Once I found out that my husband was flirting online. I was shocked. Deeply saddened but completely completely shocked. In the past two years we have lost a child and I miscarried twins. During both pregnancies I was very ill and hospitalized often. I’m one of the lucky women who cannot eat during pregnancy but rather throw up all day once the hormones are a high enough level. We want a child, so I would do anything for that.

Both of our coping skills were pressed to the maximum. I withdrew to deal with just getting by day by day. My husband escaped into online gaming. During my pregnancies, I was very ill. So ill that I was bedridden for months. We moved a bed into the computer room so we could be together. Throughout all of this, my husband was devoted. Checked on me regularily, did what he could. During my illness with the second pregnancy, he began an EA with a flirty woman online. Her story as I know it is she is married, will never leave her husband and feels she is a “writer”. She calls him her special friend her online lover. She does this with more than one, for I also read about the arguments they had about that. I could see she was using him for whatever.. get her kicks, help her self esteem. My husband did the same. They also had phone calls. As far as it got when my name was mentioned my H. said she doesn’t love me, I don’t love her. Im leaving her. Then a bit later in their correspondence, he pretended he moved out. None of this was true. He never left. He never made any move to. It was all “just pretend”.

I finally confronted him. Told him I had read what he wrote. Asked about the phone calls. Asked him which behavior reflected his true feelings. His love and devotion to me or his online fling. I asked when he was leaving. I asked if he loved her. I was strong and I did it nicely. It wasn’t a fight, it was a request for information. Before I did this, I showed my love for him and we were working on communicating better. He really seemed to respond to the suggestions given by the books cited on this sight. We discussed it a lot. He was very upset I knew. He felt that he wasn’t hurting anyone, that they were just friends and I was seeing things that aren’t there. He again reassured me He loved me, that he married me and he could not see his life without me. He assured me he didn’t want to move away, break up or live without me in any way. We continued to talk about it. I made a list of items describing what I thought were appropriate online relationships and then we discussed them. He agreed that cybersex was wrong, agreed phone calls were off limits and that no gifts should be sent without my knowledge. I felt we had made real headway. We spent lovely weeks together getting closer and discussing issues. He was devoted and loving as he has always been.

Then I snooped again. Same old crap, but less messenging. An indication he had told her no more phone calls and limited contact. But * nuzzle * and * Kiss* from both parties in the messages. I missed you from him, and a I will always be here for you from her (whenever he changes his mind and wants to come back online). It was tame compared to the past but still sickening. You see it is evident in the messaging that this woman doesn’t want him in real life, she just wants him to be her online adorer.. and this too is what my husband wants. I was again Floored! I mean what does this mean now??

I confronted him again. Again I got.. You snooped.. You betrayed me. You are the one in the wrong. We were doing so well. I was honest (not really but partially). If you hadn’t read it you wouldn’t be upset. Its your fault.. You are sabotaging us with your suspicions. Ok then he cools down. Reaffirms his love for me. Tells me again its nothing. It means nothing to him. But He doesn’t regret it, and will not stop. He told me he was doing nothing wrong like cybersex and its all just harmless banter. They are just friends. He also admits he wouldn’t want me doing it. It would hurt him terribly if I did (but even knowing this he can’t seem to stop). He knows he is being unfair and anyone looking at this from the outside would think hes a real creep. I asked if it was an impulsive thing, he says yes it is. He would never leave me. He loves me. I am his wife. I have him in real life. He loves his life. He gets off the computer whenever I want (which is true). Why am I stressing us out by bringing this up ( my fault? I mean if he didn’t do it, I wouldn’t be upset??)

I’m flabbergasted. He’s a good talker. I believe he loves me and couldn’t live without me. I really really do. That is why I just don’t understand how he can do it and look me in the eye and claim devotion. I love him, only him and I show it regularly. He loves me and shows it regularly. He never plays in the computer room unless I am there and comes to bed with me when I go. We even play online together sometimes. I love our life. If I didn’t know he did this, and we hadn’t lost the babies, I would believe I have one of the best husbands in the world. We really do like each other. We have great conversations, We spend all our time together. We hate being apart.

