I am finally going to get to buy a book (hopefully two). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm doing a poll to find out which book(s) come most highly recommended both from the BS and the WS perspective of dealing with the effects of an A and recovering from it. H is working very hard towards recovery and I'm trying to get over feeling like a BS so I can feel 100% committed to staying too.

I'd also appreciate any personal comments you might have regarding any of the books and if there are others that would be your first choice, I'd be interested in hearing about them too.

Thanks one and all for your input.

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</small>

Although BS and WS questions dominate the poll, I included 2 questions at the end....one for OPs and another for "Others" (ie. Friends, Family members, etc.) so noone feels left out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I had posted this a while back and it's not up to date, but perhaps you'll find it useful.

Spacecase's Book List - Recommended Reading:
UPDATED 06/19/02

My "Affair Bibles" (please don't take offense, The Bible is THE BIBLE, and will always be first. Albeit, in my case, the Old Testament, 5 Books of Moses, Torah, whatever you choose to call it.)

1. Surviving an Affair - Harley/Chalmers - Clearly the definitive guidebook to sanity and hope during these turbulent times, and a must-read for anyone on these boards.
2. The Divorce Remedy - Weiner-Davis - A close second to SAA, very similar approaches and methods, less structure to the program.
3. After the Affair - Abrahms-Spring - Apart from the attempt to connect EVERYTHING to childhood experiences, a very thorough and complete guide with tremendous insight for all involved in an A.

Indispensable References
1. His Needs-Her Needs - Harley
2. Give & Take - Harley
3. Surviving Infidelity - Subotnik/Harris
4. Divorce Busting - Weiner-Davis
5. Private Lies - Pittman EXCELLENT! This is a must-read for everyone, from every side, involved in an A. Very good insight. In particular, the "Myths About Infidelity", "Guilty Secrets" (about secrets, lying, etc.), "The State of Affairs" (different types of affairs, "Infidelity and Divorce", "The Defects of Romantic Second Marriages", and "When Monogamy Works". Also, and excellent chapter on Infidelity and its effects on children, handling that, etc. Highly recommended.
6. “Tell Me No Lies” – Ellyn Bader, Peter T. Pearson

Other Books of Value
1. Fighting for Your Marriage - Markman/Stanley/Blumberg
2. Difficult Conversations - Stone/Patton/Heen
3. Conscious Loving - Handricks/Hendricks
4. Change your Life & Everyone in it - Weiner-Davis
5. Money Demons - Forward
6. Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus – Gray (In fact, the whole Venus & Mars series is great)

Some I did not like
1. When your Lover is Liar - Forward - Very valuable IF you're a betrayed woman (Most of the premises are based on real/perceived gender stereotypes, and for men it's too difficult to discern which could also apply to lying women.)
2. Affairs: Emergency Tactics - Rhodes - Very shallow. Only discusses 3 types of As, and attempts to make everything fit within those 3. If yours is precisely one of these, there could be some value to it, but in general, there's much better stuff out there.
3. Infidelity - Gough - Again, pretty shallow, author has been a WS and BS, hard to tell what's her personal experience/perception and what's more researched and solid.
4. Infidelity: A survival Guide - Lusterman - Way too textbook to be practical, much more of a study of the psychology of affairs. Of value if you're into in-depth psychoanalysis of affairs.
5. There were others here, but they were SO bad (IMHO) that they went right back to Half.com for sale!

On my reading list
1. Torn Asunder - Carter
2. How Could You Do That?! - Schlessinger
3. Love Must Be Tough - Straight Talk - Dobson
4. Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: How to Find the Right Program for You & Apply Each of the Twelve Steps to Your Own Issues
- Melody Beattie
5. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others & Start Caring for Yourself
- Melody Beattie

All the books I have seen and read are helpful...the best is THE BIBLE!

I would also suggest The Five Love Languages. It is not about infidelity, but how to recognize the different ways people express love in a relationship. I found this to be one of the best books for understanding why we were not communicating our true feelings for each other.

My H said that he wished we had read it and also HisNeeds,HerNeeds 20 years ago, they would have changed the course of our marriage...

Ladysing - I think Chapman's book is already listed in the poll, but not by its exact title.

Another book I recommend, for later in the process, is "Uncoupling" by Vaughn. It helps me understand why WW is revising history and saying pretty nasty things about me, especially lately.

- Tom

Spacecase,
Thanks so much for going back and finding the indepth details and opinions. You are a gentleman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ladysing & tmmx,
Sorry for not getting the title right on the 5 Love Languages book. I appreciate knowing the correct title so I can find it if I go looking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Also tmmx, thanks for the lead in on 'Uncoupling.

EC

If there are any WS's out there that could do my poll so I can try to ensure whatever book I get is the best for my H too I would really appreciate it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't know the author, I didn't finish the book, not because it was bad. The first bit I read, got be thinking to stop being angry and the victim, then I found the Harley's books, and intended to get back to the first book but the library wanted it back

title:
Relationship Rescue

For me, I loved Torn Asunder. Our MC actually started using it in her practice when she saw how well written it is! It really helped my H to see what the consequences of his A are, and how to help me through it. I highly recommend it.

For some reason I cant vote or view the poll.

Anyone know why?

Dancer

After my h's affair was exposed we were in counseling and our counselor told us both to go home and read Chapman's 5 love languages. I think it helped with our anger issues...and knowing what I know now it helped me not to LB. I was kind and so was my H while we worked through our schtick. That was due to this book. Not that there weren't slip-ups and bad days...but the book opens your heart and gives hope. One thing I learned about my h was his need of affirmation. I created an affirmation book with a new journal from the bookstore and made an entry each night....I did not know the A was still going on and I was doing this in good faith. I know now that this was breaking down my H and making him remeber all the good things...thus bringing an end to the A. Shortly thereafter I found Dr. H's book and fit all the pieces together, but Love Languages is a great help to plan A because you have to learn how your spouse wants to be loved before you can take another step.I also found that the library has all these books, although when I could afford them all I bought them so I could highlight and mark them up. Just finished Private Lies...excellent! Debra Kay