I see that most of the topics/posts are writt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> en by the ones who were cheated on...but is there any place that those of us who committed adultery can go for support and advice?

I need some help...after I filed for divorce I met someone and fell in love...I slept with this person at that time...later my husband and I reconciled and he found out all (after I tried to cover up by lying about it 3 different times). He is putting me through a living hell with calling me names, lecturing me until the wee hours of the morning and I am just worn out and ready to give up. I know I did the wrong thing..but I'm so weary of the emotional abuse...do 2 wrongs somehow make it right? Does him calling me horrible names make him feel better? Keep in mind that I had been faithful for 17 years up until the time I had filed for divorce (and yes, he was no longer living with me).

Any info will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

oops..sorry..have no clue where that 'face' in the middle of my message came from...am trying to get the hang of this thing..

YellowRose, yes,there are WS here. Your case sounds a little different than most but certainly your pain is valid and real.

It does not sound to me like your husband is being fair. It is complicated moving past the pain especially after covering up but it can be done.

I only pop in on occasion any more and see that you have only made 2 posts so far. Maybe you could share a little more of your story--what do you feel brought things to the place of divorce, how did you reconcile, when did your H (husband) find out, etc--that will help others to support you.

Don't worry about writing lots--just the basic facts and you can always fill in more info as people respond with questions and thoughts.

MB is a great place but it can be a little intimidating for those of us who were unfaithful at the outset. People are really patient, forgiving and supportive for the most part and you are definitely not alone.

Keep posting. Keep hoping, too. All the best to you.

Yellow Rose,
You say that you lied to him previously about the affair. Are you now being completely honest and answering his questions? When did he find out the truth? HOW did he find out? Often when we first find out we are very angry. Did he just find out?

Will he come here?

He was married before and wife cheated on him. He married at 18 and divorced a couple of years later. All through our marriage he has accused me of cheating on him because I have been very successful in my career (even without a college degree) and he has not even though he has a degree. As he put it a few times..I must have done something to get ahead. He has been through job after job and somewhere along the way whatever I felt turned to hatred. He would spend up to a year unemployed and sleeping in while I took kids to school and drove 1.5 hours to work each way...let me tell you..right or not the resentment grows and grows. He was a Christian, I was a dedicated hard-core atheist. I spent last 9 yrs. sleeping on couch because I could no longer stand to be in same room. He spent a lot of time on the computer with the porn sites, magazines, videos etc. but when I told him I felt this was an affair also he told me I was just trying to make myself feel better about what I did (although I told him this way before we ever separated).

I asked him again to go to counseling - he refused. I asked him to move out - he refused. Finally, after feeling like a single mom for 9 yrs., I started spending a lot of time online on a christian chat server - I was searching for something to fill up this empty place in my heart. I ended up in a singles chat room and I was interested in what they had to say because I knew I wanted a divorce desperately and I wanted to know how hard it would be on me, him, and the kids. I spent countless hours on there and ended up finding a man who spent much time going over scripture (to help me with my questions about God, not about whether or not to leave). I had decided a long time ago to never remarry..honestly, I hated all men. I felt used and cheated on in a way. Unfortunately, to my utter shock - I never knew how hungry I was for affection and understanding...yes, I fell for this guy..hard and fast...it was almost frightening...I'm sure you all know the story..couldn't wait to talk to him, etc. etc. Hubby put spy program on and recorded this convo (I had already asked him to move out prior to falling for this guy and he said no). Hubby now blames this guy for all. I finally made him move - I was very confused. So, long story short, H knew about guy - I tried to go to counseling with H (He finally agreed after I gave ultimatum) - but my feelings for OM grew and grew, filed for divorce, then met OM and slept with him...things didn't work out as well..and during this period I became a Christian.

I truly felt called by God to try and reconcile with husband but I resolved to try and stay friends with OM because he still made me feel good and husband made me feel bad (this was my thinking at time). I did the back and forth thing for a while but not a sexually intimate relationship after this point. Talked to hubby bout reconciling, he was nice one day, mean the next. Was scared of letting go ties to OM. Saw OM twice more prior to H moving back - no sex just convo about my fears of what happens when H comes back. H moved back in - he hounded me until I confessed but I only confessed the one time when we had sex. I was afraid of telling him i still talked to OM. H found out more and I told a little more - he called me horrible names and screamed at me for 5 hours straight...I was going to tell all but after the verbal abuse started during the first part of my confession, I bit my tongue out of fear. Finally he found stuff on my computer later and all you know what broke loose. I have confessed all at this point and have not talked to, emailed or anything else the OM for over a month but I must tell you I am so tempted to do so...I miss him..but I only miss him when husband verbally and emotionally abuses me. I give...I am trying so hard..I know what I did was wrong..I have tried to be the best wife I know how to be. I think it is too little too late though.

Sorry for long post...thanks for listening.

Oh, forgot..one other problem is hubby is back to old ways...sleeping in most of day..not doing stuff around house...broken promises..I'm running myself ragged at work as usual and juggling kids, church, etc. I feel so alone...so lonely. He is only bringing in $600 per month for a guy with a degree. I have offered for him to stay home but he says he is not going to be a *#(&%% house-husband. He is working..thank the Lord..but at nights and on weekends which is what he has done off and on the past 7 years...I am so so so very lonely I want to scream!! It is hard to build or have a relationship with a husband who is never around..and when he is...well, he is sleeping or screaming...I know, I know..this doesn't make my 'A' ok...but I just feel dead inside all over again. I don't want to have an A ever again...morally I am so opposed to it...I can't believe I actually did it...I weep almost every day...and I feel sick at the thought that I actually did this...I feel hopeless at this point. Anything I say to him doesn't matter..or I get the..."At least I never cheated on YOU" line...I guess I have finally given him the perfect ammo to use.

