I'm not sure what a "thread" is, but I'm starting a new topic and HOPING for any advice that comes my way tonight. Here goes...

I am 23, and married for two years this last June. My husband is phenominal - caring, honest, beautiful, dedicated, exciting, funny - all the things I know in my heart every woman searches for. I knew these qualities were golden five years ago when I met him and he's only gotten better with time. We have a deep friendship and a very mature relationship given my age (he is 28). I had some great experiences in my teens (sounds cheesy, but it's not) before I met my husband. My first love was "Chad". We dated for about a year and when my 15-year-old hormones got restless, I broke up with him. Very typical. He was a doll and a very special person. I went through high school in another serious relationship (again, very mature for our age at the time) and that ended as most do.

I met Eric (husband) at 18 and immediately felt a connection I wanted to explore. We dated a few years, got engaged and soon married. I have always defended the dreaded question "Why did you marry so young?" with such ferocious pride and love for my husband. I am still so proud of him. THis summer he is working three hours away from our home as a summer associate in a law firm. The distance has been tough, but I've enjoyed catching up with old pals. Last week I was out with a few girlfriends and saw Chad. The energy between us was sizzling. We spoke for a few minutes and said goodbye. He had given me his e-mail address. The rest of the evening I was a wreck, couldn't stop thinking about him. I went and spent the weekend with Eric and by Sunday was fine. I went to work on Monday and e-mailed CHad to say "great to see you, you sound and look great. Take care." He wrote back, BEFORE reading my e-mail and basically said he was blown away when he saw me and that all of his old feelings surfaced again.

This is where I screwed up. I wrote back and told him I had felt funny, too, and that there were definitely still lingering feelings. But I also told him that I loved Eric more than anything and that this e-mail was tough to read. Since that Monday, we have e-mailed nonstop and even went for a walk one night to catch up. I thought seeing him again would make it go away. It didn't. Eric was just home for the weekend just left - he knows I'm not myself. I am struggling with two things:

1) I obviously have these out-of-place feelings for Chad. What do I do with them? I am in no way willing to jeapordize my marriage.

2) I think these feelings are representing a feeling of "lost youth" because I amrried so young. I've felt like "what I weren't married?" But that sort of thinking is totally unproductive!!

I just need to hear someone's opinion of this situation - someone who I don't know who can't make personal judgements!!!

PLEASE HELP!!!!

p.s. I know I need to tell Chad not to contact me, bt it hurts to think of losing his contact

p.p.s. Chad just called my cell!!! What do I do?

J Birdie ... if you love dear darling Eric the way you say you do ... you will stop all this "Chad" nonsense right now before you lose all your self-respect.

Right now ... right where you are ... close your eyes and visualize your husband's sweet handsome face smiling warmly at you and his eyes filled with his love for you. Then, after about 30 seconds ... visualize Eric's face contorted into waves of agony with the most unbearable pain he has ever felt. See his tears and hear his sobs. See his eyes pleading with you about his unbearable pain.

Now imagine knowing that YOU WILLINGLY and DELIBERATELY caused this anguish to befall your dear sweet Eric!!!!

Holy Sh*t J Bird ... how much pain and heartache do you want to invite into your life???

Life is HARD .... do not make it HARDER than it has to be.

Cut this Chad off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> like the pimple that he is.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ July 21, 2002, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi J-bird,

I'm a betrayed spouse (BS), and as you yourself can tell, are on a road that might lead you to become a wayward spouse (WS)...

First off, I suggest you read all the material you can find on this site... check out the Concepts link at the top... it'll take too long for you to order and read a book or two from the Bookstore, but you might want to consider ordering one or more anyhow... that could be a project you start in a week or so... I recommend "His Needs Her Needs", "Falling in Love and Staying in Love", and although you might not see yourself in an affair yet (more on that in a bit), reading "Surviving an Affair" would teach you a lot about the dynamics of romantic love, and how it can lead us down dangerous paths.

In terms of where you're at... you obviously have an emotional bond with Chad... and you already are experiencing "symptoms" of an affair - need to talk, can't resist talking, etc. - these are classic symptoms of an early "emotional affair" (EA). Don't fool yourself... EA's are probably the most dangerous type of affair, because they come on so "innocently", and are based around the deepest parts of humanity - our feelings. Affairs are addictive, and very, very many EA's, when not stopped quickly, will eventually turn into PA's (physical affairs) - the draw becomes too much over time.

