Hope,

I copied your reply from a post by "local":

"It's definatly a mixed message when the WS repeats consistantly that they no longer love you, want nothing more than to get rid of the marriage, yadda yadda yadday...and then NEVER get off their lazy butts and actually file. (I was one of these, BTW, and only finally DID file when I was pushed).

I can think of several reasons for dragging the feet. For one, often the wayward spouse confused. They spout absolute surity about this or that, but in reality they say it to try to convince themselves as much as you. They also don't want responsibility for the downfall of the marriage. They KNOW the A was damaging, but often they say it's a symptom, not the cause...so therefore it was the BS's fault in the first place. If they can tire or badger the BS in to doing the filing it feeds in to their "victim" status...after all *boo hoo* the BS "gave up" on them (I was EXTREMELY guilty of that one). Another reason is pure laziness. Often the WS is too lazy to put forth effort in to fixing the marriage they have, so they figure it will just be easier (and more fun) to start a new relationship. But the actual work of divorcing...far to strenuous to waste their time on.

I'm sure there are TONS of reasons....those are just a few that come to mind."

This really hit home with me. You know my story and how my W has dragged her feet so far with the D. I moved out this weekend and am doing fine. I guess what I'm struggling with is that I want to let my W know that although I moved out, I haven't given up on our marriage. It was a necessary step for my own well being, but in no way am I closing the door on our marriage. I'm not exactly sure how to convey that to her. I have an appt with Steve Harley tomorrow to get his advice, but any advice from you would be appreciated.

Incidently, my W called me several times this weekend for trivial things that didn't really warrant a phone call. She also stopped by on Saturday to drop off our daughter before work. She seemed a little surprised at how settled in I was. It's only been a couple of days, but I've seen and heard from her more than I care to.

sad dad

Sad Dad,

No I am not H4F, but I would like in on this one if possible. I hope that is O.K.

I get the constant messages from my WW that she does not want to work on us. She thinks D is the right thing to do, etc. Unfortunately, the more she says it, the more I believe it (maybe this is what she wants). I do think she is searching for vindication about her A by forcing me to leave or get divorced. It is because of that I think I will not be the one leaving or filling for divorce. I think I am stronger than her and can stick it out longer. After all, I did not mess up, she did.

I have no answers or insite just more questions. I am reassured that you are doing well. I may be in the same boat you are in a couple of months no matter how determined I am to stick it out.

Sad Dad, I think that's a VERY good reason for a Plan B letter. Did you ever write one? It's a "love letter" that lets your spouse know your intentions and the reasons behind it. You let her know how much you still care for her and would like to have a fulfilling and loving marriage together as a family, but that you've come to a point where you need to distance from the situation until she decides to take some action towards a decision one way or another. It also helps define your boundries and why you have them.

I will say, though, that I did the very same thing with calling for little stupid stuff at first. It was a big adjustment period and I guess I still wanted that contact. The thing is...she's not going to "get it" if she doesn't have to suffer the consequences of her action. So try to remain unavailable (get caller ID and an answering machine...if it's that important she can leave a message). And if there does need to be contact...sound happy and healthy, maybe don some new clothing so you look good (whenever I would smell cologne on my H I just KNEW he was heading out to try to meet women...drove me NUTS), make sure you're place is together etc... I'm sure she believed you wouldn't make it without her...but if she sees you can maybe she'll realize some of her other assumptions are wrong too!

Chameleon...just remember, I said I was sure I wanted a DV, I didn't love hubby, then I NEVER loved hubby yadda yadda yadda.... My husband believed me too. Heck, everyone believed me...cept me. I kept looking for the reasons NOT to...thing was, I wasn't getting GUARANTEES, I kept hearing "if you work at it hard enough" etc etc.. I was just sure I would be miserable and angry and we'd be wasting our time...so I did things "my way". Well gee, a nice dose of reality helped bring me down from my high horse quite a bit.

h4f,

Very sound advice as usual. I guess the question I still have, and it may be one for Steve H., is that is plan B only for when the EA is still ongoing?. I believe it's over, at least as far as them having any future together, although she may still talk to him at work. With a young child, the future sale of the house and the D, some contact will be necessary. I'll talk to Steve about it.

