My boyfriend and I of 3 years have decided to completely clear the air as to what we both have done in this relationship to ourselves and each other.

We both have admitted to being unfaithful and in the last week have found this website and embraced ALL of the advice and information on all the topics.

We both feel for the first time that we have tools to help us have a successful relationship. We both feel that we have a good foundation and need to work on better fulfilling each others emotional needs.

For a long time I asked/begged him to go to counseling to help him resolve some issues he had regarding his traumatic childhood and how that has affected his relationships with women.

His biggest fear was that he would go to counseling and the counselor would tell him that he should break up with me.

Today was his first appointment and in a 45 min session he told my boyfriend that he should break up with me. The reason? Not because he didn't love me and not because he doesn't want to be with me but because I cheated on him and the standard of fidelity is so low in our relationship because of us both cheating that there is no way we would be able to work it out and it would be easier for him to start over with a clean slate because of his guilt.

My question is this??? Is it realistic for a counselor to make such a dramatic determination after just 45 minutes? Or am I just being defensive because I don't like his advice?

Ginger,
I don't like the C's advice either, for a couple reasons:

1) If your SO is going to counseling for traumatic childhood issues, that seems to have little bearing on who he is with.

2) He was also unfaithful to you, how is he going to get a "clean slate"? Does he move out of his own skin as well? A new person rarely arrives with a "clean slate", we all have our baggage, difficulties, turmoil, trouble. You & your SO need guidance in developing a good relationship, even if you start over with a different person, if you don't know how to have a good relationship, you'll continue on with the bad habits/behaviors, like infidelity.

Not all counselors are good counselors, or a good match.

If he wants help in bettering his relationship with you, and you are both intent on learning better behaviors, then that is the direction the counselor should go. Not make "dump her" proclamations, especially since he has had the same behavior as you.

And, though you don't have a marital commitment, there are those of us here where both partners have been unfaithful and are going on with much better lives & behaviors. The counselor is wrong that it "never" works.

I agree with Lor, the "C" seems quick to judge and to be mighty one sided.Every person has a past history and though meeting someone new is new doesn't make you or your history change nor the other persons. Truely dealing with guilt is facing up to it, admitting as yous both have done and working to not do it again. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away, hiding it doesn't make it disappear, and pretending it never happened doesn't erase it. So how pray tell does the "C" think that new person means no more guilt? To top it he is guilty too. Both have to work on relationship and deal with the past. Both have to learn what is needed by each other and for yourselves, both have the chance to be happy together if you are willing to work towards it. This site is full of a wealth of information worth using and learning. I'm working on myself and hoping to touch hubby and show him the way. You have someone willing to go to it with you. Sieze the opportunity and give it all yous have. Wishing yous Happiness, awareness, honesty, and a full love bank ... God Bless

Ginger, you might find this helpful:

“Well-Meaning Therapists" in chapter 1 of "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis
(It starts on page 29).

This is where Michelle describes the problems traditional therapists have in dealing with affairs, and the whole chapter is devoted to all the different people who might be a part of your life who influence these situations, usually in the wrong manner, and lead to divorce. The section is called "The Divorce Trap"...very good stuff about therapists, and how NOT to listen to well-meaning friends & family.

Reading this, and my experience with 2 traditional family therapists, convinced me that the only way to go are "Infidelity Experts"; Harley people, Weiner-Davis people, etc. there's probably others too.

2 short excerpts:
quote:

...Although it may seem strange, the whole premise upon which traditional therapy is based may not be conducive to helping people work out problems when the going gets tough. For instance, therapists are trained to encourage people to pursue the parts of their lives that will bring personal happiness and satisfaction, even if these goals are at odds with what's best for the marriage, the children, or even the individual in question in the long run. The therapist wants you to feel good and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

quote:

Another significant aspect of therapists' training that makes marriage preservation more challenging is the idea that in order to solve problems, people must first understand what caused the problems. What this means is that if a couple is having marital difficulties, instead of helping the couple identify things the can do immediately to feel closer and more connected, many therapists first gather lots of information about how each spouse was raised. This is unfortunate because research shows that the average time a couple experiences problems before initiating therapy is six years! Six years! So by the time most couples seek help, they are in desperate need of answers. They don't need to become experts on why they are stuck! If therapy fails to offer an immediate sense of relief or hope that solutions are possible, most couples become more despondent and more likely to throw in the towel.

There. I finally said this!
Folks, THIS IS TRUE! I have lived it and can vouch for it. When we're in the middle of an affair, the LAST thing we need is to understand what childhood issues may have caused it, or to have both spouses pursue what's in their individual best interest.
What we need is "immediate relief" so the marriage can be saved; we'll have plenty of time later to find out that what our mom said freaked us out, and we'll certainly have time later to pursue our individual desires. What we need now is to save the marriage.

Yikes!!! Find another counselor, Ginger. A counselor's job is not to "tell" us anything. They should be there to help us sort through things and offer alternatives, maybe, but not to "tell" us what we should or shouldn't do.

Keep in mind that many who go into this line of work have often had many issues in their own lives, too. There are a lot of "wounded healers" out there. I've had several different therapists for several diffferent issues, and often, they were more messed up than me!! Proceed with caution, but keep looking.

Congratualations on deciding to do this with your bf now. If I had found this information, before I married, things would be very different.