It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders in that you recognize the developing situation... now is the time to act decisively. If you really want to protect your marriage, you need to cut this thing off with Chad, quickly. You don't need to be mean, but being polite yet FIRM is important. He will likely try to talk you out of it... "we can be just friends, right?" But keep in mind that once you've expressed feelings for each other, all bets are off... you've crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. You've got to stand up for yourself - and your marriage - unless you're fully prepared to suffer unimaginable pain, leading up to its destruction.

I speak of this pain from first-hand experience. Currently, my WW (wayward wife) and I are separated. She started in an EA last September - and didn't have the willpower to stop, despite claiming that she loves me. The pain of suffering through the indignity of her affair has been terrible. At some point, I have proof that it became a PA... add more insult to injury. Add to that the fact that WW knows deep down that it'll never work out with OM (other man), and so she's incredibly conflicted, depressed, and has even been suicidal. Don't let yourself fall into that trap, or you too could experience a same fate...

I wish you well... make good choices, okay?

J Bird,

Just as you, I married very young, I was barely twenty, and I started living with my husband at age 19, half a world away from everything and everybody i ever loved.

I had wonderful relationships before my H. I had wonderful men, powerful men, rich men, handsome men, famous men, dating me, asking for my hand in marriage, being adored was a jolt of adrenaline, they were mature relationships, involvig from deep conversations of sociopolitics, to arts, music, you name it.

Everytime my relationships ended I was the one deciding to do so. I broke more than my share of hearts, and returned more than too many rings. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Due to this, during my marriage this men, old flames, old loves, have kept making it clear that the door will always be open. They have sent numerous e-mails, chatted, tried to contact me, find out my phone number, find a way to send flowers, jewels, anything...
Some of the most wealthy ones set up accounts for me to use in the emergency case of my H ever mistreating me, so I could get a plane ticket and fly away to them.

I am a Betrayed Spouse. I have been hurt deeply inside my soul by the one man in this world I picked over every other. I was hurt in so many ways and so badly that I wanted to die everyday.

I was scared, alone, depressed, far away for every single friendly face, from my family, from my country. I was stranded, jailed on my own home, without seeing the light of day for weeks at a time.

The offers were tempting, the memories haunted me. I could remember what it was to be a goddess. What it was to be the object of desire of so many men. I remembered... and I missed it.

But... I also remembered, why they loved me, and it was because of my strength, it was because of my wit, my intelligence and my courage. It was because I was a woman, a woman with convictions, morals and who knew right from wrong.

I never answered the e-mails, I blocked them, I hide the memories, and my husband came back to work with me. I made the promise to be with him forever, through thick and thin, through sickness and health, and I would never break a promise, because I was better than that.

I am a woman, no matter how young I was when I married, no matter how everybody cried out I was too young for marriage. When I married I made a promise, and I will never break that promise, unless my husband demostrates that he doesn't want me to anymore and I am convinced of it.

I think you should quit contacting this man. So what if it was your first love? We all have had them, can you remember why you broke up? Can you remember why did you marry your husband?

Would you be able to live with yourself if this evolved into a full blown physical affair?

If you want a relationship with Chad, then tell your husband. He is still young, he still can get a good woman that will love him and be faithful to him forever. If you are not up for the job, then let him free.

Thanks for your advice, both of you. I answered my cell and talked to Chad. I told him this is no good. I told him this is the beginning of something that could end a relationship I don't want to see ruined. I told him it's hard to remember the past and so easy to confuse those feelings with the present. But I found myself rattling on about Eric. Do I see my answer? Yes I do! Chad said he will forget my number and my e-mail if I tell him to. He is serious. He's a good person in his heart and doesn't want to hurt me. I just told him goodbye and I know he will respect that. Funny how that resolution came so timely...

In the meantime, I need to figure out why my heart took a nose dive when I thought everything was wonderful...I truly love Eric, but I am afraid of why I was so distracted by this other person. If anyone can tell me from experience - since this is stopping immediately, will these feelings ever go away? Will I eventually lose that "pull" towards calling and seeing Chad? I hope so...any thoguhts?

