far apart for so long, and we both have such long simmering resentments, distrust and lack of respect, that I fear we may never be able to bridge them.
Be that as it may, the moral of the story is; Do not, under any circumstances, allow an affair to go unprocessed; it WILL come back to haunt you!

Talk to your husband, but don't apologize or beg or anything like that. Tell him this:
"H, I know you have said that this is enough and we no longer need to keep talking about this. But I have read and learned a lot about what happened to us, and I fear what it may do to us if we do not process this completely. (Tell him my story if you wish). Because I fear what I have learned, and I so want our love to last forever, would you please do this one thing for me? Take a little time and read about this, and help me process this with you, so that we can feel safe in moving on.

Or something to that effect. Appeal to his male sense of "solution", his sense of logic and order, rather than his feelings. Perhaps that might help. Have him read SAA, or any of the books that discusses how to do this, then let him decide...I am almost certain he will agree and do it. Try it and LMK!

Big hug again!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oaktown:

Big point to be made here, right now.

You care about your M and you acknowledge what you did was wrong.

That's half the battle toward recovery. Believe me, if my WW were talking anything like you do here to your H, I'd be the happiest H on the planet's surface. I mean that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wrestlingwithlove:
<strong>Another thing to consider, counseling. It would possibly give you some perspective(professional) as to why you feel the way you do.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wwl...

this counseling thing is something that i resist... i know why i feel the way i do... it's because i allowed myself to convince myself that it was ok to do something that can be called nothing but wrong... calling it a mistake my be the politically correct thing to do but my inner voice knows that it was wrong... i let my personal god down...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wrestlingwithlove:
<strong>Because you are afraid of hurting him more, pushing him away, or scared by what his reaction would be.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, to all of the above...

oaktown...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>Appeal to his male sense of "solution", his sense of logic and order, rather than his feelings. Perhaps that might help.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">spacecase...

thank you, you've turned the light bulb on!!! much appreciation for the male perspective... because i have no one that i can discuss this with i feel like i'm in a void... secrets can be a terrible thing... they cut you off from your support network...

i very much want to process this and i need to do it with my husband... although my husband is not willing to discuss it, i know that he's reading some of the threads... curiosity gets the best of him... i leave plenty of threads lying around... i must print a hundred pages a day...

i'm hoping that as the shame/horror of it all diminishes i'll find ways to discuss it with him... in the mean time i'm here daily...

oaktown...

2long...

thanks for the thumbs up... i've been following your thread and coming from you it means a lot...

oaktown...