I hardly know how to express my thoughts, but I haven't told anyone about my fears/feelings since I discovered my husband of 17 years was calling a coworker who lives in another town on his cell phone. I found out about this August 2001. We discussed it for a few months after I found out. He told me the phone conversations was all there was to it. That he loved me and that they were not sleeping together. All of this sounds like what you would want to hear but I read so many post here and (to get the OW side of the story) at TOW where relationships go right on just as before being discovered. My husband has stopped calling her on his cell phone (I check on line) but I have no idea what he is doing at work or via e-mail (he has his own computer at work, I have no access to it or any passwords for it or his voicemail) For about six months following my discovery I was like a woman possessed, I snooped in his wallet, I looked at his phone to see who had called him (she has an unlisted phone number and to this day he has calls that say "number not available") I guess I feel there is no way for me to be sure if their relationship is over...or what their relationship consisted of ... he tells me they were not sleeping together but I will never know. Bottom line I don't trust my husband...I was shocked to learn he was interested in and calling another woman...( he said he was concerned about her well being but he never mentioned it to me) I don't take being lied to or being kept in the dark lightly. It has almost been one year and I feel in some ways I should be over this and moving on. I fear in some ways I am never going to get over this. We don't talk about it anymore, my husband knows he has hurt me but he also thinks I am overreacting...because after all, all he did was call this woman...but do I just accept this as truth...from someone I don't trust. I don't have any open ended questions to ask I just feel like there is this wound inside of me that has grown over but not healed and sometimes it feels like it will burst open and out will come such hurt, distrust, bitterness, weariness, lack of self esteem and self confidence. It takes such energy to fight these feeling and stay controlled. I need release but have no way to get it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Acme

Hi, Acme, I am so sorry that you are hurting. I have been there also, with a compassionate and understanding husband who cannot see when a vulnerable woman is trying to hook him. If your husband cannot see this, then you need to get into some books, like SAA, where you can show him that even though he is not in a physical affair he is involved in an emotional affair and they are just as destructive to his marriage. He will eventually get it, trust me. I also discovered my husband's affair through his cell phone records, but his A had been physical for two years before I even caught on. By the time I found out, H was so relieved to be able to end it that I was spared withdrawal and major LBs like most of the people who meet here to talk. We are still in recovery, just beginning it actually, and there are plenty of additional problems, such as OW's refusal to believe that the A is over. Check out my new thread for more info if you are interested.

The point being, damage is being done to your relationship and there doesn't have to be a physical affair for that to happen. Continue to be loving and understanding, try not to make demands of him, but gently remind him of where his priorities should be. Let me know if I can help.

Thank you Tere38 for your words of encouragement. I have told my husband about emotional affairs but he says he did not have an affair with this woman that he was concerned for her. I do not know when he started calling her since he would have called her at work and he has any number of reasons to call that office. I do know when he started calling her on her cell phone (July 01) and when he started calling her home phone (August 01). He would call her when he was out of town on business and very early in the morning, as early as 4:30 am, and as late as 8:30 in the evening. Always when he was away from home either in town or out . One time he called her 4 times on his cell phone coming home for a business trip that was about 3 hours away. See, I can remember things that happened last summer like they happened yesterday, they seem to be burned into my memory and I cannot escape what is in my mind. I vacillate between emotions of cutting my loses and leaving the marriage to fear our marriage will end and what the affect it would have on our three children to I will just live with the status quo without trust, without passion. I don't love my husband the way I use to, I loved who I married but to me that man no longer exist.

I totally relate to what you have said. The same has happened to me. I don't know how to get past it. He doesn't have anything to do with her at all now, but she still calls and leaves him messages. I delete them before he can get them. I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not. I totally empathize with you. Best of luck!