I don't know why I can't get over this.

My H brought OW from his 4 yr A here, to our home, many times over the years. They made love in our bed. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> And she was left alone (only for short periods of time but many times), including in our bedroom, affording her the ability to go through all my things even without my H knowing it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have rearranged all the rooms in the house a number of times and even replaced some furniture.

I can't seem to get over feeling violated by her. Unfortunately getting a new bed and/or moving are not options for us right now.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get this out of my head? I think our M could be heading down the road to recovery much quicker if I could just get past this and the the haunting words "4 years" that just keep running through my mind constantly.

I'm sorry, but I don't care what sacrifices would need to be made in order to get rid of that bed, I would make them!! I mean, an inflatable mattress would do the trick!! I think you really need to get rid of the mattresses at the very least. It may cost money to replace, but how much is your peace of mind worth? A whole lot more I'd say. You need to start over - If you can't move out of the house, then at least get rid of the things in the house that are triggers for you. You'll never move past things until you do that. Your H just needs to understand and accept these things and do whatever it takes to make you feel better in your surroundings.

HMR,

Believe me, I am with you on that one. I would love nothing more that to get rid of the bed.

Unforunately, I have been saving for weeks just to be able to buy a book or two which I am just in the process of deciding which one (hopefully two) to buy. I know it's hard to believe that anyone can be that bad off financially and in fact, I wouldn't have understood it myself not that long ago.

But I really appreciate that you seem to understand the turmoil in my life. Thanks so much for the validation.

Well - I have a copy of "Affairs- a guide to working through the repercussions of infidelity" by Emily Brown. It is helpful in the early stages of recovery. I'm not sure how I could do it, but I'd be happy to send it to you. I'm sure that there are many others here that have many of the books on your list. Maybe there are others her that would be happy to donate a book? I don't know how I would contact you - unless your comfortable posting your email. Is there any way to do this confidentially??

You should never require validation for your feelings. Let them go. You deserve to feel like you do. Sleep on the floor if you have to. You do not need a bed to sleep (right).

Seriously though, knowing that you should not feel a need to be validated for having feelings, you need to consider why you are having these feelings so that you can deal with them. If you got rid of the bed, what next, the furniture, the house, your H's clothes he wore during the A, the carpet, then eventually and more importantly your H. You can see where this leads. Your H is the one that should be put out the door above your furniture and your bed. These things did not do any wrong. Your H hurt you so much he makes you hate everything you two built together.

So why is it you feel a need to get rid of the things that remind you of the A. The A was real. Have you forgiven your H?

Think to why the A happened. Do you know why? Have you dealt with this? Have you changed yourself? The affair is just a symptom of what was going wrong with the marriage. The A had nothing to do with you but what your M had become. Your H looked for things that were missing in the M not what was missing in you.

The OW did not violate you, your H violated you by not protecting you and by betraying your vows and your trust.

Is the A still going on? What does he say when you tell him what you told us?

I am sorry you feel this way and I hope you can see that your feelings show that their are many unanswered questions in your mind and many pent up feelings that have not surfaced and have been dealt with.

Well this is just my humble opinion based on little information.

I know how you feel. I too had to sleep on the same friggin bed after the A. One day i couldn't take it anymore, I threw it out and slept on the floor untill I could gather enough money for a new one.

When people are experiencing self-doubt, they look for validation and support - that is what this whole site is about. Getting a little validation now and then is ok.

I think the point is that she has chosen to work on the marriage, thus choosing not to put her husband out. That is a valid choice for her. She should, however, remove things from her surroundings that keep her brain in a "video loop" so to speak. A marriage bed is, I think, a significant trigger for a lot of people - when that very private and safe place has been violated, It becomes a very uncomfortable place and a trigger for awful memories. I think you're taking it to an extreme by saying that if she got rid of the bed, she would have to get rid of her H!

The OW did violate her, by having an affair with her H. She did violated her even further by entering her home and engaging in those activities. I don't belive that affairs are "just" a symptom of a problematic marriage. They are the result of a lot of things. Both the WS and the OW engaged in the affair. I'm not saying that her H doesn't bear the weight of the "blame", but it is totally understandable why she would feel violated by the OW.

And,just because the A was "real" doesn't mean she should have to re-live it mentally on a daily basis. I don't think it is very healthy to re-live those memories over and over just so you don't forget. The goal is to get mentally healthy, rebuild your life, and move on in a positive way. The only way I've found that is possible for myself is to STOP re-living those graphic memories. That doesn't mean that you forget your spouse had an affair. You just need to move on from the graphic details.

JMHO, based on way more information than I wish I had!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chameleon:
<strong>You should never require validation for your feelings. Let them go. You deserve to feel like you do. Sleep on the floor if you have to. You do not need a bed to sleep (right).

Seriously though, knowing that you should not feel a need to be validated for having feelings, you need to consider why you are having these feelings so that you can deal with them. If you got rid of the bed, what next, the furniture, the house, your H's clothes he wore during the A, the carpet, then eventually and more importantly your H. You can see where this leads. Your H is the one that should be put out the door above your furniture and your bed. These things did not do any wrong. Your H hurt you so much he makes you hate everything you two built together.

So why is it you feel a need to get rid of the things that remind you of the A. The A was real. Have you forgiven your H?

Think to why the A happened. Do you know why? Have you dealt with this? Have you changed yourself? The affair is just a symptom of what was going wrong with the marriage. The A had nothing to do with you but what your M had become. Your H looked for things that were missing in the M not what was missing in you.