He has no complaints, he says it isn’t me. I say it’s a relationship issue and it means we need to work on it. He committed to reading Love Busters with me. He agrees to my terms of no phone contact, no flowers (sent only once after she and he fought). I agreed not to snoop. (Something I hate anyway). We agree to continue to work on the online issue. To be open about it (as open as he can be… he tends to lie when confronted). He has said he feels it is his problem and hates that it hurts me. He feels that its just ego stroking and does not show lack of loyalty to me (we disagree on this). He feels our marriage is perfect (if I could just live with this one little thing and he feels it is a little thing, I don’t.) I say I feel it isn’t a little thing and we need to work on it more, until we can agree and we can both live with it. He agrees.

I would really like to contact this woman’s husband. I mean he is probably as in the dark as I was. I feel this is just my desire for someone else to have to take responsibility and my inability to direct the anger solely at my husband. I would like her world shook up as she is shaking up mine. Unfortunately, I know where she works but no last name. This is more a fantasy for me, but I really hope Karma exists. I mean she knew what my H and I were going through and she swooped in when he was at his weakest. She even knew me from our online guild. She doesn’t know the truth though, my H doesn’t speak of me to her or of any real issues. He just wants compliments and love messages from her, not any real insight into his life because he doesn’t speak of real life, he speaks only of fantasies. She tries to get real information, and my husband, the artful dodger uses his abilities to dodge the question. He is really good at that.

Any thoughts?

Luci

Luci--

First, I am so sorry for your losses. We lost a daughter, Lauren, at birth years ago and I know how hard that was for both of us, as we loved her dearly. I hope you are doing well with that.

Secondly, yes, your H is having an online EA (emotional affair). He probably truly doesn't see it that way, but when sharing of thoughts and feelings that should be done with you are done with someone else, that is an EA.

What to do? I wouldn't waste time & energy to try to convince him its an affair...he will be very defensive, and trying to educate your spouse can be a lovebuster...as Steve Harley says "if you don't have a student in the room, don't teach." The fact that your H is willing to read Lovebusters and work on the MB materials here is a good sign. Try to incorporate the Rules into your relationship as well. Basically, if one follows both the Rule of Protection (don't do things that hurt your partner) and the rule of honesty, there is no room for an affair or an over-the line friendship.

Meanwhile, work on your own communication as a couple. He obviously gets something out of this online friendship. Figure out what it is, and try to be the one that meets that emotional need for him. Spend as much recreational, fun time together as you can...it builds bonds.

Finally, a thought...your H may be hurting over your losses more than either of you realize. He may feel depressed, failed, like he should be able to protect you from hurt. My H's c felt one factor in the depression that led to his EA was that he had never really grieved losing our D. Men sometimes don't show their hurt, but it may still be there.

I think you guys can get thry this. Good luck!

Kathi

Yes, this is an emotional affair and there are many marriages that ended in divorce over them. I agree with everything that Kathy said, but I wanted to comment about the snooping thing.

You had good reason to snoop and your suspicions were proven right. You have an obligation to investigate it when someone is harming you behind your back. Your husband does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind you back.

So, please don't feel guilty about snooping - you did the right thing. You would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person and had every reason to snoop. As much as he might not like to hear the truth, his own actions have told you that he is untrustworthy and WORTHY to be snooped on. You were completely justified and haven't a thing to be embarrassed about. The FBI does not feel "guilty" when they spy on suspected terrorists. It is the same principle here.

One thing that RESTORED my marriage to trust was putting spy software on my husband's computer. He also had an online affair. By checking his chat logs I was able to see for myself that there was no affair anymore. Since you can't trust his word, it's best to verify what he says. Remember, he has proven he will lie so it's best not to take his word for it until he PROVES he can be trusted again.

With the spy software, I did not have to wonder anymore, I KNEW exactly what was going on and it brought me untold release from anxiety and helped me fall back in love with him.

