I also posted this in "just found out"

I finally got many of my questions/concerns answered tonight. I made a list and he responded to each. I Found out a few days ago that she had contacted him on his birthday by e-mail (he didn't open, deleted it) and she called him at his job. He said his response to the phone call was "Thank You" and he ended it. He at that time did not tell her Not to contact him.....in any way. Agreed that by keeping in touch as "Friends" was unfair to me, hurting us, and giving her hope.
BTW, this girl has a history of infidelity, he told me that she has been unfaithfull to everyone that she had been in a relationship with. She has several children by several diffent me. He agreed to get tested for STD's.
He however agreed to do so today, and sent a (Do not contact) e-mail, also asking her not to respond to it. Hours later, the phone starts ringing, I answer......CLICK, the pattern keep repeating, over and over, finally he answers...too late. Of course, we both know who it is. Who else has the maturity of a infant?
I check our e-mail and found that she had sent a "pleasent" little note.....(ignoring the no contact request).Saying she can't understand why the can't "be friends"??! (Hello, does homewrecking,respect for me,stalking not ring a bell?). Said that she was actually "Thinking" that he would make a wonderfull"Role Model"(Shes teaching them infidelity is okay?) for her kids but no longer thought so...since he does not value their "Friendship"(If she did, she would understand why his relationship is more valuable and respect it.)She said she is "angry".....Stalker?
So, now what? I know she will contact him at work, she will not quit trying. Obviously, I can't go to work with him, and tapping buisness phones is out of the question.I have to trust that he will verbally tell her when she calls.
Or...should I contact her and have a nice little chat? or e-mail? I am smart enough to know not to pay her a visit, since I still have pleasant dreams of throttling her. I need to verify that he follows through. Maybe I should rent "Fatal Attraction" for our movie night?
Honestly...Is it time for my voice to be heard?

Thank you all.....
Bless

Short1smile,

Be strong!!!

She is LB'ing all over the place, showing her true nature to your H, and she doesn't have a HOPE of winning him back.

Love and light,

Jacky

short1smile
I can relate here.GF has an exbf that she lived with over 10 years ago.He is the father of two of her kids. He is one bad dude,he hung around with the wrong people,started to use and deal in drugs,robbed banks and in a drug induced rage he beat her to a pulp.He was sent away after GF turned him in.He got out once but robbed three banks and was sent back in agian. He is always phoning her and sending letters,He talks like he going to get back together with her and be a happy family . The girl was only three when he was sent away and the boy was 4 months so there is no bond there and the kids really don't wish to see him.But he tries to get her to bring them to the prision that is like 8 hours away and general from what I've read from his letters he is a real nut case. Some of this stuff is not even based in reality.
Like you I wish I could have a chat with him or do something. But it's up the her and I've told her she better get a court order to keep him away or when he gets out in three years he going to cause alot of grief for her. Like you I do not know what to do and there isn't anything I can do.Maybe after we get married Maybe I'll be able to do something but thats for the future

231

Short1Smile,

Don't get mad ... get even. Close the loop hole each time. Make a note of the frequency of the call and if she left naty message on your machine ... file R.O. for harrasment. If she didn't do it that often ... call you local phone company to block her number. Email ... some email system allows you to forward her email to delete folder. Or sit back and ignored her ... let her get tired and hope she is not like Orchid's PBR.

-RH-

<small>[ July 23, 2002, 02:12 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Thank you all. After spending yet another sleepless night thinking...I still can't seem to decide whether to respond (might encourage her) or to allow her to continue interfering. She has been calling and hanging up all morning, not sure if there is anything that authorities could do to nip that problem, besides, she would just call him at work, she probably has by now anyways.
Not sure what her motives are by calling here and hanging up?
I'm just so hurt and angry now that I know not to react while not thinking clearly.

I only moved here (700 miles from home)a few weeks ago. I still haven't unpacked completely. I thought I had healed enough to come back, now.....
not so sure. My family, friends and support system is so far away..I feel so trapped...can't help but wonder if his thoughts on me moving here were to "have his cake" and....

Can't understand why she will not respect us and stay away. How can she even respect herself? Concerned about the possiblity of STD's since she has a history of being promiscious (obviously)and very angry that he would risk exposing me to it!

I know she will not give up, at the end of her message she asked him to call her "if he ever becomes the person she thought she knew and used to be friends with". and asked what he wants her to do with things he left there? she said she would either burn them or leave them outside...trying to bait him to get a response.

Now what? since she so obviously has no respect, should I step in? or continue to bite my tongue?

Just so angry now and don't want to respond in anyway that will bite me in the rump later.

Thanks again,
Bless

I can totally relate to your situation. The OW in my situation just won't go away. After almost 6 months of no contact between her and my H, she called again. These people are obsessed, and therefore are going to continue to engage in destructive behavior. We blocked her number on our phone - if you already pay for this service on your phone plan, it is really easy to do. So she tries calling his cell phone. Our policy is that H doesn't pick up or return a call. And he is to tell me immediately.

