I was hoping that all I needed was a good weekend with my WW and that would make all the difference. Time alone together. AHHH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

More like AUUUUG! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Tried talking about my feelings with her. Did not get far enough. She said she was not feeling much better (still withdrawal) and she said that she expect D was the right thing to do after A. Scared, I crumbled with my plan to tell her everything I was feeling. Tried to squeak out of the D discussion. She said that the A would always define her in our marriage. I told her that even if she did D she would still feel this way. I told her it was not the A that defines someone, but what your actions are after the A. I told her everyone makes mistakes. I believe all of this in my heart. I did tell her I was just laying low until the withdrawal was over, trying not to be too active working on the M. I told her again that I was not willing just to stick in the marriage just for the kids, that I wanted us to get the feelings back and be like we were.

She had very little comment about that.

Then the BIG THING happened:
I walked in on her while she was doing something on the computer and the screen flashed. I asked her what she was doing and she said emailing something. She would not tell me to whom, but she said it was about us; it was not OM, or another guy. Just a girlfriend I would not know. IS THIS SUSPICIOUS or what. I was mad. She asked me why and I told her because I told her everyone I told about the A. Why will you not tell me? She said it was because she could have a personal life and she did not want me checking her email from this person.

Rationally she may not be telling me whom she is emailing for several reasons:
1) OM contact
2) Friend I know
3) Embarrassed about what she is writing to the Friend.
4) Could be her or my family member?

Deep in my heart I think I can cross out number 1. Probably most likely number 3.

What do you think? Am I overreacting?

I think I am going to write her a quick email about my feelings and I am going to still try to get a MC this week.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 05:47 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

UP FOR Help.

I guess this is a little messy to reply to.

Talked to my WW anyways this morning instead of email. Told her it was hard for me when she hides things because I think she is emailing OM. She understood, she said if she was doing that she would not do it while I was home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I told her I would respect her privacy, and told her I have somewhere to vent (here) why shouldn't she.

I guess I should not be too tough on her. I am hiding here anyway. Did not tell her my new screen name I do not want her knowing everything I am feeling now. I guess she feels the same way after our last blowup.

Chameleon,

At the mo' you seem to be doing the right things. She is evasive, probably still in withdrawal. You are right to explain how you feel but don't expect a fully rational reply because they don't see it, the fog is still there.

Look after yourself, you've said your piece so don't bring it up again unless you REALLY need to, continue your Plan A, avoid turning this into an LB, take some care of yourself.

Small steps... you did good saying how you felt, she replied moderately which is a good thing.

As to the D, someone told me until they file it's all hot air <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ben.

I'll give you the same advice I did 2long....focus on YOU. Focusing on what she's thinking or doing, or whether she really means this or that....will only drive you nuts. Because it's sporadic confused foggy thinking, based on depression and emotion...not fact and reason.

Have you considered individual counseling yet?

I will say that a strong, emotionally healthy spouse is much more attractive than a needy, emotional, basket case. I'm NOT saying that's what you are....just that you want to avoid becoming one! Gather strength and quit focusing on her fog.

The Running Man,

I think she means what she says about the D, that is why it is so disturbing. Divorce to her is the only "right" thing to do.
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Hey Hope,

I guess, like most people here, I am looking for the baby steps to use as motivation. I am not saying that it is right, but I just can't help trying to analyze everthing she says or does.

No decision on individual IC. Really do not have much free money. I guess if my WW gets less expensive hair cuts and coloring and shops less .... NO.. I am just kiding. I guess I could prioritize better and afford the IC. Frankly, I do not want any counseling. I know I am screwed up in the head right now and I know why. What more is there then that?

I am a NEEDY, EMOTIONAL, BASKET CASE about 40% of the time. Who else would spend roughly 6 hours online in these forums. I am certifiably nuts. Fortunately, when I am around her I project as a strong stable person. When I am away from her, I am nuts. Strange how that goes.

The only way to get over all of this is to let my wife go (emotionally). I do not want to do this because I am scared that I won't care about trying after that point. I guess I am almost there anyways.

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: chameleon ]</small>

Hi.

I am in a daze today so please forgive.

I think it is only fair that we have our moments of need. After your advice on my posting I confronted my WH about my feelings of isolation and rejection. I told him that I missed his touch. I told him so far it has been all about his needs and how I did not meet them but what about me? I withdrew from him because he did not meet my needs but his solution was to build resentment and look outside the marriage. I told him now he was doing to me what he said I did to him. The only difference is that now I was going to tell him how I felt to avoid resentment and going outside the marriage to meet my needs. Of course his answer was who would want me. Your 43 with 3 kids and look anorexic.

He is in such a bad mood and I feel it may be withdrawl. The A is no fun anymore and probably not thrilling. Still no definitve answer yet. I am at the 1 month mark to my goal.

Hang in there. Trust is a tricky thing now. They want you so desperately to trust them and can't understand why we cannot blanketly trust them.

Have a great day and do something nice for yourself.