The OW did not violate you, your H violated you by not protecting you and by betraying your vows and your trust.

Is the A still going on? What does he say when you tell him what you told us?

I am sorry you feel this way and I hope you can see that your feelings show that their are many unanswered questions in your mind and many pent up feelings that have not surfaced and have been dealt with.

Well this is just my humble opinion based on little information.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ July 22, 2002, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Hear Me Roar ]</small>

In getting over it, the most important is your H's behavior- how remorseful he is, how committed he is to recovery. How much he is saying I love you etc.

That said, silly triggers do get to you. Start off by flipping your mattress. See if you can save enough to buy a nice pretty set of new sheets- perhaps that you choose with your H. Just something to reclaim your bed and make it pleasant for yourself. You could also consider repainting your bedroom- a cheap way to make the room look different.

If you're are truly unable to afford a new bed right now I don't think there is any advantage to freaking out and sleeping on the floor. At this traumatic time, you need your sleep!

Hear Me Roar,

There are few words to describe how heartwarming a gesture like you've made with the book is. You are offering me something way beyond the emotional support that is in itself so valuable here.

I would love to accept your book. My email address is His.angel@eudoramail.com.

Thanks so much not only for the offer of the book but also for your words of wisdom. You understand.

EC

espoir,

Thanks. I agree with you. I've slept in this bed since d-day two months ago. I'm lucky when I manage to sleep half the night as it is...I'm not going to start sleeping on the floor now. Although I have times when I think he should. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Extremely Confused - I don't have all that much to add here. I think you are getting a lot of good thoughts from people and I just wanted to offer my good wishes and support.

espoir had a good idea though - flip the mattress over! Then, when you get a few extra $$$ buy some new sheets for it. Or, you could always bleach the ones you have to give them a new color. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding.

Anyhow, I do hope others have books to offer you at this crucial time. You mentioned d-day was 2 months ago. It's still fresh, but it does get better. I'm at a point in my marriage that I didn't think we'd be at a year ago, but we are.

My best to you, and take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Chameleon,
Thank you for the time you took to reply to my post. You made some very valuable observations and you are absolutely correct, I AM still trying to decide whether to keep my H or not.

He is working very hard toward recovery for us and I am very, very thankful for that. I want more than anything to get to a place where I can say I'm over all this. I find myself trapped in a web of paradoxes in my life that I can't seem to break free from. Here is a copy of some of the paradoxes I've posted on this site recently that I am struggling with:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WH is the man I most love in the world&#8230;.since D-day (2 mo. ago) he&#8217;s also the man I most hate.

I want so much to restore our M and yet I have very strong desires to leave.

I am compelled to ask every detail about the A yet I hate hearing the answers.

For the last 4 years while he was having the A I believed we had an exceptional marriage. Since D-day H has put way more effort into our M than ever and yet I feel less happy than I ever have.

Since D-day I want him to learn about and meet my EN&#8217;s. Yet the idea of trying to fill his SF need (one of his highest, of course) is currently something I could not possibly bring myself to do.

I work to meet as many of his other EN&#8217;s as I can in order to move our recovery forward as quickly as possible. And when I am successful it hurts me to see him so happy and &#8220;over all this&#8221; while I still have this living hell going on inside me.

H committed the crime and I&#8217;m doing the time. He&#8217;s over the OW and long ready to forget all this. But putting in time (someone on this site recently estimated 2 &#8211; 5 years) is a necessity in my healing process.

For 4 years he&#8217;s the one that acted dishonorably, disrespectfully and with complete disregard for the affects his actions would have on me or our 5 yr old daughter and I&#8217;m the one who&#8217;s self image gets shattered. I used to be happy with who I was and how I looked. Now I struggle very hard with who I am...a woman whose H cheated on her for 4 years...a woman who&#8217;s now untrusting and suspicious...a woman who cries all the time...a woman who can&#8217;t get over feeling physically unattractive after seeing the &#8220;nice body&#8221; (his words) who he made love to for the last 4 years.

Before D-day I was making every sacrifice financially in order to support my H in a business venture. Meanwhile, he was secretly giving OW money. My daughter and I drive around in a 1989 car that has a digital dash that doesn&#8217;t work and hasn&#8217;t been fixed due to lack of money. That means I can&#8217;t see what speed I&#8217;m going, how much gas I have, etc. The dash is totally black. Meanwhile, OW drives a beautiful white LeBaron convertible and my H was giving her money, occasionally a thousand at a time and often smaller amounts for gas, phone bills, etc. I know, I know...this is not a paradox but it eats at me anyway.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I honestly don't know if I've forgiven him or not yet. One minute I think I have and things are going to be Ok and the next I am very sad, hurt and hateful again.

But the issue I speak of in this thread is a different one than the A. Even if she was just any person off the street who came in and went thru my drawers, clothes, etc. I would have a serious problem with it. Can you imagine the person you most dislike in the world (I can guess who that might be for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) coming into your home and when he's by himself he goes thru all your stuff? Checking out everything about you...touching and inspecting all your things....learning very intimate details about you ....seeing what kind of underwear you wear to turn your spouse on or what your bank statements say?

Maybe I consider my things more personally personal than most. I would feel violated even if it was my mother doing that. There is nothing in my physical world that she hasn't touched...and yes, not the least of which is having my H in MY bed.

I know there are significant issues around why I feel like this that make it worse than it would already be if there was no A. I just don't know how to let go of the feeling of being so personally violated.

Thanks again for your thoughts and support.

EC