I can't tell you how badly I have wanted to call her and give her a piece of my mind! But I have bit my tounge through the entire ordeal. If I engaged her, it would only encouage her. I think that is a given in these situations. She would probably love it if you called her because it would give her an opportunity to say hateful things to you, and put you down on her level- in her mind. I say just hold back. Definitely block her number at your home. If she tries calling from another phone, call the police and tell them she is harrasing you. Sometimes one intimidating phone call from the cops will do the job. Do the very same if she calls him at work. Block her email - or save copies and turn those into the cops as well.

You are not powerless here, even if it does feel that way. Ignoring her completely is probably the best weapon you and your H have (As hard as that is to do.)It will drive her nuts and eventually she'll have no choice to quit.

Good luck - I know it sucks!!!

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Hear Me Roar ]</small>

i was getting the hang ups too-very annoying. so one day i was in a playfull mood and wxplained to the "caller" that my husband and i were engaged in some very nasty behavior at the moment and if they had nothing to say i was gonna go--the calls stopped.

We've been stalked too and when I did research about the subject, one source said to have a second line installed. You tell your family and friends only the number and swear them to secrecy. Then you take that original number, attach a phone to that line with an answering machine, turn off the ringer, and place it in a room preferrably under the bed. The stalker still will call the number thinking they're doing a number on your family. You're not bothered, have records for the police if it comes to that, and the stalker is none the wiser. I thought it was smart.

Hi,

Not sure where you are located but each phone company along with the police have harrassment policies. In addition to that privacy manager and caller id are options that maybe available from your phone service company. Also the police can tap your line and find out who is harrassing by phone.

You have options. You can also change your phone number but if you are dealing with a psyco OW (like PBR), you may have to resort in bringing in the law.

File a harrassment order and have your H file a restraining order as well (can't remember which is which but in our area, you actually have to have had S3x with the OW before the RO can be filed - something kooky like that.

How cooperative is your H? A lot depends on how he handles the OW. If he is softpeddling his dealings with her (so as not to 'hurt' her feelings), these calls may continue and even get worse. Let your H know that her continued intrusion in your family is jepordizing your safety. Let the police know that as well. Does she have your home address?

You can also have her e-mail account closed if she is sending your abusive or suggestive e-mail. Easy to do. Contact the e-mail service's abuse hotline.

Notify all neighbors and school (if you have little ones) to be on the look out for the OW if she may physically come to your area. I notified my child's school and daycare.

Yes, I rented that movie and both the WS and I watched it at 5:30am. At the time he said that the OW was nothing like that but she did have many of the obsessive traits. So I took action on notifying my neighbors and school.

Was I paranoid or overprotective? No. Just cautious. The WS (at the time) told me I was paranoid. I told him that I did not feel safe even though the WS had moved out. So at night when I heard noises or any sort, guess who got a phone call. I didn't care even if it woke him and the OW up. LOL!!!

By the way, PBR stands for psyco babble rabbit. There is a long story to that name but I think you get the gist of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hope this helps.
L.

Many thanks to each of you again. The calls have been less frequent now. Seems like they escalated immediatly after he sent his nc letter. I have been using *57 to trace them if it comes to legal action. She only seems to do it when I am home, not sure what her motives are...possibly just to mess with my head (obviously has no respect) or maybe hearing my voice makes the end (?) of the a more real for her.

I did receive quite a few yesterday, so much so that I took the phone off the hook for a few hours. Which upset ws, I simply said that I didn't cause this, I should not have to be on guard in my home. He agreed/suggested that we should change the number.

Still have yet to unpack, anger at ws for defending her stalking actions. During plan b I completely cut off contact with ws. Was moving ahead with my life and frankly was happy without the drama. He contacted me, asked me to move here to be with him. To me it was worth saving...
Now that we are attempting to mend the broken pieces, this...

Is it wrong for me to still harbor this anger? it surprised me. When I was so far away it was not as strong, now closer to the a origins, it seems in my face.
Angry and hurt that he makes excuses for her behaviour, for protecting her. After all she was just as guilty a participant, even more so now after the stalking.

I just feel like packing up and hitting the road.

Thanks again...I can't tell you guys how much you assist me in staying grounded and focused.

Bless to all

S1S,

No, this anger is normal, you are discovering new situations (and emotions) to deal with. Stay strong...

Why don't the both of you (you and H) pack up and move out?? New address, new numbers.
No, you shouldn't have to, FOW is completly in the wrong, but you can't control her, you can control you and your reactions.
The FOW is testing your (again, you and H) resolve to make your M work. Her ranting and raving and childish actions will show her true nature....she has played this game often while you have not, if you join her game who do you think will win? HMMMM, no one really, the rollercoster will just take a new turn.....

You H may be making excuses for her beheavior because H knows he is, if not enforcing NC, and was the reason for all of this. His excuses may be to deflect his guilt and sense of responsibility for what's happening, making excuses for himself somewhat. He should truly own up to his responsibility when he does he won't feel the need to make excuses.

Tell your H with open honesty what worries you and how you feel. I'm thinking as part of your recovery you two have agreed to the rule of Honesty?? Sure hope so...

Stalking is wrong and in many states a crime. No matter the reason that may have started it, it is wrong....

Good luck, the rollercoaster continues, but now your both in the same car...

DRS