<small>[ July 20, 2002, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Luci,
Something else I would suggest is asking him to send a no contact letter to the OW. Your marriage will begin recovery from this affair once contact ends completely. This will be a huge first step in your recovery in that it will show that he places the protection of your interests before the OW. It will also do much to help him restore trust in your marriage. This is one of the steps recommended by Harley and I think it is a very good one.

<<<He feels that its just ego stroking and does not show lack of loyalty to me -- we disagree on this.>>>

Join the club. My husband spent years soaking up all the ego-stroking he could get from the chickies at work. He insisted there was nothing wrong with that -- insists to this day it was all normal and professional workplace behavior -- and he was amazed I'd be upset about it because, you see, he "always came home to me at the end of the day."

<<<He feels our marriage is perfect -- if I could just live with this one little thing and he feels it is a little thing, I don&#8217;t. -- >>>

Yep, I have gotten these same exact words. How could such a little thing like a few harmless private off-site dates with his co-workers ruin our otherwise very good marriage?

Oh, excuse ME -- those weren't dates, those were "extensions of the workday." How could *I* let such a trivial little thing spoil our relationship?

<<<I say I feel it isn&#8217;t a little thing and we need to work on it more, until we can agree and we can both live with it.>>>

Good luck. I've been battling this for over two years and have gotten nowhere. These people convince themselves they've done nothing wrong, and they will do anything to avoid feeling guilty and having to look like the bad guy.

If they admit it was wrong, they'd be saying their wonderful marvelous friends were wrong, too -- that they were really just cheap sluts who date married men.

That loyalty is very, very strong. They'll betray *you* in a heartbeat, but they'll never in a million years say anything bad about their pals. It would be the same as saying something bad about themselves, and when you've got an ego the size of planet it's just not gonna happen.

Good luck. You may have more success than I did. But be prepared to dig in for a long, hard battle.

Psycho_B***h

Everquest sucks doesn't it? I am going through the exact same thing. I played with my husband also. It is a strange fantasy world that sucks them in and us real life spouses get lost in the shuffle. Beware. Keep us posted. Check out past posts by myself Knewjie and H. Knewjie and H went through the EQ thing and I am in the middle of it. You will see a lot of similarities.
Good luck,
Layli

Thanks everyone for the support. This is so hard sometimes. I hope my H. comes out of the fog someday but its tough when he feels so badly but won't acknowledge why and let us call it an affair and then deal. Layli, I tried searching for your first posts as you described what happened to you but couldnt. Would you be interested in exchanging email addresses? I would love to discuss this issue with someone else who is having problems with online gaming. My game is DAOC, we played everquest together last year. Most of the time I know hes doing harmless stuff, and Im always in the room with him so he can't get too overly involved. I ask alot of questions if he starts typing madly. Let me know if you want to chat about dealing with online games.

Luci

<small>[ July 20, 2002, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: Luci ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by layli:
<strong>Everquest sucks doesn't it? I am going through the exact same thing. </strong>

You are *so* right about Everquest. After a whole lot of wrangling and a bit of lying from my WW about it (usually followed by a confession, I can happily say) she's finally said that she's ready to quit both Evercrack and the online OM she met through that damn game. The night after she said this, though, she got on Yahoo Messenger and talked to the OM again, partly so she could show him the erotic story she's writing based on what the two of them did and talked about while in the Everquest world. But once again, she confessed this to me and let me read the transcript of this chat. I thanked her for her honesty and did my best to explain in a non-LB way why it was important for me and for us that she never contact the OM again, that every time she does that the clock on her recovery from withdrawal and on our relationship's recovery gets set back to zero.

She doesn't like to hear these things from me. She says she feels like I'm demanding instant perfection from her and not giving credit for progress. After all, that was the longest time she had ever spent not speaking to the OM, she says. I've thanked her for her efforts and told her that I can tell that this is hard on her and hard for her to do, but we cannot heal and I cannot heal until the OM is no longer in the picture. And that's not being said as a demand, it's simply the way things work in a marriage.