Your marriage should be at the forefront of any decisions you make. Remember how much you love him.

Wow, alostwife...you just kicked me in the stomach. At first I didn't know where you were going with this. I am so proud to be Eric's wife. He is a man with such dignity and pride. I don't ever want to say I couldn't be the same thing.

I admire your strength, although it sounds like I cannot even comprehend your lifestyle. I am a good person, who is focused on leading a good, honest life with a beautiful man. I can see in front of me exactly how I am supposed to feel and be. But I am human. I am still hurting about all of this and need to know that it will fade with time.

Does anyone think I should tell Eric about what I've been through in the last week? I am not going to see or speak to Chad anymore, and so will not be creating any more problems...do I leave well enough alone, or try to explain this madness?

J Bird,

I live a honest, humble and simple life with my husband. I work, and I depend on only my scholarships to go through college. We cannot afford much, but still, we are happy.

Through my husband's lies, deceit and affair, he has learnt something I knew from the time we first married, and that was that being 100% open and sincere with your spouse is vital for a good marriage.

Your husband is your partner, he will catch your fall, he will help you, love you, protect you, provide when you cannot, and understand you. If you cannot tell him your fears, what has hurt you, or what haunts you, how can he be a good partner?

Tell him what happened, explain him, reassure him how proud you are of being his wife, tell him all the wonderful things you see on him. Get the emotional needs questionaire on this site. Read as much material as you can, and if it is still unclear what it was that made you weak, then seek for marriage counselling.It may be nothing, or it may be something, but, the sooner you treat this, the easier it will be to fix, and the fastest you will be able to go back to a good life.

((((((((hugs)))))))))
So far you have done an amazing job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Alostwife,

If I try to explain to him what I've been going through, what if he thinks more happened than did? Nothing physical happened, even though I realize the emotional adultury is way more critical. Is it wrong for me to just let my feelings ride on out and when I see him next weekend, give him a huge hug and kiss and be glad that I am back to my life?

I really think that in a few days, the burn of having to say goodbye to Chad again (a possible closure to the relationship at age 15???) will be gone and I will be reminded, as I already am tonight, of where my heart truly is.

I almost feel ridiculous for even going through this last week of emotional turbulance. I feel like talking about it with Eric is making a bigger production out of it. I also think that being away from Eric every week this summer makes the "what could have been" life more appealing. I don't have him every night to hold me and tell me he loves me. My tangible world is that much more appealing.

This forum is incredible by the way...what a world of relief I have felt this evening in your responses... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really need help with my last reply, if anyone has any suggestions...I'll check again tomorrow.

Thank you all!

J Bird,

some of the people in this forum may speak against what I am about to advice, but it is out of my experience that I tell you to tell your husband.

I have been in the brink of an EA more times than I'd have liked. My husband was abusive, hurtful, mean, cold, he cheated, lied and made me miserable for most of our first 2 years of marriage. My life was not pretty, I was so depressed and lonely that if I hadn't been more strong I'd have fallen in the pits of a full blown EA.

The memmories of old flames, the wonderful summers, the winters, the springs. The bliss of the relationships, the dating, the sweet nothings, all came flooding into my heart. I longed so much for a kiss, a heartfelt kiss, a hug, a gentle compliment, sweet nothings being whispered on my ear. I longed for what love used to be, I was alone.

I too thought that telling my H wouldnt do any good. I mean... why open a can of worms? right? Why tell this man I was feeling empty, miserable and that I was petting the idea of an EA? I was strong enough, I could handle it, if they contacted me again, which they didn't, I could handle it myself.

I thought about it, and I was very close to not telling, but then I remembered how much I hated being left in the dark with my H's misgivings. I told him, I explained him what was going through my head, with excrutiating detail, word by word, feeling by feeling. I recalled the entire thing for him.

He listened, nodded, and understood. He decided it was time to win his wife back and pay me more attention. He decided that I was a woman to be cherished and that he was not to give me for granted. He understood that there are plenty of men out there willing to do whatever it takes to be the one to have me in their arms.

