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#1016644 07/20/02 04:18 PM
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I am finally going to have the opportunity to buy a book or two. Horray!

I read here of Harley's SAA and His Needs/Her Needs. I've also seen reference to a book called Torn Asunder.

H and I are trying to recover from his 4 yr A. Are there any other books out there that any of you have found particularly useful?

Once I have a list of titles, I will do a poll and see which book(s) comes most highly recommended.

Any suggestions, on additional questions that might make my poll more useful, would be welcome.

#1016645 07/20/02 05:11 PM
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Get Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair (all Harley), Private Lies (Pittman), After the Affair (Abrahms), The 5 Love Languages (Chapman).

I also loved "Please Understand Me II" - can't think of the author right off the top of my head and I'm too lazy to walk upstairs at the moment and look.

#1016646 07/20/02 05:27 PM
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Read Love must be Tough by James Dobson and Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weirner?

Actually, go to the "General Welcome for All New Builders" and in that post is a link to
"books". There are many suggestions on
multiple topics there.

Good Luck!

#1016647 07/20/02 06:27 PM
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Here you go...Books.

#1016648 07/21/02 10:45 AM
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E_C,

Get Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.... this is the best book that I've found... especially if you are a BS.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

#1016649 07/21/02 11:48 AM
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WOW!

Thanks to all of you for the fantastic input. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I will compile a poll and post it very soon.

EC

#1016650 07/22/02 12:54 AM
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Ok, many of these were listed...but I'll give you mine anyway and what I got from them:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - small, easy read, really solid ideas that all of us can use to make daily life easier for ourselves. I LOVED this book!

A Woman's Book of Life by Joan Borysenko, PH.D - I only read a few chapters (the ones that dealt with my age group and the one before and after, so I know from whence I came and where I'm headed!!) but it was very informational. If you're a woman, or married to one, that's around 28-32 and experiencing a ton of confusion and emotional upheaval...this might help to explain that and let you know you are NOT ALONE...it's NORMAL!

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis - Read this almost 2 years ago...I remember finding it a very good read, but I think I'm going to have to RE-read it with my new perspective. I think that it very well could have brought hubby and I out of our marital problems had there not been an A involved. That has issues all it's own that make implimenting healthy changes TOGETHER nearly impossible.

The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher - this book is SMALL and CHEAP! It's only like $5 and worth it. It's a huge analogy and really REALLY got to me the more I thought about it. Read it just before my head popped out...and I do think it was somewhat implimental in that (but also the timing...I was READY for my head to pop out and the book made a lot of sense).

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (and the Five love languages of children) - AWESOME! Well worth it! I gave this book to several friends and relatives and they all really liked it! Easy to read...not too mind draining.

His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley - Just finished this one! Easy read, EXCELLENT! I plan on buying extra copies for friends, as well as for any upcoming weddings. We also ordered the workbook and liked that too!

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw - Haven't finished this one yet. I LOVE Dr Phil though, and I'm sure I'll get a lot out of the book. It's an interactive read, so you don't just sit down and read...you have to answer questions. Probably why it's still unfinished.

Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray - Just started this one. It's ALREADY been helpful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Passionate Marraige by David Schnarch - Ok...this is an AMAZING book, but also a LONG HARD read. It's taken me MONTHS, whereas a book like this I can usually digest in a matter of days. It's well worth the effort, however, if you REALLY want to get down to the deep seated issues in your life.

Now Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham - I'm just starting this...looks like a quick read and I get to take a TEST! I love to take TESTS! My counselor recommended it to me last year and I've just had too much other reading to do to get around to it. I've just been in that test taking mood, though, so I'll tear in to it soon. Supposed to really help pick apart your personality to help you see why you see things the way you do etc... and help you to define your biggest strengths. I took the Keirsey profile online and that was really good too...this is supposed to be even better.

Self Matters by Phil Mcgraw - I haven't read it yet...looks really good though!

The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav - Started this one last year...it was highly recommended on the other board where I used to post. Very spiritual. Haven't ever finished it, but I will!