I want so much to advise and help you through your pain, as you have mine. My WW is no doubt in her fog and I can see clearly that nothing is clear...yet I hope.

It is apparent that everything you are doing is worth the effort, regardless of the results. I have learned quickly, NOT to put expectations on any thing I do, right now. I do feel that to quote a classic.
"It is a far better thing I do today, than I have ever done before."

Your advice and insight to me has helped so much. Listen to it.

TERRY

"I know I am screwed up in the head right now and I know why. What more is there then that?"

How about learning skills to deal with it? How about some help with emotional growth, acceptance, pain management etc etc etc...

Yes, you know the source of your greatest pain right now...but knowing and knowing what to do about it are two different things. My husband got a LOT of good out of counseling and said he'd advise ANYONE to try it. And he's about the last person on earth I'd expect to say that...so NO EXCUSES!!!

Counseling would be something you would do for yourself AND your children. It might teach them to accept help from others, instead of always thinking you have to be strong enough to handle things yourself (like they are learning from BOTH of you right now!!!) Trust me...you'd feel a LOT better if you talked to someone.

RNROSCOE,

Way to go on sharing your feelings. I guess I need to take some of my own medicine. Remember, you sharing your feelings was only about you, not him. It unloaded the burden didn't it? Does for me too. How did you feel by his response? I hope you did not get sad. If you did, you were expecting too much out of him and you were looking for validation. He was so unkind. Typical of WS's in a fog.

Sounds like he made need some space. If he is angry, there is almost nothing you can do to fill his needs, so don't try. Back WAY OFF and let him breathe. Try not to focus on the time left. This date you have in your mind is flexible, right? Timing is important. Do you have everything in order for the one month date?

Thanks for the help. I feel better today. I think I have decided (again) that I am just going to feel good for a change. Not look for any validation or hapiness from my M, because God knows there will not be any there for a super long time. I am just happy to be alive, have two wonderful children (6 m and 2.9 yr), beautiful cosy quiet house, good paying flexible job, etc. The only thing not quite right is my M, and that speaks for around 90% of the marriages anyway. My sons birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. He will be three. He is all boy. Peeing in the front yard and everything.
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Terry,

I responded to your WW's post. I hope I was not too harsh. I only wish I could take my own medicine. It is easier said and advised then done.
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Hey Hope,

CLOSE YOUR EARS AND EYES BECAUSE HER COMES SOME MORE EXCUSES: SORRY GOT ALOT OF NEGATIVITY TO GET OVER ABOUT IC:
I know I am an emotional adolescent, but I think I need some time and bad stuff like this to grow. I am not so sure that an IC will help me with that. How much help was the IC for you? Is anything he will say different then what we already know, read about, advice others about, etc. Is my thinking that far off? Additionally, I need to know that the IC has the same philisophical approach to life as I do. This is terribly difficult (if not impossible) to find. I would have to find a biblically based IC, and I research some church based IC in my area, and almost none of them have ANY schooling!!!! Just ma and pa who have been married for 25+ years and think they have a handle enough at it to give it a go. Can you see my dilema. I would prefer to dump money out the window.

Sounds like you are better today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Of course I was sad when he did not validate my feelings but at least I recognized that's what I was doing. WH didn't really know what to say about the fact that he is not meeting my needs although I think I did have pity physical contact with him. I hate that pity sex. Anyway I could have said no but it was a nice distraction <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All in all he tries. I told him I knew he was giving me all he had right now. WH is so guilty. He is starting to realize how much he missed at night when he was gone instead of spending time with kids. His loss.

OW was at YD soccer practice last night. Whenshe saw me she tried the stare thing. I ignored her and read my book. When she did not get the response she wanted, she left <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Every day is a like gain.

Yup, I hear lots of excuses...and so far none so valid as to change my mind!!

I think you're a bit off on your perception of counselors. Ma and pop? Huh??? H and I went to a professional...had a DEGREE and EVERYTHING! ooh rah. The first one didn't do us much good...but we went to another one. She was FABULOUS!

Yes, this website and various books are helpful...but remember you have only YOUR OWN way of percieving what you learn. A counselor is a great way to bounce off ideas and get another perspective.

And it's not a counselors job to try to brainwash you or change your life's philosophy...it's their job to offer you other ways to think about things. Surely you don't think your way is the only way???

I don't think mis-processing pain and bad situation causes growth. I think you're suffering unnecessarily. Quit thinking you have to be the victim of your wifes mistakes....you do have other choices.

I wish you'd reconsider. Hubby and I threw TONS of money "out the window" trying to figure things out...and in my opinion every cent was worth it to get where we are today. Both individually and as a couple.

Hey Hope,

I guess I am stubborn. O.K. Here is the deal. I will try out a MC first. I want to do this because I think a good mediator is needed for assisting communication in tough times like this. I hope that will ease my anxieties of the IC potential. If I do this, will you lay off the IC a little. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I do not think I have all of the answers. I do think I have all of the questions though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am having a terrific day. Get to go home early too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />