I really don't know what to say. I just need to talk to someone, but have nobody that will listen. Or I guess I should say, the one that I want to listen wouldn’t. I know my story doesn't sound as bad as others I have read here. Maybe I am going through the resentment stage. My W is out of town on business, and taking care of things that will boost her self esteem. I really don't have a problem with her going out of town by herself, its when she goes with her friend that my stomach turns.

Anyway, as I have time alone I can't stop thinking of what she has done! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I think of how forgiving I have been and willing to change myself and work on us. Then I look at her attitude towards all this. She shows no remorse! She even wants to see this guy again. Wants to separate so she can.."figure out what she wants"! Why should I be OK with this?! I should be the one wanting to leave, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> why do I want to be Mr. nice guy and wait till she wants to work it out. I am finding myself hating her more everyday. I have always let her push me around, not that I didn't do things for me, but I let her manipulate me way too much.
Why does it have to hurt so much? I would love to just sit her down and let her feel what I am feeling. I know she is confused and probably hurting for her own guilt, but she has never let my really tell her what she has done to me. She thinks if we split up she won't be hurting me any more. Doesn't she know the knife has already been inserted, and leaving or separating only twists it back and forth. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
On the bright side of things I had a wonderful weekend with my two D. It’s hard to see them suffering with all the changes my W is going through. Right now they are the only reason I want to try. That and the fact that I know I love her and know we could have something better than before. Did I just answer my own question?

Still, Why should I be OK with the A and not bring it up and let her know how much I am hurting?
I find myself wanting to give up. It's hard to focus on your self and try to do thinks for yourself when you have been one with someone else for 11 years.
Thanks for listening.

Slow down, you're starting to sound like me. Lots of advice here...weekends slow response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You have mirrored my past week in one post. I can say...ain't gonna get easier, but it's gotta get better! I know being a newbie myself that all concepts, plan A, plan B, POJA, all hard to grasp and apply when you are betrayed. Surf this stuff while waiting for the answer to come to your post.

"Out of Chaos, Comes Form"
"Out of Compassion, Comes Love"

God be with you...Terry

Thanks,
I have been reading and rereading this site for two months now. I just can't get the picture of W and OM together. Wondering how, who, why!!! I don't know what to think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . I read some of her mail to a freind she met on a trip, she was telling him she was waiting for someone and blah blah blah. I was accused of sending this guy an e-card. (I didn't) In another email she told him that her Ex (me) was a jerk and into her mail. So she reffers to me as her ex to others but says to me she doesn't know if she wants a divorce. I want so bad to LB all over her! Why do I care??
CD

city -

Hang in there. Many people here will say that Plan A is about you. After reading some of these really, really long posts - where you can see how peoples actions and reactions evolve over several months - a pattern starts to emerge. (yes, I'm an engineer...) Those BS who stick to the Plan - no matter what their WS dishes out, usually recover.

Also remember, a WS, while in the midst of an A, is an irrational being most of the time. Have NO expectations of them at this time. None.

So, the commitment to save a marriage relies very heavily on the BS while the WS is still in contact with the OP. This responsibility isn't fair, easy, prideful, kind, or loving. It actually really sucks most of the time (my humble opinion). But, if you look at the statistics, read all of the books and buy into the Harley methods, then you can't let emotions rule your actions. And if you create and follow the Plan you will have the best chance of saving your marriage.

Again, hang in there and vent here and not at your WS. You'll get empathy here but if you vent at her, you'll only LB...which in their minds gets magnified 100 times.

Lo

CD;
You are absolutely right. All of what you say and feel is normal, we all have said it and felt it.

BUT; there is one very important thing you must learn if you want to survive and give your M a chance to survive. Everything that seems "normal" and "logical" and "reasonable" is alomst without exception the WRONG thing to do or say to recover your M from infidelity.

Yes, I know, this sounds ridiculous, absurd, and your feelings right now will not permit that. But if you want to try to save your M from this, you must start accepting that notion.

Read all of Dr. Harley's Articles and Q&A sections about Infidelity, read "Surviving and Affair", his book about infidelity. Post here, read, learn. You will begin to feel better, and you, like SO many of us that came before you, will survive, thrive, and perhaps you will save your M in the process.