<strong> I played with my husband also. It is a strange fantasy world that sucks them in and us real life spouses get lost in the shuffle. </strong>

Amen to that. That's a big reason why I will *not* play Evercrack. Not surprisingly, many Everquest addicts will heartily recommend that the best way to deal with the spouse that doesn't like the amount of time you spend in front of the computer is to get the spouse to play the game too. I had come across this amazingly stupid suggestion long before my WW relayed it to me... which is why I was prepared to look her in the eye and give an unyielding "NO." when she did.

<strong> Beware. Keep us posted. Check out past posts by myself Knewjie and H. Knewjie and H went through the EQ thing and I am in the middle of it. You will see a lot of similarities. </strong>

I know a couple of message boards on Yahoo that I would also recommend to people who have Evercrack addicted spouses... they've been great sources of information and support for me.

Everquest Widows: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EverQuest-Widows/

Spouses Against Everquest: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spousesagainsteverquest

Right now, I mainly hanging on by my fingernails. Waiting, watching, using Plan A and hoping that she'll stick to what she said about quitting Evercrack and her online in-game OM. Because she still has install disks for Everquest hidden in the house that I don't think she knows that I know about. That and some messages that she's sent to her guildmates leaves the distinct impression that she hasn't totally closed the door on Everquest... she's got it propped open for a possible return. And I already mentioned that she contacted her OM not long after she said that she wouldn't. As far as I know, that hasn't happened again. But I will have to come out and ask at some point whether she's stuck to the no-contact rule since then.

I'm really hoping Plan A will work. Because if it comes down to a Plan B, knowing her as I do, she will probably never come back. Even if she does, I fully expect that my WW will dive headfirst into a sexual relationship with someone else, probably the OM or maybe a whole *lot* of somebody elses that are nearby and available. And if that were to happen, I probably would not want to take her back. One of the few good things I can say about this situation with my WW is that I have seen no evidence of her having a physical A with someone else. If that changes, even if Plan B is in effect, I don't think I could ever accept her back into my life.

Thanks for paying attention to my first post on the Marriage Builders forum.

Hey you guys, you know I think it helps knowing you aren't the only one going through it. You guys are more than welcome to email me
mcmcfie@yahoo.com
I bet we have sooo many similarities. If I email you I can send you links to my past posts. I can't figure out how to include them like everyone else. In my first session with Steve he said that this EQ thing was an epidemic. I feel like kicking myself. but you know, I played Dark age of Camelot also. Tried getting involved. Huge story. My posts were under my husbands internet affair. Please email me so i can send you my posts. Keep your chin up. my guess is all 3 of us are more amazing than any pretend EQ or DAOC person.
Hugs to both of you!
Layli

I agree with all the suggestions and advice given you so far.

It is perfectly understandable that you snooped. His actions are what broke your trust in him, he has continued to lie. If you continue to check up on him you may want to lay low about it. If you confront him then he may find ways to hide what he is doing.

Being in the same room with him doesn't mean what he is typing is ok. I know I've been there. I assumed my h was innocently speaking with someone but when I checked he was up to his same old games.

You said that your h wouldn't want you doing what he is doing. That is interesting considering he doesn't seem to understand why your upset by his actions. If he is able to comprehend that he would not want you to have such a relationship then he also comprehends that his relationship with the ow is WRONG.

Why does he need to communicate with another woman in such a way if he feels his marriage is perfect. Instead of spending his time online with others, that time could spent with you. Don't give in to his innocent act. Keep a watchful eye on him.

You know, I spent quite a bit of time on the Everquest widows sight. I still don't understand the appeal but I still agree with what this site has to say about plan A-ing. I think for the past few weeks I have allowed myself to be lulled into I guess a bit of complacency. I have had so many things going on. I guess I needed a break for awhile from the whole affair. Today I recieved some paper work on a loan against my retirement so I can buy a house. I pick the letter out of the mailbox and right on top is a letter from the OW.
I can't believe they communicate so freely. Like it shouldn't bother me at all. Then I realize that not only are they so wrapped up in the game they haven't a care for what it does to me or anyone else. I realize life is a game to them. I know the only way my husband will get into recovery is to move to washington and be with the OW. Whoever reads this I just hope you realize, the internet is as bad as a bar. There are choices to be made around every corner. Watch your spouses, and please, don't ever assume they are "just talking" or "it's harmless"
It's not.
Layli

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Yes, this is an emotional affair and there are many marriages that ended in divorce over them. I agree with everything that Kathy said, but I wanted to comment about the snooping thing.