We filled the Emotional Needs questionaire again. I pointed more sincerely my needs, what he was doing wrong, and right, what I needed the most, and he studied it and understood it. He has been working very hard on it, and I can tell you, I havent felt compelled to any kind of EA for months and months now. I blocked all my old xbfs and I will continue to do so if they keep insisting on being disrespectful to my marriage and my wishes.

J-Bird, on my opinion, the most important thing for a good longlasting relationship is trust. If you don't trust your H enough to tell him the truth, how can you expect him to trust you when you do tell him??? The sooner he finds out from YOU, the easier it will be for him to believe that was all. Please tell him everything, don't leave stuff out. My husband did, and that took me through hell and back one time too many.

If he loves you, he will understand, he will appreciate your sincerity. J Bird, if he loves you and trusts you he will be willing to believe the moon is made of cheese if you tell him so.

Be honorable, do the right thing.
Be strong.

...bump for J-Bird

Can someone explain what a bump is? And a thread? Thanks! I'm new to this scene!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

J Bird,
I agree with Alostwife. The easy thing to do would be to sweep all of this under the rug and not tell your Husband. I think you should tell him. If you approach it correctly it will help your M. You had a choice and you picked your H again. If I was your H I'd be proud of how you handled this. Tell him that you are telling him that you believe in 100% honesty.
When my W started her EA with the OM I wish she had come to me and had been honest enough to say ," I have these feelings for him that I don't understand." She didn't and so we had to go through the pain of discovery, lies of ommission and commission, the rationalizations etc etc.
We are now thankfully on road to recovery.

Hi J-Bird,

I'm fairly new myself and it took me awhile to figure out the intricacies of this site too. I'm sure there's lots I still don't know.

A thread is all the posts you get under your Topic. I will be about number 14 (14th reply) in your thread on "Young, married, confused and upset".

A 'bump' or 'going up' etc. is how your topic (thread) is sent up to the top of all the topics posted so people will continue to see it and respond. Puts your topic back at the top of the list.

As for whether to tell or not, I personally would tell my H if I were in your position. I am a BS and back 4 years ago my H acknowledged an EA he was having. You know the story...'just friends' and all that. I was glad he told me and it made me trust him even more than I already did. He swore he wouldn't see her again and every time I asked he said he hadn't. So all was good between us for the next four years.

On the down side, he lied to me and he never stopped seeing her and in fact they had a 4 year EA/PA that included him even having her in our bed many times. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> His A started very innocently too and he says he regrets it so much. I did not understand the turmoil an A causes before it happened to me. I live in a world of paradoxes now which causes untold amounts of stress in our lives. See my thread on Web of Paradoxes if you want to understand that further.

Web of Paradoxes....

And I am one of the lucky ones. My H stopped seeing OW immediately after D-day #2 (I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and is working hard to repair our M. And even so it has been worse than my worse nightmare. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The bottom line is this....my H telling me the truth four years ago strengthened my trust in him. It was everything that happened after that that tore us apart.

I'm really happy for you that you managed to find help and get straightened out before things got worse. You are amazingly wise for your years.

EC

J-Bird:

You are to be commended for recognizing the perils of your renewed interest in Chad, and you are very fortunate to have discovered this web site. It is a treasure trove of wisdom. But as useful as the forum is, you really need to take advantage of the rest of the site - I refer specifically to the many articles and Q&A columns written by Dr. Harley. Please read this material. Pay particular attention to the concept of radical honesty.

According to the policy of radical honesty, you owe it to your husband to tell him about your relationship with Chad, and your new and disturbing feelings. While you're at it, tell him how much you love him and how you want to take immediate action to stop anything that might weaken your marriage to hime.

Your husband needs to know about Chad so that he knows about the dangers of leaving you alone for extended periods. With that knowledge, he can join you in taking precautions that will protect your marriage against emotional affairs. Or, as you fear, he could decide that the precautions are too much trouble, and that he would rather divorce you. Frankly, I think that is unlikely. Nevertheless, it is HIS decision to make. You should not deny him this choice by withholding such important facts about yourself.

The alternative - keeping a secret from your husband - will undermine your marriage. And the longer you keep the secret, the harder it will be to reveal it. So, do yourself and your husband a favor and come clean at the first opportunity.

You strike me as a remarkable young woman. Your husband is a lucky man, and if you do the right thing, you and he will have a lifetime of happiness.

DH