The Four Agreements Companion Book and the Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz - Didn't start these yet...but I liked the other book so well I ordered them so I'd have them to read next stormy day. Haven't seen one of them in over a year.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum & Perfect Partners, Should you stay or should you leave, step by step by Carolyn and Wes Huff - These aren't worth the paper they're printed on. I'm not one to ever trash a book...but I wouldn't feel right giving these away. They're HORRIBLE and extrememly shallow. I'm actually GLAD I READ THEM, because I could see right through them. There's WAY MORE to deciding whether to divorce or not than just what's outlined in these pieces of.....um....work.

Well...gee...I guess I have a few books, eh? Everyone has to have a hobby, yes?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#1016651 07/21/02 06:22 PM
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H4F,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for taking the time to give me such a detailed response! I am truly honored with your effort.

Can I come and live at your house???? With your library, I would be in BS heaven. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've posted a Poll on best books in this forum. Please try to chime in on it as your opinion would be very appreciated.

EC

#1016652 07/21/02 06:40 PM
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here's my reading list; also posted it in the poll thread:

Spacecase's Book List - Recommended Reading:
UPDATED 06/19/02

My "Affair Bibles" (please don't take offense, The Bible is THE BIBLE, and will always be first. Albeit, in my case, the Old Testament, 5 Books of Moses, Torah, whatever you choose to call it.)

1. Surviving an Affair - Harley/Chalmers - Clearly the definitive guidebook to sanity and hope during these turbulent times, and a must-read for anyone on these boards.
2. The Divorce Remedy - Weiner-Davis - A close second to SAA, very similar approaches and methods, less structure to the program.
3. After the Affair - Abrahms-Spring - Apart from the attempt to connect EVERYTHING to childhood experiences, a very thorough and complete guide with tremendous insight for all involved in an A.

Indispensable References
1. His Needs-Her Needs - Harley
2. Give & Take - Harley
3. Surviving Infidelity - Subotnik/Harris
4. Divorce Busting - Weiner-Davis
5. Private Lies - Pittman EXCELLENT! This is a must-read for everyone, from every side, involved in an A. Very good insight. In particular, the "Myths About Infidelity", "Guilty Secrets" (about secrets, lying, etc.), "The State of Affairs" (different types of affairs, "Infidelity and Divorce", "The Defects of Romantic Second Marriages", and "When Monogamy Works". Also, and excellent chapter on Infidelity and its effects on children, handling that, etc. Highly recommended.
6. “Tell Me No Lies” – Ellyn Bader, Peter T. Pearson

Other Books of Value
1. Fighting for Your Marriage - Markman/Stanley/Blumberg
2. Difficult Conversations - Stone/Patton/Heen
3. Conscious Loving - Handricks/Hendricks
4. Change your Life & Everyone in it - Weiner-Davis
5. Money Demons - Forward
6. Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus – Gray (In fact, the whole Venus & Mars series is great)

Some I did not like
1. When your Lover is Liar - Forward - Very valuable IF you're a betrayed woman (Most of the premises are based on real/perceived gender stereotypes, and for men it's too difficult to discern which could also apply to lying women.)
2. Affairs: Emergency Tactics - Rhodes - Very shallow. Only discusses 3 types of As, and attempts to make everything fit within those 3. If yours is precisely one of these, there could be some value to it, but in general, there's much better stuff out there.
3. Infidelity - Gough - Again, pretty shallow, author has been a WS and BS, hard to tell what's her personal experience/perception and what's more researched and solid.
4. Infidelity: A survival Guide - Lusterman - Way too textbook to be practical, much more of a study of the psychology of affairs. Of value if you're into in-depth psychoanalysis of affairs.
5. There were others here, but they were SO bad (IMHO) that they went right back to Half.com for sale!

On my reading list
1. Torn Asunder - Carter
2. How Could You Do That?! - Schlessinger
3. Love Must Be Tough - Straight Talk - Dobson
4. Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: How to Find the Right Program for You & Apply Each of the Twelve Steps to Your Own Issues
- Melody Beattie
5. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others & Start Caring for Yourself
- Melody Beattie


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