You had good reason to snoop and your suspicions were proven right. You have an obligation to investigate it when someone is harming you behind your back. Your husband does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind you back. </strong>

Just wanted to add my support and agreement to these statements before moving on to the rest of the post. One thing that helped me when I needed to snoop on my WW is that she had a habit of always saving transcripts of online chats that she engaged in. She also told me that I could read them if I wanted, because it would help "keep her honest".

Go figure... when all the stuff about the OM came to light, suddenly WW didn't want to save all of her messages to him or keep them where I could find them. Just the ones where they were trying to be careful enough in what they were saying so as not to give away what was really going on. Not careful enough, but they were trying. Guess she didn't want to be "kept honest" anymore.

One thing that I'll always be grateful to the Everquest Widows message board for is their information on how to turn on the message logs for Everquest. Once I was able to see what she was typing and what messages she was receiving in Everquest, I found out what she was *really* doing when she thought I couldn't look. And what she was doing was exactly what she told me she wasn't doing anymore: cybersex, long sessions of it, with her OM and many other partners too. Later she admitted to the cybersex and stopped doing that, but she would still be doing all kinds of other things that demonstrated her commitment to her EQ OM. Like going through "bonding rituals" and getting engaged to one of the OM's characters in the game.

Then one day she was typing stuff on Everquest that she felt the need to save (an erotic story based on what WW and her OM have been doing and talking about in the game)... so WW turned on message logging herself (not knowing that it was on already) and then tried to figure out why there was so much stuff logged that was time-stamped before she turned on the logging feature. She eventually got the idea that I was probably reading her logs and then she started telling people in Everquest that I was reading her message logs and that she was allowing me to. This revelation may have played a part in her decision to give up Everquest and her in-game OM... I can't say for sure.

<strong> One thing that RESTORED my marriage to trust was putting spy software on my husband's computer. He also had an online affair. By checking his chat logs I was able to see for myself that there was no affair anymore. Since you can't trust his word, it's best to verify what he says. Remember, he has proven he will lie so it's best not to take his word for it until he PROVES he can be trusted again.

With the spy software, I did not have to wonder anymore, I KNEW exactly what was going on and it brought me untold release from anxiety and helped me fall back in love with him.</strong>

This is something I've been strongly considering, but I don't know which software package I should use. What program do you use, what features about it do you like, and would you recommend it to others in this same situation, like me?

Just to clarify, I do not think that it is always harmless but there are times when he is just playing the game. And then there are times when he is I am sure chatting with OW. There may even be more than one OW. What I read on the computer was an ICQ history and just reading that just killed me. I guess I am afraid to read the rest. I know how to read the DAOC game log but havent had the opportunity yet but will probably have to eventually. Once I read stuff on his computer and it was all harmless stuff. This situation is new in that it happened after our losses. MY H is on antidepressants and is trying to get help that way. My concern is that an additional cause of his depression now is this relationship he is having. He KNOWS its wrong, He has said as much but has not processed how wrong it is. As someone somewhere else said, he doesnt want to be a bad guy. I even read where the other women asked him if she thought she was evil doing what she does. He of course said no. They seem to know its wrong but yet cannot stop it.

We have 3 computers so we do not share one. I would love to use the spy software to monitor him but I can't install it without him knowing I did it. I was wondering if anyone has used the keyboard one, it seems you can use that without actually logging into the computer. Has anyone had experience with this?

Luci

Just an update on that which consumes my life right now.

