Honey - I cant remember how long youve been separated. at first I read your reply and thought, well, at least hes giving her a possibilty of returning - but id say its all nonsense - they say those things to make it impossible for you, like youre really going to not be emotional - HELLO, its called EOSTROGEN! I hope you hang tight too. Im feeling better now. Went to playgroup and hung out with some big people.

Cheers

Dancer

Glad to hear your feeling better now.
Would hate to have to bore you with more tails of gators and the swamp life.

I am lucky that I do have a chance with WW. Unfortunately, now that I got it, do I want it.

Chameleon - what is that? and why is that?
Im not saying this because I dont understand you - I do and I have a friend who has recently reconciled with her H and she wonders the same. Its just done so much damage to her (he has a drug and alcohol addiction still). Shes scared he'll never get thru it.
I think its a number of things (and probably others I dont know of yet). Its getting something we've had our hearts set on for so long and having hope and dreaming of how good its going to be once they come back - but when it happens, its scary. Its hard work - perhaps more than being separated. You become vulnerable again, whereas on your own you set your own boundaries, you can run away, escape, but you cant when youre together.
Its also a spiritual thing - the one thing satan hates more than anything is seing his work undone. When we choose to fight for our marriage, its not just things in the natural and emotional, but spiritual too. I reakon he would do anything he could do try and separate you guys again.
Do you get me?
I understand what you mean. sometimes ythe thought of my H coming back home scares me. There will be so much work to be done on us. But, theres help available and I know that it would get easier and most importantly, I know it would be worth it, to work towards a better marriage than before, because I know if it didnt, he would walk again. Im scared though that I would be working so hard at it and that he wouldnt recognise it. Im scared too that as time goes on I'm becoming more content in this journey, that Im learning to accept this is it for me (at the moment) and to celebrate every day God gives me. Its hard - learning to be content, yet desiring reconciliation. I bought a book by John Marsden yesterday about 101 ways I can be a great single Mum to my boy. At first I wanted to cry at the thought. But while I was bathing him last nite I felt this incredible excitment and vision - yes, Im going to be a great single Mum, Im going to be an inspiration to my boy and to other single mums. I said it out loud and it felt so good.

And yet, thinking about all my fears, I know God is bigger than them all and can change hearts, minds, feelings.....anything, even mine. I guess I just wanted to tell you I understand how you must feel. Oh, hang in there. Youre doing well.
Keep me posted about how youre going - I think I'll read thru all your posts on MB when I come back online.

Dancer

BUMP UP

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: dreamland ]</small>

Dancer,

Being scared is only a small part of the equation, unfortunately. The main reason is my love is spent. My love bank is near empty. I look at her now and instead of getting warm feelings there is nothing. I see her for what exactly she was and in part still is, an adulterer. Someone who did not love me enough to work on our marriage when it needed it. Someone who instead of trying to protect me, hurt me. Someone who, even now, has no little desire to patch things up and is O.K. with the status quo. How can I love her now? I do not want a D, because it would be too uncomfortable and bad for the kids. I do hope I can gain some love again to get motivated to do something. I just do not want to get slapped in the face and stomped all over again. What is really happening now, is two people are going through withdrawal, her AND I.

About the devil, I do not think I need much help from the devil to make me feel the way I do. Additionally, God gives us an out on the M when one spouse is unfaithful. I looked it up. So, God does want us to stay in the M, but I do not think it a sin to D if one spouse has an affair.

<small>[ July 26, 2002, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

Shhhh.... Dancer has 3 Shhhhhh......

forgot to add I'll miss you mate

<small>[ July 26, 2002, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

Well - theres no point responding to JTW, shes away for a few weeks, but she'll keep!

Chameleon - sorry I took so long to respond, couldnt get on here.
It must be difficult for you. You have my dream, but its really a nightmare.
Gotta go - baby is crying, reply again soon.

Dancer