My mind is driving me crazy (if that makes any sense) My WH says he is firmly committed to making our M better. D.Day was 5/7/02 after his 2 year PA.

I've asked lots of questions and he has answered them all as best he could. He cant explain why the A happened but I believe he's been honest with everything else.

After each bout of questioning him I firmly decide to stop and not think about it or ask anymore questions. Then after a while more things pop into my head.

The latest question is when and how did they first start telling each other they loved each other and who said it first.

If I ask will I be LB'ing? And if I shouldnt ask how do I stop thinking these destructive thoughts?

Sometimes its like once I have a question I cant keep it in no matter what I try to do. It's like I have no control over my myself anymore?

How have others dealt with this?

Robyn

Only ask the question if you really want to know and are prepared for any answer you recieve.. Remember that when you think of the past you are at risk of developing more mistrust and resentments that you may have already worked out.
If you need closure ask. If not it can become almost an obsession that will only harm you and your relationship.
If I ever find myself thinking of something in the past that is destructive to my present happiness, I think "that was THEN, this is NOW"
and remind myself that I cannot benifit at all from dwelling on misery. That usually works for me!

I think that the important thing is that your husband wants to work on the marriage. I am sure that you have alot of unanswered questions but will the answers make you feel better? Feel blessed to be in the position you are in. No, you and your husband cannot change the past but both of you can learn from the past, but not live in the past.

I agree with Ezra that you may need some closure but I also think that too many questions could bring up too many memories. Remember, your husband was lost, he was not the person you married when he had the affair. He is back, and has chosen you, and you alone, to be his wife. What happened with the OW happened, and it cannot be changed. But you can change your marriage to be the best it can be.

Have you had a chance to read "Surviving An Affair", it covers some of these issues that you are experiencing.

You are lucky, I hope to be in your shoes one of these days and I am sure that I will be experiencing the same emotions

robyn,

The Q&A sessions usually go in cycles, where you will ask, get answers and be satisfied for awhile. You will then mull over the answers you got, think of new questions and then build up until you ask again. This is part of recovery and it's important to get your questions answered until you are satisfied. With some people this cycle lasts for 3 months, others for a year.

If you don't know the truth, you will only imagine the very worst. And yes, it is hard on the WS so it's important to do it in a non-LBing manner and to make sure that he understands the importance of answering your questions. But it is essential to your recovery and the way he treats your questions will play a big part in rebuilding trust in your marriage. The more open he is, the quicker your recovery and the sooner these questions will stop.

It's only been a little over 2 months since you discovered the A. Don't beat up on yourself for not being healed.

It's ok to have questions and it's ok to ask them. Ask them in a calm manner not in an angry one. Your H has been answering the questions that's more than most of us get. He seems to honestly want to rebuild your marriage. He seems to truly be trying. Explain your reason for wanting or needing to know. Explain that you need to ask them and have them answered in order to move forward.

It's very easy to say don't live in the past, don't dwell in the past. Your hurt, your marriage was hurt, it won't heal overnight. Personally I feel that the more you deal with the issues that eat at you, the sooner you'll be able to move past them. Forgetting doesn't work but facing, dealing, healing and rebuilding does work.

Not a love buster in my opinion. You have a need to know. If your H is interested in NOT being the source of your unhappiness any more, he will answer your questions (all of your questions) and answer them truthfully and completely.

(Rule of Honesty)...

Maybe if you began your questions with "Honey, how would you feel if I asked you another question about the other woman?" See what he says? Because really, only your spouse can determine if this is a LB to him or not--your questioning.

Considering the circumstances, you need to know this. You need to know in order to put your life back together. That's what it seems like to me on the outside looking in...