My husband came home from work today and he felt “weak and exhausted”. I asked him to sit down so I could rub his neck. Then he said that He was really scared when he thought I was leaving. I had just discovered he was still sending love notes to the OW via icq. I wrote a note saying I don’t understand. I love you but I don’t understand why you are doing this. You have to make a choice. I am not a toy. I taped it next to the icq messages to her on his computer screen and then left the house. I was really upset when I wrote this. I didn’t want him to worry so I called his cell and told him where I was going and said I was too upset to talk to him. He talked me into meeting him at the pharmacy and then we spoke. He again reiterated that he loved me, but feels that I do not trust him and I am ruining our relationship because of him. I told him I would come home with him and that I didn’t want to leave but this hurt me so much.

I told him I was only going to a friends because I was upset and I wasn’t leaving him, I love him but this online “friend” thing hurt me a great deal. He said I will not feel guilty about this. I will not regret this, its just friendship. I decided that I am going to show you that behavior speaks louder than words. (by this he means that he is not leaving me and that he loves me but the online friend is just ego stroking that mean nothing to him). That he will drop everything whenever I ask to show his love for me. It seems he will do anything EXCEPT stop the online friendship that is hurting me. He said online friends come and go, you shouldn’t be threatened by it. I love you. I asked do you mean to tell me that I should just learn to get used to you doing this? I said I cannot do that, it hurts too much. I also said I can’t do the same to you because I don’t feel that way for others. I don’t mind if you have friends online, but the messages I was seeing did not indicate friendship, they are romance messages. He feels I am really be unfair to him because he has been trying so hard to be loving in all other ways except this. I acknowledged some loving things he has done and said we shall just have to continue to work on this issue.

Is He just in a fog and won’t admit that what he is doing is wrong? Should I just continue to be loving and clear that this behavior is unacceptable to me but I am willing to talk it through as long as it takes until we are both satisfied? My plan is to continue to read the LB book together and talk about each LB to identify those which we each do. He has committed to doing this with me. I then hope to move onto His needs her needs and work on those issue hoping he will come to realize what I mean by acceptable boundaries. I am willing to go to counseling but he is really anti counseling and this will take some time and work to get to. I hope that through this process, he will see that a no contact letter to OW is necessary and then we can really work on recovery.

bad bad day. I need help.
Luci

Luci are you still there? What's going on?

Luci,

I am sorry for your losses. Several years ago I gave birth to still born twins. Like you I was unable to eat through the entire pregnancy and was sick for months afterwards. That in and of itself is very stressful. You sure don’t need the rest of this.

If you look at my signature block at the end of this post you will see my ‘short story’. I know more about Internet infidelity then I care to. It’s epidemic. People go online thinking that it’s safe so they are easily sucked into it. It’s a very strong medium. It deludes people into thinking that what they are experiencing is real. But in reality what is so seductive about it is that it engages our minds.. our largest and most active sexual organ. It’s very easy to be anyone you want online. I think of it as interactive pornography. And those involved think they are writing the most proactive love/pornography novel ever read. (Though most of us would just say it’s trash.)

Very often it moves from the ego stroking and conversation stages to the suggestive flirtation, then to cyber sex, phone sex and then to meeting the person. I saw that pattern over an over in all of my H’s on line relationships.

Ok so your H is deluded that he is not having an affair. There is another way to approach this.

You feel the same way about him doing this, as he would feel about you doing it. It hurts.

He is speaking badly about you behind his back… no love, leaving, yada yada. That is not loving/caring/protective of you. If he is saying something that he would not say to your face, then he is having inappropriate conversations/chats. Being protected/cared for/admired/adored are some of your EN’s. If he starts to meet these he will have to give up the internet stuff.

While you were so ill, your H’s ego suffered.. he could do nothing for you and the children. He did not have you around to stroke his ego.. men are very needy this way (sorry guys it’s true for all the guys I know). So start stroking is ego, have great conversations with him. Just get him busy and happy.

As for the snooping. He’s right you don’t trust him now. He has given you reason to not trust him. Don’t apologize for it. He needs to do proactive things to prove his trustworthiness to you on a daily basis from here on out. Read about radical honesty and no privacy in marriage. There is a reason for this.

This is filling a need in your H’s life. Find out what it is and fill it. Then the drive may go away.