YellowRose,

Thanks for elaborating. I would suggest reading everything you can on this site and try to draw him into this website so he can get some help too. His needs are not being met and yours aren't either.

And since you can't change him, your first step is to change yourself by practicing the principles here. You have taken a good first step by being honest with him. It does not help you at all, though, that he had to discover the affair through his own snooping. I would suggest complete honesty and making sure that you do everything in your power to reassure him that you are being faithful and that you are remorseful.

You can expect him to feel very very angry and torn up about this affair for quite some time. It takes MONTHS to get over this so don't expect him to just shut up about it anytime soon, it won't happen.

And yes, he contributed to the state of the marriage that led to the affair, but he is not responsible for it nor did he deserve it. So please don't try and tell him that he did anything to warrant it - that will make the sitution much worse.

There is hope for your marriage, and you both can learn here how to get out of this destructive cycle of lovebusting and not meeting each others needs and fall in love again. So please don't give up until you have really explored everything here and perhaps gotten some good counseling.

MelodyLane - thanks for your response....I am not expecting him to shut up about it, I just don't think the verbal abuse is ok. I can understand hurt and I can understand anger...but look where that all led me...17 years of anger and hurt and feeling like I was alone in the marriage. Also, his visiting porn sites, calling those 900 numbers...how is that ok? I try not to bring any of that up as a justification for my behavior...I just get frustrated that I am now the only 'bad guy' here...and a filthy w**re as he calls me. My gosh, I had filed for divorce...I never ever ever planned to reconcile or I would not have done what I did.

To rub my nose in it and to never take responsibility for how our marriage became vulnerable (not responsibility for the A itself) is not ever going to help us. We will find ourselves back in the same situation without an A this time but with dead hearts and ending up in divorce court. I know I hurt him - goodness, I read the posts on here from the people who were betrayed and I feel even worse...I hurt for all of the victims..and believe it or not the A takes a toll on the person who commits it.

I still think about suicide when he goes on and on about how bad I am...I can't think, I can't sleep, I can barely function and I have to because I support all of us. I realize I did the 'bad evil' thing...God has forgiven me...I don't think my H can. I am also hurt..and have been hurting for a long long time...if I'm so bad, then he should just leave because I don't think I can pay the price he is charging for this 'A'. I felt cheated on when he sat in front of the computer for hours visiting porn sites...although I did not have the A to retaliate. I feel deep remorse about what I did but sometimes this gets lost and replaced by anger when he lambasts me day after day. I call and check in with him so he knows where I am, I no longer go to that christian server, I turn down all business trips out of town, he reads all my email so he can check and see if the OM has emailed me, I don't go out with anyone (not even female friends), I don't wear makeup or dress up because he always makes pointed comments about that...I am just at the point where I feel nothing will ever be enough and his side of anything will never be worked on because of my 'A' blinding him to his side..and yes, he has a side...not of the A...but of this relationship between him and myself. I read, I have read many books...including His Needs, Her Needs...our pastor asked us both to read it but H won't. It takes 2 to make it work...

Well, MelodyLane...I do appreciate your willingness to take time to respond...I felt a little less lonely for a while...and I appreciate your kindness. I will think over what you have said.

Best Wishes,

YellowRose

You asked in your original post if two wrongs make a right. No, not at all. He shouldn't release his anger or his pain by verbally abusing you. He needs help in learning ways to release without attacking you.
I'm not making excuses for him but let me try to help you understand him. When you gave him a little bit of the truth but with held portions of the truth, he went from not trusting you to feeling as though he would never trust you again. It grew larger and larger within him and the anger is what he is letting out. He snooped and found more info and that simply drove the stake a little deeper into his heart. Again I'm not making excuses for him. His way of treating you is wrong, completely wrong. He is acting out his anger and his pain in his words. Not all of us react that way but several do. He needs help and I agree that you should try to get him to the MB site also. Maybe he will see a way to vent and get support at the same time. It sure wouldn't hurt to try to get him to check out the site.

You said you were tempted to make contact with the OM. Whatever you do DON'T do that. I understand your loneliness but instead of turning to the OM consider turning to God.

It takes time to heal from such pain, it takes time to rebuild a marriage. Not always, only a matter of months, for some couples it takes a year or so to completely heal. If your marraige is worth it to you, you'll find the strength to hang in there and rebuild. You said you were a Christian, then you know you can find all the strength you need in your Heavenly Father.

Your in my prayers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sad Angel - thanks for your kind words and for taking time to reply to my post. Thanks to all who responded (freshstart, MelodyLane, and Sad Angel). I will do as you have advised and try to turn to God instead of OM. I have begged my husband to change his schedule...I can't stand being alone...too much time on my hands and too much loneliness are big triggers for me. I have told my church I will volunteer for almost anything in the hours when I'm not working. We actually have an activity at the local water park here in Ft. Worth, Texas in a couple of hours that I'm looking forward to since it will help me pass the time today. I feel like a drug addict trying to get clean and living sometimes a minute at a time...one day at a time.

Thanks again to all who responded to my post.

Hugs