Hang in there!

Ok.I have read all the plan a/b stuff but I'm not sure what I need to do. To make a plan... I am showing her love and showing her I care, but I don't know if that is all I need to be doing.
I want to tell her that if she sees the OM again and is not willing to go to councelling, that she should move out. Is this wrong? I feel if she is given more time in limbo she will be more prepared to leave. I leave for a month in Aug. for work. That leaves her a month with her
%$@!@#$!! @%$#@%^ friend. I feel her friend just leads my wife in the wrong direction. Anything I can do about her friend?
My wife feels thes gal is the only person who is her true friend, but it is because of this friend my W had an A. Alright, not completely her fault, but if she wasn't around my W would not have done what she did!
I am just haveing a hard time today. I am really starting to hate this friend, and I use to think she was great. I should have know, when she has been married 4 or 5 times, what could I expect.

CD,
Have you two filled out the EN questionare? Do you know what her EN are? Are you doing all that you can to make yourself attractive? Are you showing confidence in yourself, taking care of yourself, planning and following through with recreational fun with her and the kids.... or are you depressed, sad, full of questions? The latter is a recipe for falure. Focus on you and changing things about you. Try not to think about the bad stuff, her friend, the OM.... I know its hard but you have to do it. You have to let that stuff roll off of you like water rolls off a duck and keep focused on the goal. Smile allot make her laugh.... just like the begining when you first met and started dating, make yourself attractive. You didn't forget how. This is what you must do to make her want to be around you and desire you and remeber, it wont happen over night.
One thing that helped me a little was to picture a BIG red stop sign right in front of me whenever I started to think about the A or anything that would bring me down, then think about good stuff and try hard to move forward, keep moving forward. Keep planning new and attractive things, don't settle for the same old thing.

God Bless
SH

Stillhurts,
Your signature gives me hope. I have not filled out the questionare, she hasn't agreed to that yet, but hasn't said no.
I try to work on my self, I was working out and looking pretty good, Although I have slacked off latley. I know I havn't shown much confidence, even to the point of whinning when we talk, I didn't realize I was until she told me. So you make a very good point and I will work on makeing myself more attractive. I am signing up for some classes online, just hope I can concentrate on it. I wanted to take a business class so that I may be able to help her in her new business. Her web site should be up and running by the end of the end of the week. I do alot to help her get ready to launch her new buss. as well as help run ourdaycare. I try to get out and do things with her, but she doesn't want to go out with me, says she feels quilty?. Our 11 year anniversary is at the end of Aug, I will be deployed and wanted to do something before I leave, but she didn't know if she wanted to. I have a great evening planned, hope she'll give in and let me show her a good time.
Still doesn't seen fare that I am trying to save something that she doesn't care about. But I know we can have something great if I can get over the A and if she will open up. How long did it take for you?
Thanks again.
CD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>I try to work on my self, I was working out and looking pretty good, Although I have slacked off latley. CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD,
Physical apperance is good but that is not the kind of attractiveness I was talking about. You are unatractive when you are sad, worried, needy, clinggy.... do you see what I mean? She is going to run for the hills if you don't snap out of it. Dude, plan A is all about you. Changing things about you that will cause her to want to be around you. When she comes home and sees that you have done alot of little things that she likes and continue to do these things you will be making deposits into her love bank that is probably deep in the red right now. You can show confidence in many ways, even just playing with the girls a new game and having fun doing it, her just hearing laughter in the house will be attractive to her. Wash her car and don't say a word. Fix things around the house that have been neglected. Give her a quick shoulder rub when passing by her WITHOUT SEXUAL INTENT. (very important to touch without sexual expectations sex will come naturaly) Encourage her when she talks about goals even if you hate her goals. Validate her when she tells you something by repeating back to her what she tells you this will let her know that you are listening. ("You mean it really bugs you when the dog runs through the house?" not "I didn't leave the door open."
These are just a few ideas, get busy.

SH

I do pretty well but I slip and get depressed and sad. I know I need to avoid that, at least while around her. I do allot of little things that she likes, like tonight I opened her car door. Her response "do you know how long it’s been since you’ve opened my door?) And it really hasn't been that long; I just don't do it all the time. I rub her back, rub her feet, ask and bring her a drink before we go to bed….
So I am doing the little things that she likes. And I have always done most of these things, I just do them all the time now. So I don't know what to do.... I can just do things for me now.
CD

CD,
You are doing good!!!!! Keep moving in a forward direction, don't go backwards. I see some progress. When she says "do you know how long it’s been since you’ve opened my door?" take that as a clue, she likes this, keep it up and don't remind her that it hasn't been that long, tell her that you are "happy to open the door for her and now that I know that you like that, I will gladly open the door for you because you're worth it" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Smile at her, show her that she is special to you. All these little things will in time make her want to be with you. Before you know it you will start to see light at the end of this dark tunnle.
I'm not even going to respond to your other thread, stop the pitty party. Gather all your strength and keep moving forward, you can do it!!!

SH

What am I hoping for?
As I was helping out at our business, I was using the internet and found out that WW Has been checking for Air line tickets and driving directions for city of OM. The Date of her departure was 3 days after I leave town. I don't know if she is really wanting to go or if she is trying to see if I am checking what she is doing online. It hurts so much to think she is planning a get away after I leave. What can I do?
WE talked a little today, she was asking "what are we doing?" I told her I wasn't sure anymore.
I know that probably wasn't the best the thing to say, but thats what I was feeling. I did follow it up with my feelings of true love I have for her. She keeps saying that she wants time. She has been reading the book I bought here, SAA. She said it also says she needs time. I haven't read much of it yet, but I didn't see that. I don't know where I am any more. I probably sound like I am whinning, I guess I don't write much when things are good. I can't say they are bad, I'm just confussed. I get really bothered by her friend, I know I have mentioned it before but She is just the wronge person to hang out with right now. I am trying to be the up beat happy H, but I don't fake it that well.
Thanks for listening.
CD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>What am I hoping for?
CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD,
You are hopeing for your marriage to be saved and your daughters to have a mom and dad always there for them happy and in love.

I asked you before if you believed in God and you said yes. Your wife wanted you to seek God with her years ago but you were not interested. Now you look to God for answers and help and your wife wants no part of it.
To be perfectly honest with you, I believe that your wife is still in touch with OM or there is a new OM. She is showing all the signs of having an A. If not PA, EA.
If this is the case your marriage cannot begin recovery untill she is ready to commit to no contact. I think it would be okey to tell her how feel and I think you should show her that you are serious by reading all the books. You have to get informed.
The bible says that you are to be the priest of your home. It is up to you to lead your family spiritualy. If your wife does not want to seek God (which makes sense if she is living with sin) I ecourage you to seek God without her and in doing so you will be setting a good example not only for her but for your children.
I took the first step in leading my family to God and the results were nothing short of a miricale.
Leading by example also helped my wife be delivered from alcohol. I knew she was an alcoholic and nothing worked untill I told her that I was going to stop drinking beer after hearing God tell me that I needed to stop. I told her that I was not telling her to stop in fact I bought her a bottle of her favoret wine with the request not to hide when she drinks. (She was a closet drinker). Within two days she called me at work with tears of joy, telling me that she now thinks she can quit. She threw out all the booze and has had no desire since. We are going on three months now and let me tell you that is a major accomlishment when nothing else ever worked when she tryied to quit. She tells me that she has no more desires. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Do you pray with your wife? I rarely did. Then one night while we were laying in bed I laid my hand on her and asked her if I could pray for us. She said that she had always wanted me to do that. I prayed for forgivness and apoligised to God for not being all that I could have been for my wife and for not putting Him first in our marraige. I prayed for her like never before that she too would have peace and happyness again. I asked God for wisdom to know what to say and do in order to rebuild our marriage. I asked Jesus to come into my life and guide me in all that I do in order to glorify Him in my every day life. I prayed for a complete healing in our marriage and above all I prayed that God would help me to be the man, the husband, the father that my wife always desired. I prayed all this in Christ name.

It was at that point that our marraige began recovery and I am happy to say that we are recoverd. We are approching 2 years since d day. (less than 2 weeks)
I truly believe in the power of prayer and I will pray for you, that you too will also recover.

SH