He was the BS in his previous marriage so he understands what infidelity feels like.
Now if you did this my way…. I’d find out her home phone number and anything else you can. Then call/email whatever to her. Tell her that he has never left etc. That both of them are using each other. Then tell her that you are going to contact her H if she ever contact her H again. I know that there are people here who will say I am off base on this one.. that you have to let the affair end naturally.. In my case I contacted every woman I could find on my H’s buddy list (30 out of 60 names). That was how I found the 10 he was having affairs with. He had told them that he was a single dad. I told them the truth and asked them to but out of our lives. For the ones who were more persistent, I got more persistent. Sometimes you have to fight for the things that are important to you. In my case I was lucky because my H did not revolt against what I did. He just said that under the circumstances it was my prerogative.

At the point that I did this, I did not care because I figured our relationship was a sham and it was over. But instead we found MB and have used it to rebuild our relationship.

Then we installed tracking software on all of our computers, he gave me the passwords to all of his email and chat accounts. My H and I no longer chat except with family members and very few close friends. I do chat with a few of the people from MB at times but I always tell him who they are and which chat I’m using. If I expect him to do it, then I must do it too.

I hate chat now.

Its been a bad night. My H and I discussed the online relationship but he still persists that it is harmless and that what he typed was just lies. I explained what I was going through and how it still hurts and I can't handle it. I am usually the strong one but I am already low because of the losses. I cant take another one. In fact, I dont think he can either. He told me he dreamed I left him and so he committed suicide. He cant seem to deal with this. He just wants me to be assured by the fact that he loves me and has no intent of leaving me. To him, those are the magic words and Im supposed to be better. Today he took a leave of absence from work because he is too upset to work. Im off work too. I will go back in August. I have an appt with a counselor tomorow. He wont go but he is on antidepressants. I know that what happened weakened us both but I feel his way of coping with it is only multiplying our problems and I am at a loss as to how to deal. He thinks Im the problem because I am hurting him with my suspicions. He will in no way take responsibility that he caused the suspicions.

Luci

<small>[ July 24, 2002, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: Luci ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BenFoldsFan:
[QB
This is something I've been strongly considering, but I don't know which software package I should use. What program do you use, what features about it do you like, and would you recommend it to others in this same situation, like me?[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ben,

The software that I use is Starr Home version and it records all keystrokes and both sides of AOL chats. There are some chats that it cannot get BOTH sides, such as MSN chat in their spades game room. It costs $40 and you can get it online. What you do is DL the trial version and then call with your credit card # and get a code that you input. It is REAL IMPORTANT to get that code otherwise, it will stay as a trial version and everytime the computer is restarted, it will show a reminder! And you don't want that. I installed it in the "invisible mode" so my WS cannot detect it. It is real easy to operate. www.iopus.com

Hugs to Luci,
I was so sorry to hear about your fight with WH. I think you are doing a good job of fighting the battle with the gaming thing. My WH's addiction started a few months after a bad car wreck we were in. He ended up out of work and feeling useless. Please urge him to get help. If you can afford it I would call the Harley's. Steve seems pretty adept at getting the whole internet gaming thing. Really focus on plan a right now.
Don't get lax about offering him appealing things to do with you instead of being online.
I agree, what he is doing IS compounding your problems. Now is the time for you to be proactive, no matter how unfair it seems. Be the charming wonderful gal I know you are. Dr Harley told me when I saw WH chatting with OW or asking me to call her on cell phone to tell WH that it really hurt me he was still in contact with her. Be open and honest and most importantly non judgemental. This online gaming thing can mushroom very fast. Maybe you guys could calmly talk about creating a comfort boundary so to speak. Don't deny him the friendship but maybe point out certain aspects that make you uncomfortable.
I began with my WH by raging at him about his char getting married in EQ then I went to complacency, figuring since I trusted hubby and he would NEVER cheat on me I was ok.
Ignoring isn't the solution either as you can see how far that one got me.
Find a happy middle and remember, find ways to get him off the game.
Please keep me posted.
Big hug to you, hang in there.
You are in my prayers,
Layli