I'm sure my W knows I can make it without her. I lived on my own for 9 years before we got married. I am completely self sufficient. She, however, may not be. She moved from her parents house into ours. Thanks.

sad dad

h4f,

The pointless phone calls continued. One to ask if I took a throw rug from the kitchen (I threw it out a month ago). One to ask if I let the dog out when I stopped by after work (she was already on her way home after work and knew I would have let him out). Another to ask if the cable box in the basement would work with the TV in the bedroom (why wouldn't it?). I also got a call from my daugther asking me why I'm staying at grandma's house (I'm living in her vacant TH). I simply told her I don't live there anymore. I've really got to talk to Steve H. about this. If she doesn't want to be married to me anymore, she's got to stop relying on me.

sad dad

I don't think the Plan B letter is just for an ongoing affair. I think it's a letter of intent. She's not overstepping boundries, because you haven't outlined any. I still think if you can avoid most of the nuisance calls...do so.

And do talk to Steve if you get a chance. He'd probably have some good ideas.

I'm sure she's feeling the effects of you not being there more so than you are. And if your daughter is constantly asking about you (our son did that to both of us) the consequences will start to hit home.

h4f,

You're right, I haven't set any boundaries. Right now, unless she wants to discuss reconciling, I want nothing to do with her except for parenting issues. I don't want to be her friend. Friends don't lie to, betray or blame each other. I'm sure Steve will help me with that. Thanks.

sad dad

h4f,

I spoke to Steve H. and discussed plan B with him. He advised me not to do that at this time as it will look as though I had it planned all along and was just waiting to get out before initiating it. He said all the calls from my W will serve as reminders to her of all the things I took care of that she depended on me for. He said to just monitor the frequency and purpose of the calls for a while. If they continue, but the tone or purpose of them doesn't change I may need to go to some type of plan B to protect myself from feeling used, enabling or being hurt any further.

He said if she brings up selling the house, not to stall it. Partly to "let her go" and partly because I have a financial interest to protect.

He also said that she may feel more unhappy now that I'm gone, but typically at that point WS's feel that it's because the D isn't final yet, so I need to be prepared for her to push that. He told me to take any opportunity I get to reinforce that I moved out because it was just too painful to continue living like we were when I believe in my heart we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. He said it's important not to tell her I'm moving on or getting on with my life, not that I shouldn't do that, just don't tell her that I am. That would be inviting her to give up.

sad dad

Well see, I'm glad you talked to him! Makes sense too! And yes, I would agree 800% that she will believe any current unhappiness is just "adjustment" or due to the divorce not being final. I did that too...kept catagorizing my feelings as "normal due to divorce" but nothing to act on. Atleast things are happening for you now...and not just stagnant.

h4f,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong>I did that too...kept catagorizing my feelings as "normal due to divorce" but nothing to act on.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What exactly do you mean by this? What kept you from proceeding with the D when you felt like this?

Now that we're not living together, I do feel a sense of relief. I just want to take some time to recharge my battery. Hopefully my W will give me, and herself, some time before pressing forward with the D.

More phone calls today. She called twice to ask how my mom was doing. We just placed her in a nursing home after a very difficult 4 months. She has alzheimer's and was in a psyche ward during that time due to violent and paranoid behavior. My W showed very little concern for me, my sisters or my mom during that ordeal. Why the sudden concern?

I guess all I can do now is wait it out.

sad dad

The divorce would have gone ahead...but...I heard about my H dating and I lost it big time. Sent me in to a HUGE panic and made me process some things I had avoided up to that point. It kind of forced me in to doing something...either letting go for good, knowing full well someone was waiting in the wings more than happy to help him pick up the pieces...or take a chance and try to pull it all back together. I took the chance...thankfully, so did he.

Yup...time to hurry up and wait... Try to keep busy...it will not only make the time go by, but also help you be somewhat unavailable to the hoards of calls!!!